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dana1234 posted 12/25/2013 19:42 PM

Hello to all, I know today has been a difficult time for many😞

I am 11 months out from d-day and needless to say counting down the days this horrific year comes to an end. Like so many of you the holiday season has made our reality worse it for kids, family etc we have had to put in a face a keep trucking.

My issue is I have not worn my wedding rings since d-day and have said I will never wear them again. My very remorseful and sorry WH understands but I know it bothers him. Pre-day we always wore our rings (not that the ring stopped him from cheating). To me it was a symbol of our commitment and that has been broken. After putting the kids gifts under the tree and getting ready for "Santa" around 3 this morning, he gave me a small box and instantly knew it was a new ring.

I was taken back, stunned almost... I felt anxiety welling up in me for the first time in a few weeks. He began by thanking me for allowing him to stay in the house and again how sorry he is and that this ring represents purity, commitment and love he has for me... I held up my hand and just said not now, can't do this now... He asked me to try it on and I was shaking as I slipped it on my finger, the finger that wore the previous ring proudly for 16 years, the finger that has since D-day been bare. It was big so I took it off and said I didn't want to loose it. I have not looked at the ring all day, had a houseful so was busy. He just asked if I had shown my mother which I didn't, he seemed hurt that I'm not excited about this new ring??? Really!! I don't know if I could wear it?? Advise please

morethantrying posted 12/25/2013 20:08 PM

You may not agree with me, but I think here is where you show your grit and determination and acceptance of his "humaneness"....put it on and show it to your mother. It is ALWAYS HARDER on the BS. We ALWAYS have to take the higher road. That is why WE ALWAYS come out of this stronger, wiser and better.

PUT it on and deal with the feelings later....do the crying, the reliving, the sadness...but put it aside, just for a bit. Show him that you TOO are in this. Throw him a bone. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself, but use your head here.

He LOVES you and wants you to have it. He WANTS others to see how HARD he is trying. That is important to him...it was and is to my hubby, too. That my family knows how hard he is trying and doing the "right" thing now.

LET HIM IN.

Hey, I KNOW exactly HOW you feel though my post may not sound it. I did not get a ring but did get a "big" present. I did NOT FEEL so great, but I made a big deal...now I am SOOOOO glad I did...he is loving, happy and that will help US in R....oh, YES, it was VERY, VERY, VERY VERY, HARD, to do this...but I feel great that I did...I was TRUE to WHO I really am....Heck, very compassionate, loving...which makes him LOVE AND APPRECIATE me MORE!!!!!

It is VERY hard to be this "GOOD".....go for the "tough" choice....you are really amazing...so amazing to be there with him, trying so hard...show him what he "ALMOST" lost by how GREAT you are....put it on and for one moment allow yourself to be swept in to the positive emotions that he FEELS for you now...even if it is just a moment...give yourself the GIFT of allowing yourself to be swept in by his genuine love for you in the right here and now...let yourself just love just for one moment...give yourself that gift...don't deny yourself his true love in the here and now...and if you don't feel it at that moment, you will, darling, I do BELIEVE that later you really will....later you really will.

[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:23 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

Dance4Me posted 12/25/2013 20:11 PM

The ring subject is a very personal subject on SI. Many BS's feel they want to wear their rings since they didn't betray their vows. Others, like me, have no desire to wear them and don't know if they ever would. I am four years past dday, and I still have no desire to wear a ring on that finger - his betrayal occured on and off over seven years, so I feel I have the right to decide if and when I want to wear a new ring on the finger I once proudly wore my original set. It is my choice!

Personally, I think he should have asked your opinion on the matter. I am hoping that once I am truly healed the right time will present itself - I am hoping around our 25th Anniversary maybe?? And if it doesn't feel right, then I am not too worried. I have lost the desire to show my commitment with the use of symbols. I have a totally remorseful and loving spouse now - that's all that matters to me!

I understand he is upset or hurt, as you say - but, in the end, he needs to understand that what he has done to you, requires much time and patience for true healing to occur. I totally understand your feelings....maybe thank him for his lovely gesture, and tell him when you are ready, one day you will wear it proudly!

[This message edited by Dance4Me at 8:14 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

karmahappens posted 12/25/2013 20:20 PM

Hi Dana

I understand your feelings about your rings. My husband and I are 6 years plus out from the A.We reconciled, are in a wonderful place. Went through a lot to get here but we are here and things are good.

My feeling about rings and vows/renewing vows are a little different.

We got here after a long shit-storm, set in motion by my husband. After dday we had it rough at first. When we took some time and decided to R he did everything he could to R. He owned his A, his actions, his mistakes and choices.

We married young, had no idea what marriage took, both had broken families and really floundered through life. Until the A.

So our story, our 25 years is everything we have done. It's our marriage, our kids, it's good, it's ugly and it's painful and beautiful.

I wouldn't remove the bad choices, the ugly or the cracks...because if I did we wouldn't have the beautiful.

I wear my rings, because we are a sum of our parts. We are not an A, we are the complete story.

There is no shame in our story, it's quite an accomplishment and I will never try to re-write it.

Be proud of the work you and he are doing. Many people can't or won't do it. Fight for your life and your family, if you are fortunate enough that your WS gets it and fights right next to you then these chapters in your book will just be the middle of the story.....

(((hugs)))

You wear your rings or your new ones when you are ready...and tell your H how you feel. Your feelings are always ok.

karmahappens posted 12/25/2013 20:23 PM

I cross posted with others.

I disagree with this

PUT it on and deal with the feelings later....do the crying, the reliving, the sadness...but put it aside, just for a bit. Show him that you TOO are in this. Throw him a bone. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself, but use your head here.

Your feelings matter and are valid...you do NOT have to throw him a bone or make things right to spare his feelings.

Going forward with R means you are honest with each other. You are true to yourself and your feelings, because they matter and you need to give them credit.

It's JMO, but I never hide my feelings to make someone else feel better anymore...BIG red flag to me.

rachelc posted 12/25/2013 20:35 PM

I'm with karma on this one. Really, what is the point of being married if you must pretend things are ok and must hide your feelings...

What about letting him know exactly where you're at? Isn't honesty the key to building intimacy?

morethantrying posted 12/25/2013 20:35 PM

oh dear, yes you say some great stuff. Right,I agree, best not to "hide" feelings, but for me I do try to select what I share.... you do not have to hide feelings, I never meant to imply that feelings are not valid or should not be felt..that is silly...we can't help what we feel.

Yes, there is always the other side. Such strong feelings are good to share and perhaps by sharing them you will feel better and maybe even feel good put on the ring....maybe that will happen. Or perhaps you will save it and renew vows later with that ring. Share.

Yes, I also see my marriage as not first half and second half...all marriages have "something", so I would like to view this as part of it all. Hey, what we got through together...yeesh, nothing black and white...

dana1234 posted 12/25/2013 20:42 PM

Thank you all for your responses... Each of them had something that hit home😀. I just feel so anxiety filled and It's taking every ounce of strength to get thru the holidays and this just put me over the edge. I'm spiraling again.... I just can't wear that ring right now, today.... Tomorrow may be a different story. I'm really f'nnnn tired if living one day at a time

morethantrying posted 12/25/2013 20:48 PM

Just another thought:

IS it possible to adopt a different perspective and actually FEEL something else? Is it also possible to see this as his LOVE for you? His real love?

If you frame it like that you are not DENYING or HIDING any feelings because you frame it differently and actually FEEL something different. So those are real feelings and nothing is being denied or hidden..just now looking at it though a different lens.

Of course if you look at it though the Affair lens, it may look selfish, uncaring, unsympathetic,not understanding...but is that what HE REALLY MEANT?

All I am saying is that sometimes it may help YOU, help ME, to ALSO look at it through a different lens. Is this easy? NO, but to ignore or deny that there might BE another lens is to also deny yourself some real, true, honest feelings and a possible step forward and good connection as well.

YOU CAN CHOOSE

I do believe you have the free will to actually CHOOSE the perspective -- choose the lens though which you see something --- you and me can CHOOSE one...or even both....SO what makes you feel good and positive? What does not?

[This message edited by morethantrying at 8:58 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

morethantrying posted 12/25/2013 21:01 PM

Hang in there danl! Yep, it is hard...it sure is! Love you to from across the seas......

strongerbytheday posted 12/25/2013 21:13 PM

It has been two years since the A and for awhile I would wear just my wedding band and not my engagement ring because of various reasons. When the anger phase hit, I couldn't wear that either. Since then I have been wearing various random rings on that finger, but I do wear a ring...just nothing related to our former marriage. Some day I hope he gives me a new ring to represent our new life together, and I hope at that time I am ready to accept it. Until then I am not pushing myself either way. I figure that I will just know when I am ready to take that next step. I think that you should be open with him. Maybe wear it on your right hand until you are ready to wear it on your left, but only if you are comfortable with it. It is your hand, your choice. If that means the ring sits in a box until then, he should accept that. It doesn't mean you are not doing your part towards R. It just means that you may not be ready for this specific step yet, IMO.

Dreamland posted 12/25/2013 21:40 PM

Wow.. I wish my husbsnd had gotten me a ring. I ended up buying my own wedding band last year. He couldn't decide anything. I was pissed. So I got a beautiful one just for me. He got upset but I had mentioned several times about getting new rings.
My problem is that I feel our rings mean nothing though I handmade ours design and spent countless nights in the shop making them perfect. So his was a snug fit and my husband got his sized too large and my ring lost it's stone a couple years back. So neither of us wore them. I was never bother since I trusted him explicitly. That should have been a sign huh?? Anyway I said they mean nothing to me. He got his sized and doesn't take it off now. He said he'll die with it on. He says now how it means the world to me. He had taken mine in to get a stone. I joked I wanted a diamond now. I had a beautiful sapphire. So he told the jewelry and he put one in but I had told him no. Now we can afford to get my ring back but I not in a hurry since I don't think I would wear it.
We don't have money. But if we did I would want a new one.
Talk to him and tell him you appreciate the gesture but just aren't ready yet.

ItsaClimb posted 12/26/2013 05:04 AM

I feel that the decision to wear a ring or not is a very personal one and only YOU can decide when/if you are ready. Your husband probably had the best of intentions when he bought you the ring, but he should honestly have discussed it with you first. I feel that as a BS you don't need any pressure when it comes to this sort of thing and presenting you with the ring puts you under all sorts of pressure and adds to your stress and anxiety. If I was you I would tell him that you appreciate the gesture and the good intentions behind it, but that you will keep the ring in a safe place until the time is right to wear it. JMHO

dana1234 posted 12/26/2013 05:22 AM

Thank you all again and sending hugs to u all. I feel like the elephant is back in the room😞after working hard to get rid of him. We are both avoiding the ring right now? And that fine by me. We have mc in Monday so hopefully we can wait until then to discuss it. I'm just raging to ask him if he heard from her yesterday? After all he's had a girlfriend for three freaking years😠 did he miss buying her a present this year or miss hearing from her?? That's what I want to talk about not a new fnnn ring.... I won't bring myself to ask, and most days I believe his relationship with her is over but hell all I keep thinking about is my husband has had a girlfriend the past 3 Christmases and I never had a clue... I feel so angry this morning and it's the ring thing😞

karmahappens posted 12/26/2013 05:32 AM

After all he's had a girlfriend for three freaking years�� did he miss buying her a present this year or miss hearing from her?? That's what I want to talk about not a new fnnn ring

This is what you need to discuss. If you really want to R there is no more "not talking about it" address it, work through it and put it away. It will NEVER go away if you don't.

sisoon posted 12/26/2013 08:49 AM

dana, My heart goes out to you.

I'm for going with your gut on this - you don't want to wear the ring now. Don't wear it. In fact, I think wearing it now will harm your R, because I don't think the gift was given with full honesty and love.

IMO, your H wants you to wear a ring to soothe his own feelings, not because he wanted to give you something. You took your old ring off for a reason. That gives a clear signal to him and to people who watch these things that something bad happened in your M, and IMO he doesn't want that signal out there.

The ring is important to both of you. If your H really understood what he did, I believe he would have asked you if you were ready to wear one. He might even have purchased a ring for you to wear when you become ready. But he wouldn't have sprung this on you expecting you to put it on.

He's trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do. Less than a year into R, this could just be a misstep. OTOH, it could be a yellow flag that says your H needs to learn to ask for what he wants instead of using unfair, unloving tactics.

Less than a year into R nobody fully gets it. If he's too manipulative by nature, he can change - if you show it doesn't work any more.

confused615 posted 12/26/2013 09:05 AM

I read your profile. I see he has stopped going to IC. Why? He had an LTA,so clearly he has issues. He should be in IC working on those issues to make sure he becomes a safe partner for you.

You say he is remorseful. How is he showing his remorse? What is he doing to R with you? Is he completely transparent? Do you have full access to everything,including his phone? Has he answered all of your questions? Did he get tested for STD's? Did he give you a timeline? How does he handle your triggers? Has he figured out his "why" yet?

My concern is, since he has stopped IC, and now this ring..does he think the ring is some kind of grand gesture? Is he using it as an "let's move forward,wipe the slate clean(aka rugsweep)" type of gesture?

As you said, it's been a horrific year. It is worrisome that he is hurt that you're not excited to have a new ring. At the very least, he should have asked. Are the two of you talking about his affair? And your feelings?

I still wear my rings. I didn't break my vows. Those rings symbolize my marriage..the good and the bad. WH talked about getting me a new ring and I told him no. It would be a constant reminder of what he did (and I didn't need any more reminders). And, in the end, it really is JUST a ring. Like you, my WH didn't take his ring off. So it certainly didnt stop him from cheating.

A ring is just a symbol. I want actions. I want him to show me he is working on himself so he is safe for me.

As for telling you the new ring symbolizes purity, commitment, and his love for you..he said the same thing about the last ring..no?

What is he doing to be trustworthy? How is he earning that trust back? Other than MC, what is he doing?

DixieD posted 12/26/2013 09:22 AM

(((Dana)))

Like Dance4me said, rings are a very personal decision. You must do what you are comfortable with.

I agree with Sisoon. I'm getting the vibe that this gift from him was a way to make himself feel better. He's hoping all this crap he caused will blow over quickly and he will be seen as a good guy again. (But maybe I'm projecting here.)

I think it was a pushy gesture at the very least, and at the worst, a manipulative one too. Personally, I'd be angry.

If you are not ready, you are not ready. It's your decision to make -- not his. He doesn't get to circumvent your feelings.

Do you really not know if he's NC with AP?

Take care of yourself.

bionicgal posted 12/26/2013 11:55 AM

For me, I guess 11 months out would feel a little early and probably too optimistic at a minimum, up to kind of rugsweepy and manipulative at the maximum.

I do feel like maybe you two should have better been on the same page, but on the other hand, my H has made some odd gestures gift-wise over the years that I did not understand at the time, but turned out to be a true expression of where HE was at. Could that the be the case here? Is he feeling all renewal-ish? I can see and appreciate what morethantrying is saying. Are you seeing it accurately from his perspective?

Sometimes we can look at the same situation so differently.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:57 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

TrustGone posted 12/26/2013 12:18 PM

I also got a new ring this year. I actually asked for it and my WH#2 got it. I will however not wear it on my ring finger. The reason I asked for it was because he got the OW a ring 2 Christmas's ago to shut her up about him leaving me. I was pissed because my wedding ring was actually my Mother's ring, so he had never bought me a diamond ring before this. I think he was a little hurt that I put it on my middle finger, but I really didn't care about what he feels. I wanted and deserved this ring becuase I didn't D his cheating ass. If you don't want the ring, don't wear it. You do what makes YOU happy. (((HUGS)))