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as I reconcile with a remorseful spouse:

To me: Its OKAY

You will be okay, you will be alright
You were a witness to a crash, you got hit, but you were never, ever, ever the intended victim

You have got over other hurts and pain before;

Remember how you hurt with those events? Yes.

Remember why you hurt? Yes, again.

Remember how that past tough event maybe became a bit less significant because something happier, more hopeful became MORE important in your life than IT was? Yes.

I ask me now, Miss BS, do those tough past events cause me to FEEl hurt? Actually, they do not. I remember it all, but I don't feel it now....is that okay that I don't. Yes, silly.

This event, A, is different, but the same will happen with this, too. Right? Yes, silly.

You know what? You are pretty strong...you already PROVED that, right, by your willingness to work on R to work on truly, truly forgiving (for that releases YOU from the pain) and to cultivate your own compassion, understanding of the human condition, and to work on, or rather just be willing to, hang in there and frankly just WAIT for the acceptance that comes with the passage of time...may take a while...but wow, you are game for it. RIGHT? Yes, that seems to be the case for here I am....

Hey, miss BS, its okay to be easy on yourself, really it is. Give yourself a break...you will not get through this perfectly, right? And that's okay? Right, yes you are right.

Its okay to cry, release the stress and tension....mourning takes time. Yes, I heard that....I've been doing this VERY well....

It is okay to ask for reassurance, that helps you through and bonds you in the recovery from this. Yes, but sometimes asking for this brings the pain of the As to the forefront again...but yes, guess you are right.

Its okay NOT to analyze it every second of the day...it really is. You both understand the lessons....how "human" we are and how fragile we ALL are. Yes, that is true...human as human..sometimes a bit too much.

Its okay not to "think" about it. Thinking does not change it...it makes you feel bad. If you don't think about it for one day, say, what will happen? Probably nothing except, perhaps I will have peace for one day...but NOT thinking is an effort, right? Yes, but just try...it might be hard at first, but have you tried it once? Well....

Be true to yourself. Who you REALLY are. That will get you through...you KNOW who you are, right? Others on this site will bear witness to that too...so you will not feel alone..hey you are really showing, yes SHOWING great determination, love, grit, .... a life WELL lived...fought for and honorable...be proud of that....and go gentle on yourself okay? Okay.

Its okay that it takes time. You are only human too. You are not a saint are you? Well, now that you mention it...almost ; )

[This message edited by morethantrying at 7:57 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

Great post! I so feel this way right now with everything. It is ok not to think about the A, it is ok to carry on with our M, it is ok to not act on anything right this minute. Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves of this. I am working on ME. The rest will fall into place. We survived and got through this! We will survive in the future for better or for worse. It makes me happier not to dwell on it, but it is tough to do all of the time. So here is to moving onward and upward to something that makes us happier and makes us forget the pain. Hopefully it is our new, improved self and marriage.

Yep, you are so right. I think sometimes that though important to process all the negative, we need to be KIND to ourselves and let ourselves be happy, too.....its okay to be happy even when unhappy things happen...we think that we must "honor" this very significant thing by being unhappy, that to be unhappy is to honor it...but perhaps it is better to think that being happy "honors" this and us even more? maybe....a thought....

I really like this post, morethantrying, I feel it is spot on.