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It could be SO good!

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careerlady posted 12/24/2013 23:07 PM

That seems to be the Snake''s message recently. We are 2 six figure income professionals with a great toddler who just bought a house on the hill (although it was in my name only due to his back child support). He keeps talking about the future like going on trips we said we''d take together except saying he''ll take DS, and saying how he can tell DS wants a sibling. It''s like he''s telling me "give up this grudge and everything will be great". He is focusing on being fun and witty and an involved father.

And he has me actually thinking sometimes, "CAN I drop this and let us go back to working on a beautiful future?" And then I remember that I can''t. I can''t because it was at least the 4th time. I can''t because he never even said he was fucking sorry, just blamed me. I can''t because he''s verbally abusive. I can''t because the message is clear: he won''t change, so I have to to make the relationship work. I have to continue to be this shrinking violet focused on his pleasures while doing all the housework and putting up with his cheating and verbal abuse. What kind of message would I be sending to myself? To DS? What level of self respect could I maintain?

He''s almost right. It could HAVE BEEN SO good! But he fucked it up. Now we won''t live together as a family anymore. We won''t go to World Cup 2018 together. We won''t have a second child. We wanted DS to have the best but now he will be a statistic - another black child from a broken home. Not because I don''t want to cooperate but because HE prioritized these casual affairs with women that meant nothing to him all for a few handfuls of ego kibbles and isn''t man enough to work on and own his shit. And now he is trying to fill ME with regret? FTG.

I''m glad we had this talk since the Snake was trying MINDFUCK me. I hate in house separation. Not sure how much longer I can be nice.

[This message edited by careerlady at 12:45 AM, December 25th, 2013 (Wednesday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 12/24/2013 23:43 PM

Careerlady, I am so sorry,

But I can see how strong you are, and getting stronger every day.

Nature_Girl posted 12/24/2013 23:45 PM


PurpleRose posted 12/25/2013 00:21 AM

I hated in house S also. It's just beyond anything I'd ever endured. Horrible having to see his face every damn day when all I wanted to do was never see him again at all.

I'm sorry he is an idiot and threw away what is so special. I'm glad your son has you!

Amazonia posted 12/25/2013 00:34 AM

Unless I'm missing something here, it sounds to me like you're an incredible woman, making six figures, with an amazing toddler to love, a beautiful house on the hill in your name alone, and a huge, amazing future in front of you. It can still be so good, and it will.

badmedicine posted 12/25/2013 00:37 AM

career lady,

I've only read a few of your posts but I can tell you are NOT a shrinking violet. This snake is trying to keep you down, to keep you from yourself. Do not let it happen. Your son might technically be a statistic (all of us are) but he can still learn from his intelligent, loving, independent mother and make good choices. I'm guessing this example will serve him better than a shrinking violet mother. Hang in there lady!! Hopefully your six figures can buy a separate living space soon.

caregiver9000 posted 12/25/2013 01:15 AM

ditto all the rest!


I'm glad we had this talk since the Snake was trying MINDFUCK me.

I am glad we had this talk too.

FieldsOfLavender posted 12/25/2013 01:17 AM

I have to continue to be this shrinking violet focused on his pleasures while doing all the housework and putting up with his cheating and verbal abuse.

This describes my situation, except my STBX has no remorse and has no interest in reconciling. I have lost self-esteem and identity putting all my energy and any (free) time into my family. He has not helped with anything around the house for the past 7 of the 8 years that we've been married.

I don't recall anything nice or positive he has said to me in the past 7 or 8 years. He became more verbally abusive and irritable in the past two years, which is about when he met his homewrecker whore.

Skan posted 12/25/2013 13:40 PM

Well, you know, he's right. It really COULD be so good!

If he could managed to change to be a decent, honorable, trustworthy humanbeing, then all of the stuff that he yaps at you could indeed, have happened and would have been so good.

Instead he made the decision to be the ultimate black hole of the universe to you. A bung hole that disgorges shite non-stop.

So you can take your own trips. If you want a sibling for your child, you can do that by yourself if you want to. You can (I hope) boot him out of "your" house and have peace and quiet. If you want to, you can go look for a good and honorable man to share these things with. And SnakeShite can take a flying leap back into his bung hole.

phmh posted 12/25/2013 14:25 PM


I'm so sorry that you're having a rough day and having to listen to the Snake. More healing will come when you can go more NC with him.

Amazonia is right -- it will be so good. You have to work through this right now, but I promise you that in a few years, you won't even believe how good it is. How much better it is when you only have good, honest, loving, faithful people in your life.

If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that you go to World Cup 2018 (if that's still something that you want to do) -- whether it's with friends or with a new man in your life by then. You and your son will develop a stronger bond because it's just the two of you. You'll develop new interests and invite only fabulous people to share in it. You'll learn from this experience, and pretty soon it will just be one of the details in your past -- something that has happened rather than something that is happening.

I know these words don't bring you much solace, as you're so new and new wounds are continually being inflicted. But from everything you've written, you are a wonderful, caring, amazing, intelligent lady. You'll bounce back and you'll be so happy that you didn't fall for his empty words and continued verbal abuse.

nomistakeaboutit posted 12/25/2013 16:02 PM

You're in a sad and frustrating spot right now. Sad, because you're realizing that it's over, and frustrating because it's not literally over yet. He's still there. And, he's imposing his illogical thinking on you -- "it could be so good."

The problem is, based on history, it would only be good for him.

I can't because it was at least the 4th time. I can't because he never even said he was fucking sorry, just blamed me. I can't because he's verbally abusive. I can't because the message is clear: he won't change, so I have to to make the relationship work.

You are mourning the loss of what could have been. It's normal. You will feel better down the road,mince you've built your new life. There will be new, unforeseen good in it, but now it's hard to see that, particularly with him being there and wearing his mask of everything can be ok. Hang in there. You're doing fine. Continue what you know you need to do. Best to you.

movingforward13 posted 12/26/2013 09:39 AM

We have so much in common, you have NO idea. I too also told my then STBXH, thanks for making our son another statistic. We have always talked about African American children growing up in home without their fathers and so I always believed he won't do anything to have his son at a disadvantage. Well, I clearly was wrong. He started his affair two months after securing his first six figure job. I think his first pay check got to his head. He was wining and dining his Med Girl shortly after but if I told him we needed this amount to finalize our wedding expenses, he would get so upset to have to fork over the money. Mind you, he also received a $20K settlement around the same time he received his second paycheck. He met Med Girl when his bank account was overflowing and he wanted to show her that he was worthy of a soon to be Doctor.... Dinners out to Ruth Chris, movies, expensive gifts and etc. She is just about 10 years younger than him so it was like he was playing sugar daddy. The money has since dried up as child support and $160K in student loans have now taken over but he believes she is his soul mate.

Sending you hugs and strength. We truly could have had it all but those fuck tards ruined it for us.

GingerAle posted 12/26/2013 09:59 AM

HE prioritized these casual affairs with women that meant nothing to him all for a few handfuls of ego kibbles and isn't man enough to work on and own his shit. And now he is trying to fill ME with regret?

Sounds soooooo much like my WH. And I know how they can suck you back in with their upbeat thoughts of the future and all of the fun plans. We had a road trip planned to go visit my family out of state for next week, and I informed him a couple days ago he is not going with me. He looked like such a wounded soul And has since made a couple of sad comments about how he doesn't get to go now. Poor things, how mean of us to not want them anymore just because they cheated, lied, and abused us, and didn't give a flying fig about our pain when they did it over and over again.

Stay strong, careerlady. You are amazing!! ((((careerlady))))

alphakitte posted 12/26/2013 10:29 AM

. . .another black child from a broken home.

If you lived closer I would take you out for coffee and we could talk about SOOOO much!

The sentiment about not wanting our children to be statistics and the desire to break our bonds from broken or dysfunctional families can be what holds us in painful and abusive relationships. It has for me, anyway.

Maybe when you get past this you will be able to examine those attitudes and see if they aren't what kept you in a bad relationship FAR too long.

Unfortunately, when your husband has the attitude of entitlement that your husband has it is unlikely that he will become capable of true intimacy and fidelity, ever! Even were he to refrain from adultery he isn't likely to do the work to become emotionally intimate with you, or any woman. He isn't emotionally safe for you, or any woman. It isn't important enough to him to do the introspection require. It isn't a priority.

He's a smooth talker. You know that! There have probably been red flags even before you married. He has been able to talk himself out of difficult situations, before, and fully expects to do so again. He wants the image, but not the substance. There's no helping him and you will eventually become an emotional black-hole if you stay with him.

Your son will learn his habits, and attitudes, fom your STBXhusband. At least if you have custody and your STBXhusband spends less time with him than he would 24/7, your son may learn emotional intelligence from someone who knows how to be truly intimate.

My heart goes out to you, you have been through a lot.

BrighterFuture posted 12/26/2013 18:11 PM

(((careerlady))) (((movingforward13))) (((alphakitte))). Finally people I can relate to in a different way. Yes, I too did not want my son and daughter to be a statistic. I tried my best to stay in the relationship for the sake of my children despite all the red flags I saw previously. I've come to realize that he won't change, and lacks the emotional maturity to make it work. Children or not, I will not stay in a relationship where I'm constantly being disrespected and cheated on.

I'm currently in a medical program, that once I'm done I will earn a six figure salary of my own. I've been with him since he was still in nursing school making only $9 an hour but once he graduated, and started earning money, he decided to cheat on me with a White girl (no offense to anyone's who's White).

Yes, we could have had it So good. We were planning to open our own business, to travel etc. All those plans are now gone and I have to make new ones. I have 2 kids, and probably would be done having more if we were together, but depending on who I'll be with in future, I may have to have more.

I'm from Africa, and we have a saying that translates to, "don't leave an old broom for a new one that won't last." It's sad when they cheat on us, and destroy what they have for something that may not last.

Hugs to all of us.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 6:24 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

hexed posted 12/26/2013 18:43 PM


its so hard! you're right though. you can't rug sweep this. he's not sorry. he's not remorseful. he wants a nice easy storybook life. the cost of that life? your sanity, health, well being, self respect, grace, ect. It is at the cost of you as whole person. You will not be a good mother or happy person of you suppress who you are for the Snake.

Your son is a lot of statistics. He is one of X number of boys born in XXXX year. He's one of XXXXXX kids that play a sport, go to school in his school district, are left or right handed. He is one of XXXXX kids that are allergic to XXXXX thing. He is one of a kind, one in a million, he is your one very very special son.

Statistics say a lot of stuff. They also don't tell a whole story. Careerlady, you've got this. You are teaching your son so many things by not continuing this farse. You are teaching him what a strong independent woman can do. You are teaching him that treating someone badly has consequences. You will take care of him, nurture him, love him, raise him to be a wonderful man. Divorced or not, you can raise a great kid.

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/26/2013 18:58 PM

^^^^ What hexed said.

Both my kids are adopted. We got them at birth and they are bio 1/2 siblings. Their birth mom has gone through some tough times and was just cheated on by her 2nd husband (who isn't a bio dad to any of her 4 kids -- they all have different bio dads). Anyhow - I was happy that my kids didn't have to live through some of the "stuff" that birth mom had to go through. Her eldest son has had some pretty major depression because of seeing his mom beat by husband #1 and he blamed himself.

The point is, I was happy that my kids weren't a statistic and from a broken home -- but now they are. But they are statistics in other ways too. It's the love and support that we give them that will make them shine above any statistic classification they may fall into.

[This message edited by ItHappened2Me2 at 6:59 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

careerlady posted 12/27/2013 02:38 AM

You guys are awesome, I was too busy to reply but love the responses!

Chrysalis, Amazonia, and badmedicine I really appreciate the encouragement. I need so badly to believe that life will get better and that I can rebuild a good life for myself and DS

Nature_Girl, PurpleRose, and caregiver the sympathy helps too!

Phmh-actually your words DO give me solace! Every time someone says those things to me I feel like I can make it! So you rock! And I probably won't care about world cup since thats more the Snake's bag, lol

Nomistakeaboutit - you are so right it would be good only for him

Skan - you are right, I need a good replacement to do good with! Never even thought about having another on my own though...

FieldsofLavendar- yes our STBX's sound very much alike. Don't be misled, the Snake has absolutely no remorse or interest in genuine R either...

Movingforward, I didn't know all that. Yes we do have a lot in common. Except I'm embarrassed that someone in medicine would be an OW since that's what I do. I feel doctors should have morals

GingerAle - yup our STBX's are alike alright! They expect to cake eat forever consequence free!

Alpkakitte - you are ridiculously right and I would love to do coffee with you! The last chance that I gave him was definitely about preserving the family and looking back (thou I was soooo naive then) there were some warning signs that I can hopefully use to prevent from ending up with another asshat. I have been thinking about the benefits of limiting his contact with DS too, to be honest....

(((BrighterFuture))) definitely on the same page. I don't know what's wrong with these men, throwing away what's real and solid for something ephemeral. But it sounds like you're on your way to great success despite him!

Hexed and Ithappened2me2-thanks so much for the encouragement and the reality check with regard to statistics. I need to stop getting so worked up about DS's future being ruined, he still has a lot going for him and I will do everything I can to help him!

We really need to stop playing family for my sanity and healing. But I also need peace and I know it will be war once I make it clear there is no going back to the way it was. Need to think about my next steps now cause my default was rejected so I have to either amend by divorce petition and serve him again or get him to sign a written agreement.

I really appreciate all the support!!!

Nature_Girl posted 12/27/2013 02:42 AM

I need so badly to believe that life will get better and that I can rebuild a good life for myself and DS

It has to get better. It must. For both of us and our children.

Catwoman posted 12/27/2013 04:36 AM

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

To me, a red flag would have been the back child support. How and why on six figures is he in the hole on back support? And doesn't this indicate a real lack of character to have issues in this area that he is not actively making a priority? Instead, he's busy making sure he doesn't get caught (i.e. you buying the house and not him).

The price of "could be" is much too high. You would be paying for "could be" by rug-sweeping and excusing his behavior . . . until the next time. And then what?

In the end, I had to look at what I was teaching my children. His behavior in the marriage was 100% the opposite of what I wanted for them and their future marriages. His blameshifting and lack of real resolve to truly work on HIMSELF after multiple affairs and a life filled with deception wasn't what I want for them. Hell, it's certainly not what I want for myself.

You will get through this. It will be better. I am nearly 11 years after my last D-day, divorced for 7.5 years (yes, the divorce took 4 years--divorcing a diagnosed narcissist is its own circle of hell). I have a good life. I have a great job, wonderful friends, fun and enriching hobbies.

And him? Well, his life has caught up with him. He left for his last OW, moved in with her before the divorce was final (and in a lovely and typical move, swore my children to silence and I didn't know for months where he was living and with whom). Supported her lavishly--trips, a yacht, etc.

It all has come crashing down. Her felon brother stole my ex's identity and had a wild time on his frequent flyer miles and hotel points (I am convinced she gave him the information in a fit of revenge). She moved out and closed on a house CHRISTMAS EVE and was gone before the New Year. He moved again (this is 5 times in 8 years--way to have a nice, stable environment for one's children). Now he's broke and bitter. Not. My. Problem. Bed. Made. Must sleep in it.

When they won't change, you have little choice if you wish to preserve yourself.


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