Is it possible for someone to deceive themselves and compartmentalize feelings to behave so despicably toward a spouse for such a long time? I mean, wouldn't you think at SOME point in those years, she would've come to her senses and questioned her own behavior??
Crushed, believe me, I really do understand how these questions torment you.
To answer the first part of your question, I believe that the WS deceives themselves only in that they believe that they will never get caught. My WH has said many times that his AP assured him that they were "safe" and "no one would ever find out or be hurt". The fact that he remembers this feeling of (false) security tells me that at least at some point he must have thought about it, however briefly, but was very ready to accept her assurances.
I could never understand how he could have risked his family as well as the futures and well-being of his children on the promises of someone who was a liar and a cheat, but I now know it is because he wanted to.
The compartmentalization comes in for self preservation. For some of us, leading a double life would be so filled with guilt and worry and shame that we would be eaten up from the inside out. Others are able to push away or repress such feelings because they don't want to acknowledge or feel them for the same reasons.
I know it is hard to understand or even believe that. It is just so far away from our own set of coping skills. But let me tell you something. Five years before I found out about the affair, I found a small card in my H's laundry. It was a "coupon" or voucher promising a "BJ for your Birthday". The signature was not clear. At first my heart dropped down to my knees. Then, quite quickly, I searched for an explanation. Of course this did not belong to my H. Not possible. It had to belong to a friend of my son's who was living with us at the time. His birthday was two days before my husband's. How did it end up in my H's laundry? Well, my H must have scooped it up with some socks lying on the floor somewhere. That was it!
I threw out. Then I did something very out of character for me. I NEVER GAVE IT ANOTHER THOUGHT! I never mentioned it to anyone - not my H, not the boy who was staying with us, not even my best girlfriend. No one. And I didn't remember it until I discovered the A. I totally repressed that information because at the time it filled me with such fear that I couldn't handle thinking about it.
So I am able of doing the very same thing that I thought I could not be capable of - compartmentalization. I never forgot completely, just refused to acknowledge it.
As far as behaving despicably toward a spouse for such a long time? I don't think waywards think of their actions as impacting anyone else. My H truly believed that what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me, that his affair had nothing to do with our relationship. It was totally separate. What he didn't see was that he was so distant, unemotional and disconnected from me that neither of us were happy. But not ever considering an affair, I couldn't pinpoint the reason for this distance or coldness, so I just accepted it as "normal".
He wasn't leading a double life to be cruel to me, but in his detachment, he never considered that what he was doing was cruel. He didn't even consider that he was lying to me. He just never told me the truth about his life or mine.
I have also wondered about whether he ever questioned his behaviour. He has told me that he never allowed himself to "go there" in his thoughts, but for 15 years? I agree, that is hard to wrap your head around. They must have thought about it at some point.
I think I will forward this thread to my H and ask. I had asked him recently in an email if he had ever thought twice about what he was doing, but I haven't received an answer yet. Kind of a similar question.
I'll get back to you on that one.
I have learned over the last two years that none of us think alike so when we try to understand someone else's motives or behaviours, we have to give up the notion that the same set of beliefs and values that we may have, also applies to someone else. Even if that someone is someone that we thought we knew. We never really "know" another. And we can't really understand their thought processes unless they tell us.
And to be able to tell us, they are the only ones that can dig deep and figure that out.
Until that happens, we as the BS experience what us known here as "crazy-making"!