I'm thinking of you all here who are just trying to get through this day. Your first Christmas after your world has changed, the day you don't feel like "celebrating" at all. I want you to know that it will be okay, you will get through this day.
My Dday was three years ago, right before Thanksgiving. I remember barely making it through that first Thanksgiving. I found SI in early December and it was such a help. That first Christmas, I went through the motions, bought and wrapped gifts, made a Christmas Dinner for my family. It didn't feel very festive. The food was pretty tasteless, but I made it through. Pictures of that day show a very sad faced me with only a touch of smile that doesn't reach my eyes. My children were in their late teens and early 20's, so I didn't have to "pretend" for them...my XWH is their stepfather,not their father so in those ways their pain was so much less and I was grateful for that. But "going through the motions" described the best I was able to offer up that first Christmas.
And today, 3 years later; I'm doing so well. I went to and enjoyed Christmas Eve service at "our" church. I enjoyed buying and wrapping the gifts. I enjoyed watching my child open her presents, I talked on the phone to the child who is with his paternal grandparents today. I feel a certain amount of joy and a lot of happiness and gratitude. And even though I'm certainly not "over the top" and I do miss the "Hallmark/Martha Stewart" kind of Christmas, I'm looking forward to preparing the meal and setting the table and talking with my parents over the food we've prepared. Life isn't perfect, but it is good.
You will survive this first Christmas. Time will heal your heart. Next year will be better. Believe this in your mind even if your heart can't believe it.