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So Much Worse the 2nd Time Around

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Keebler posted 12/25/2013 18:43 PM

My heart is beating out of my chest and I cannot make it stop. When I try to think of other things I am distracted and cannot concentrate. One year ago I had D-Day and after many tears, promises and proclamations of love, he promised there was nothing to it- “just someone to talk to.” Two weeks later, via Find My Phone (thank you Apple!) I confronted him and the OW in a hotel lobby just as he was paying for a room. I filed for divorce two days later.

But it just didn’t feel right - like I was giving up - and like an idiot, the minute I saw him face to face three days later, I was sucked right back into feeling all of my love for him and hoping this was just a terrible mistake that had a cause and could be fixed. I even owned part of our “drifting apart” because after all, I was in my second year of law school and our schedules were so vastly different: I got up at 7a.m., got the kids to school, went to my job, went to classes after work, came home around 7:00p.m. every night and then studied after dinner was done and the kids were in bed. I would go to bed around 1:00 a.m. and by that time, he had been in bed for three hours. He was asleep in the mornings when I left. It made sense to me that he would look elsewhere to get some attention and have his ego stroked.

I was such an idiot. But I tried. I promised to try and work on our relationship. 18 year and two kids together was a long time to just throw it away based on one series of bad decisions and horrific mistakes. I could try to trust him again and we both agreed to make changes on our relationship – like going to bed together and being done with my homework before he got home so we could have some alone time each day. He promised to work on his relationship with our kids. Even after I started to get more information about the timeline and I found out that the OW was an ex-inmate at the prison where he works (even though he swore he didn’t know her from work) – I just wanted to believe him and believe that the past 19 years were not wasted time. I wanted to believe him that it was just a fling, and that it didn’t mean anything and that it made him realize how much he really loved me.

I wanted to believe it so much. And I wanted to believe he would not throw away 18 years of marriage for a one-time fling.

But, recently he has been distant. He has been hot and cold with regard to our relationship and I just knew something wasn’t right. I knew this in part because of his internet search history. I seemed to check the “status” on a particular inmate (not the D-Day 1 OW) weekly. I though it strange and my spidey senses were tingling. Then I noticed he was logging on to her Facebook page and trolling all of her pictures. Again, weekly. Last Saturday, I intercepted an outgoing email to her via a friend who apparently prints the emails and mails them in to the prison. It proclaimed his love for her, his “counting the days until they can be together” and his promise that he was telling her the truth that he would give her the life she deserved and he would “take care of her for the rest of her life.” He mentioned that he had her “letters” and would write more often.

A thorough search today turned up a rented PO Box (under his best friend’s name) and several letters/cards from the OW2. I read each one. They have had sexual encounters and plan to run away together when she gets released.

I want to vomit. This has been going on since July of this year. Fucking July.

I filed for divorce yesterday and he will be served on Friday as soon as he gets off work. I can’t do it tomorrow because we are having our Christmas “family dinner” then because he works today. After reading those letters, I’m not sure I can stand to look at him and I honestly have never felt so alone or hurt in my life.

When will the pain stop? This is one thousand times worse that D-Day 1.

I can’t even have a good cry because I don’t want to alarm my kids. This fucking sucks.

mchercheur posted 12/25/2013 18:58 PM

What you are going thru is for all of us BSs our worst nightmare.
You know what you have to do. I would kick him out of the house tonight. Hefty bag his stuff & put it on the driveway. Let him see what he threw away>>>>>Christmas with his family.

We are here for you. Keep posting & reading. Sending you strength & hugs.

NotFixable posted 12/25/2013 19:08 PM

(((Keebler))) I'm so sorry you are going through this! It does fucking suck, and it's going to for a while. However, you sound very strong in your post. I know you are way stronger than I was right after I found out. There is no way I could have sat through a family dinner with the jerk! You also know exactly what you are going to do and have set the wheels in motion. Way to go! There's not much to do about the pain, just know it will get better. I'm only a few weeks in and am still on the roller coaster of ups and downs, but when I'm up, I see the future and it's so much better than the past or present. Keep posting on here. It's been a lifesaver for me and I think it'll give you strength as well. Just know you aren't alone in this.

MakingLemonade posted 12/25/2013 19:14 PM

(((Keebler))), I am so sorry for your pain. And the timing stinks! Unfortunately, I can relate, but my 2nd discovery day was six years later. But you've found the right place for those who have walked this path and we are here to support, encourage, and be a listening ear. So feel free to vent and ask questions. It's quiet around here for the holidays and weekends but some long timers will chime in eventually.

Focus on what is best for you and your children and forget him. He took your kindness and understanding for granted in the most hurtful way. His affairs is all on him. Do not believe for a moment it has anything to do with you. He is obviously broken and instead of dealing with it in a healthy way, he is inflicting pain on you and you family.

Good for you for already getting to a lawyer. It's the right move given his lack of remorse and repeateded infidelity. To keep the chaos to a minimum, especially with family events to endure, I'd keep that under my hat.

There is a lot of good information in the Healing Library, top left side. Read there and other posts especially posts with bullseye. They can be extremely helpful.

Again, I am sorry!

Holly-Isis posted 12/25/2013 19:17 PM

It is awful the second time around. You convince yourself that once they have seen our pain, once we risk everything on them again despite the horrible pain they caused...they would never do that again.

At least now you know. You're not waiting, as I've seen in a sig line, for the "other she to drop." It already has. You know that he's got some major issues. Seriously...chasing prison tail? What nut jobs is he risking the lives of your children on? APs are more likely to do crazy stuff, add one that has managed to do something to earn prison time and it's a match waiting to be lit. Please be sure you seek ROor whatever you can to keep these OW away from your kids.

I got up at 7a.m., got the kids to school, went to my job, went to classes after work, came home around 7:00p.m. every night and then studied after dinner was done and the kids were in bed. I would go to bed around 1:00 a.m. and by that time, he had been in bed for three hours. He was asleep in the mornings when I left. It made sense to me that he would look elsewhere to get some attention and have his ego stroked.

What I'm seeing is you burning the candle at both ends. He could've gotten time in with you and his ego stroked by stepping up with the kids. He was in bed before you were and still when you left the bed? WTF.

I'm sorry you're feeling this pain again but glad you have an answer as to who he is.

brkn_heartd posted 12/25/2013 19:42 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this again. It is so unfair. I know when my FWH broke NC it about killed me. I can only imagine your pain.

It sounds like you are following the right path for you and your family. Tomorrow will be hard, concentrate on the children. Concentrate on your other family and ignore him.

k94ever posted 12/25/2013 22:13 PM

Is he having a relationship with an inmate in the prison he is working at?


Edie posted 12/26/2013 02:41 AM

Hugs to you Keeler, and I hope you are still managing to give a good performance of ignorance, as hard as that is, as this buys you time to get your ducks in a row, as regards safeguarding bank accounts, money and other assets etc before he is served on Friday.

The intricate web of people involved in his deceit must be doubly upsetting for you given the detailed subterfuge involved, I do wonder if these WS think of themselves as James Bond or something equally fantastically Walter-Mittyish.

I expect inmate OW sees your WS as a paycheck and an escape route from her own circumstances, and he may well be completely susceptible to the flattery involved in being such a KISA, especially if he feels threatened by your self development and growth in education.

Regardless, his motivation is now irrelevant except in understanding it tactically and strategically.

You're not alone, we are at your side holding your hand. A whole army of us, rooting for you.

cantaccept posted 12/26/2013 03:31 AM

Hi Keebler,

We are on very similar paths. My dday #2 was on Dec. 20th. I do not have as much control as you. I kicked him out that night and then proceeded to throw all his clothes out on the front lawn in the snow.

I have never in my life felt such white hot rage. I didn't know I was capable of such intense anger.

After almost a year of trying to R, long talks, weekly MC, he has been in contact with ow#2 since August! I knew something was "off" just didn't expect this. After all the pain that he witnessed I just didn't believe anyone could be so cruel as to inflict that again while pretending to work on the marriage. To lie to everyone, family, friends, therapist and of course me.

I think that is what hurts the most. I also gives us the clarity, the resolve to make the choice to get the hell out, with no guilt, no regrets.

This is all on them, every last drop. We are not responsible for any of it. Now we know this in our gut.

I too, was looking at the pre-a marriage, trying to be accountable for my part. Trying so hard to forgive and be a better partner.

We did our parts. There is something broken in them and we do not deserve to be treated like that.

I am so sorry for both of us and anyone else that has to go through a second dday.

I too, filed for divorce after dday #1 and then relented. I wanted to rise above this, to work for that deeper relationship, to give all the pain some meaning.

I am going to file next week. I am waiting for a call back from the victims advocate. I am going to try to protect myself in any way I can this time. I do not know what he is truly capable of, he is a stranger.

Good luck to you. I understand how terribly hard and painful this is. I will be thinking of you and wishing you strength.

I guess the only thing we can hold on to at this point is to be thankful that we cannot understand because we do not think like them. We cannot understand crazy because it is just plain crazy.

Wishing you strength. PM if you would like.


Skan posted 12/26/2013 13:35 PM

Hey there. Friday, once he leaves for work, I hope that you have a locksmith ready to come in and re-key the entire house (and garage) so he cannot come back in unless you let him in. Also, please save those emails in a VERY safe place. Frankly, you have some bargaining power with them. Guards "dating" inmates is a rather large no no. If he doesn't cooperate in making your divorce as quick and easy as possible, then I would hate to think of what might happen should such emails show up in the warden's mail.

You are well rid of such a looser. You have been the one doing all of the work while he's been playing you. (((hugs)))

sudra posted 12/26/2013 13:50 PM

I'm so sorry it's happened to you again.

Seriously...chasing prison tail?
Unfortunately, it's not this simple. You need to let the prison know. He is in a position of power over these women and they may not be giving true consent. And he's done this with more than one? That reeks of abuse to me.

Please let his employer know. I'm certain they will not be pleased that he is doing this.

[This message edited by sudra at 1:52 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

7yrsflushed posted 12/26/2013 13:59 PM

Sorry you are in pain Keebler. I wish you the best. Good luck with the L and imo you should turn him in to his place of employment whether you do it before or after the D.

better4me posted 12/26/2013 17:42 PM


I hope you got through the day today okay. It takes such courage to put on your "game face" and act your way through this.

When will the pain stop?
The time it takes is the time it takes. You're taking action to move forward despite the pain and that is a very good thing. Know that one day you will feel better/normal again.

Ostrich80 posted 12/27/2013 03:52 AM

He's being extremely risky. I can only imagine the shit storm that is going to come out of his getting.physical with an inmate. I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm not sure if she's a pro at working it with a guard or of he's taking advantage of an inmate but this is gonna get ugly I'm sure. Protect yourself and kids. I would definitely not want to attached financially to him when this busts out. Good for you for seeing an attorney. He's lost right nowand very broken. I hope you understand this was not your fault. You busting your ass trying to make a better life for your family does not make you in any way responsible for his straying. If he felt neglected he has a vocabulary, he should have spoken up or maybe helped you out, to get more time together.

Keebler posted 12/28/2013 00:34 AM

Thank you all for the support. It really does help when you don't have any live body to talk to!

Yesterday was very hard - especially since he kept making references to the future - our future - but I kept my game face on and made it through.

I think I've only slept 9 hours this whole week.

But this morning, I got up and washed my sheets and bedding, pretended it was a normal morning until he left for work at noon.

Then I immediately went and checked his secret PO Box (nothing there), closed our joint bank account, bought some boxes from U-Haul and rented a storage unit. I put all of our guns and the family safe in it in case he somehow gets into the house. Then I went to his work, took the house keys, the garage door opener and left.

Luckily my kids were having sleepovers tonight so they are not here. I came home and waited.

The process server confirmed service at 10:15 p.m. I sent a text that said "I loved you with everything I had. I'm sorry that was not enough." He replied with "what are you talking about" and I about shit, thinking the process server served the wrong person!

But he called about 10 minutes later and had the fucking balls to DENY DENY DENY! Even when I said I read the email he sent on the Saturday before Christmas. Even when I quoted from the nasty ass letters I found detailing their sexual romps!

Anyway, in the end it is all my fault because he was unhappy and he didn't want to say anything until I graduated law school so that I could never say HE was the reason I didn't graduate or somehow blame HIM for my failure to achieve my own personal goal. Then it was all about how he was going to write the woman and tell her it was over because he wanted to work on US. I promptly told him not to worry about that because the US ship had sailed.

In the end, he now wants everything in the house, bla bla bla. He picked up the suitcase I put out front and said he would call tomorrow to arrange to pick up his other stuff.

I almost feel relief. Like a huge burden has been lifted. If that is even the best way to describe it.

sudra posted 12/28/2013 06:15 AM

Good for you. You sound like a really strong woman.

I'm sure it was hard but it sounds like you did the right thing. He's only going to drag you down.

And stick with law school. Don't let this deter you!

doggiediva posted 12/28/2013 10:41 AM

Can you have a friend visiting you when he comes over to get his stuff? I read that you haven't confided in a live person, but if you have a person visit you, this person doesn't necessarily need to know what is going on..
With the above said, do you have anybody who you would consider confiding in?

Losttransport posted 12/28/2013 10:59 AM

I work at a jail, and the policy here states that employees cannot have relationships with inmates while incarcerated. If you do, then you can get fired AND have criminal charges brought up against you. It sounds like your WH is working at a prison, so if you can verify they have similar policies, you could let his employer know.

ZedLeppelin posted 12/28/2013 21:26 PM

My sympathies. You will get over this (even if right now you feel like crap).

The Legal system is ridiculously biased in favor of women, so use this to your advantage.

What you plan on telling your children is up to you, but exposing to both families & close friends will "shine the light" on his affair and destroy his fantasy. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

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