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Christmas #3 since Dday

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persevere posted 12/25/2013 01:17 AM

The good thing is I no longer feel like Christmas is about XWH. But yet I still don't feel like I own it again.

I've had the hardest time getting into the Christmas spirit, I only started wrapping the gifts I had yesterday, and spent much of yesterday buying gifts last minute. I didn't even do cards this year, which is so not like me.

I sold our marital home 16 months ago, and now I'm missing my house. My kids are missing our house - they are 19 and 21 - we were in that house for 10 years. This just doesn't feel like home, especially at Christmas. I really miss my kitchen, and my mantle that I would decorate every year with lights. And my tree right next to my mantle.

DD21 and I went to church tonight with an old church friend and her family at their new church. (I haven't felt comfortable at our old church where my kids were baptized in 2003 and later confirmed, and XWH and I were married in 2004). It was nice but didn't feel right.

Now I'm still up at 1:15 am on Christmas and I'm still not feeling it. Maybe I'm just tired and need to go to bed. But I feel like I'm ruining my kids' Christmas because I'm so not into it.

[This message edited by persevere at 1:23 AM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

persevere posted 12/25/2013 01:32 AM

And the three of us will open presents in the morning and then go to my mother's for Christmas dinner - which is always awkward because my mom and I have always had a "difficult" relationship at best - it's always very weird and awkward, even for the kids. Ugh...where is Calgon when I need it?

caregiver9000 posted 12/25/2013 01:45 AM

awwww, (((hugs)))

I hope dinner is quick and painless and less awkward than usual.

I found a little bit of Christmas spirit today with music and asking the kids to recall favorite moments from Christmases past. It was interesting to see what they remembered. And for some reason, the music hit the right spot today. I have struggled to find Christmas this year too.

Bring on 2014!!!

BrokenDaisy posted 12/25/2013 05:01 AM

(((Persevere))) Even though we move on from our xwh's they still changed so much of our lives. I hope you find some Christmas spirit and will be surrounded by love and jou despite the awkwardness with your mom. (((Hugs)))

suckstobeme posted 12/25/2013 05:49 AM

Maybe it's that the Christmas spirit is in transition and you're ready for a change. Maybe something is telling you to trade in the old traditions for something different.

For next year, find ways to volunteer with the kids rather than doing so many gifts.

No mantle to decorate? That's ok. Do something with live greens as a centerpiece for the table or on the kitchen counter.

Dinner at your moms is awkward but you are obligated to go - do something with just you and the kids before and/or after. Go to the movies - I've done that on Christmas day and it's great. Have a big brunch all together. Take a ride later to some neighborhood you've never been and check out all the lights with big mugs of coffee and cookies.

Rent a bunch of movies and have a big old movie night after dinner.

Maybe even plan a weekend trip right after Christmas starting next year.

I guess the point is that Christmas can change too. You've settled into this new life without exWH, you have a new home - maybe its time to settle into some new Christmas routines that are all your own.

MovingUpward posted 12/25/2013 07:09 AM


Merry Christmas. May today bring you the joy and that you are missing.

inconnu posted 12/25/2013 08:34 AM

(((persevere))) This is the 1st year since d-day that I've really enjoyed Christmas. Maybe it's because I've finally healed enough, but maybe it's because my expectations are lower. It's certainly a lot less stressful than it used to be.

I haven't done the full-out decorating that I used to since d-day. Hell, last year I didn't put the tree up until Christmas Eve, and if it hadn't been a pre-lit tree, there wouldn't have been any decorations on it. This year, the tree made it up a couple weeks ago, and I put some actual decorations on it. I even had the thought about doing the outside lights, but it was more of the "I wish I had thought to do that earlier." But it tells me that I'll most likely be ready next year to do that again.

I hate to say it, but I think it's that dreaded word time. Things do get better, but there's only so much we can handle at any given time.

nowiknow23 posted 12/25/2013 09:15 AM


persevere posted 12/25/2013 10:29 AM

Thanks to everyone for the support. I was whining a bit lol. It's a process and I will get there.

I wish everyone a wonderful holiday.

better4me posted 12/25/2013 12:47 PM


It's Christmas #3 for me too. Hope there are moments of happiness for you today. Concentrate on those little moments...

Williesmom posted 12/25/2013 12:57 PM


Just push through it. I'm leaving soon to go to my sister's house and be surrounded by a bunch of people that all have someone in their lives.

And then come home to a quiet house......well quiet, except for the dull roar of 4 corgis.

risingfromashes posted 12/25/2013 17:52 PM

I am sorry that you are having a hard time finding your way right now. It is horrible to have the places that were your comfort zone tainted by the actions of the X.

I know you will find new traditions. I have working on been reclaiming some of the places that became painful and dark after dday. I have learned to remember my joy. Not always successfully but sometimes I can cut him out of the picture, put him a box somewhere and enjoy my connections with a place/memory/tradition etc.

Hope you had had a better day than you anticipated!

Sad in AZ posted 12/25/2013 18:47 PM

Awww, persevere. I hope you're feeling better. Holidays alone are difficult, but they pass--and life goes on

Last year camping on the beach in Galveston was better than working this year, but it's over now, and there's a whole new year ahead.

Someday, we'll be able to spend some time together again. I'm looking forward to it.

Must Survive posted 12/25/2013 19:11 PM



Just want to let you know that this is my third Christmas since dday also.

I am still not healed enough to enjoy it yet either. You are not alone. And I agree with others, we must start new traditions.

thebighurt posted 12/25/2013 21:54 PM

Number three here, too, but totally different for me. Every one has been unique, each with its own character and flavor, each in a different place, just as I am with my healing. Each one satisfying for different reasons. I have been nomadic.

I need to write a post when I have time because my whole situation is also quite unique. I have been in the same places you have in healing, but from different perspectives. I know and feel the things people write about here, but..... different.

Anyway, hugs, my friends. Look forward to next year. It's still that dreaded 4-letter word: time.

persevere posted 12/25/2013 22:08 PM

Thank you all - SadinAZ - always miss you my friend and I would welcome any opportunity to fix that.
Williesmom- it's tough being the single one, but I have to admit I'm enjoying the time alone this evening (young adult kids had their own plans tonight) - there's something to be said for the calm after the Christmas storm.
MustSurvive - you're right - working on some new traditions, and it wasn't a bad day at all
thebighurt - I'm interested in hearing more about your experience and perspective.

As we all know, this isn't an easy road, but it is what it is, and the support we provide each other means more than I can say. Thank you all for being there and just understanding. I love you all and wish you all a peaceful holiday season.

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