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Greenfrog posted 12/25/2013 22:04 PM

Hi!
I'm glad I found his place. Although
I absolutely can it believe I'm here :(
I've lost 25 pounds since the day I found out.
I've always trusted my H.
And I'm still not sure if this is an
EA or PA. He says there was nothing physical. Anyway
After a lot of suspicion.
Locked phone always ,And not sharing the password. Location services off. Lies. Saying he's going to work but then not going.
I checked the phone records.
Over 9,000 texts to one number.
Starting in June !
I looked up the number in his contacts.
It's said joe.... Ok. So I did a reverse number search
And it wasn't joe. It was a girl he works with.
And there were many other girls he was texting also. Just not as much as this one.
Also when he was drinking a few months before I found out. He was confessing things. I didn't understand it at the time. But looking back it seems he was feeling horribly Guilty.
But in his confessions he said he almost slept with another girl.
He now denies that.
THis girl is different than the one he texted a ton.
He works in a store. I went in the store and this woman couldn't stop staring at me.
It's was weird. So I looked at the phone bill did some research. And her name is the same name of the girl he said he almost slept with.
She looked so guilty!
So I have no idea where to go.
He denies this one girl says the other
Was nothing. He did apologize and say it was dumb and that he was over her. I don't know barely anything yet.
One is married 17 years. The other
In a 10 year relationship.
I confronted him and told him to leave.
He packed his stuff and left.
He's staying with family.
He is also explosive, horrible temper. Mean. And ignored us. So those were reasons I needed him to leave also.
Not sure what to do next.
I'm doing a 180 as much as I can. Honestly I don't care right now. I have no desire to talk to him or see him. I'm waiting for him to ask me. Or take initiative. He did for a while. But it's so short lived. It's like he thinks one apology one conversation and that's all it should be.
Plus. He still omitting huge amounts of info. And talking really bad about me to everyone.

brkn_heartd posted 12/25/2013 22:17 PM

Greenfrog,
Welcome to SI. We are here for you. I am sorry that you need us however. It is so painful to go through this.

You are spot on with identification of his behavior, the text messages and the other pieces of the puzzle that is being connected. If you can get into his computer, facebook etc. you might find more information. If you find it, make copies and save the information. Do not divulge where you find information. That was a mistake I made.

Stay with the 180 degree's. You need to contact and attorney and find out what your rights are now. You do not need to make major decisions now, but you will most likely have shared bank accounts, etc and you want to know where you stand legally with those. Also, where you stand with him leaving the house. Given his anger issues, it might not be a bad idea to find out what you would need for a restraining order should he start acting out. Since he is not currently, it would help to have the information sooner than later.

You also need to see your doctor for STD testing. Do not have unprotected sex with him. Even though he has left, things may change and you need to be prepared.

We are here for you. Post often. Eat, drink and try to rest.

[This message edited by brkn_heartd at 10:17 PM, December 25th (Wednesday)]

Skan posted 12/26/2013 13:28 PM

Hello there and welcome. I would say that your gut instincts are right on. I sincerely doubt that he has spent all of this time and effort for an EA alone. I concur that you do need to be STD/HIV tested. The likelihood that he has not had a PA is slim to nonexistent.

What you are seeing is not remorse about his actions and choices. You are seeing regret that he got caught. There's a big difference between the two. And as long as he continues to keep his head up his rear end and continues to lie to you, there really isn't much hope of any kind of marriage. Now is the time to go see a lawyer and find out what your rights are. He's showing you who he is right now, by his actions and his words. You need to know what your next legal steps should be to disentangle your lives, because it looks like he has no intention of doing any work necessary to salvage your marriage. And frankly, given how ugly he has shown himself to be, making sure that he doesn't have a legal right to come back is in your best interests.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you.

Roxyme765 posted 12/26/2013 17:05 PM

It's crazy how much you see people post similar things on here. I found out my husband was cheating by finding an email. He has always had a short fuse and temper. He had a horrible problem with being able to look me in the eye and lie to my face. Then when he would start confessing things it was partial truths. I have used the word "omitting" to him several times. And several times He said to me "ok that's it. That's the whole truth. You know everything". Then I would find out about another girl. He will admit now that he continued to be mean, lie and omit because 1) even though I moved out he never thought I'd really divorce him and 2) he was trying to save a little face and not give me more fuel to justify him being in the wrong. I feel like the sad part is a lot of WS continue this behavior until they see that the BS is really really over it and done. At least mine wouldn't give 100% effort until he actually thought he had lost me. We even went to MC but he didn't put anything into it. Now I believe that he is really trying but I think it might be too late for me. I have no room to give advice because I am still figuring all this out. But I can say as long as he is still demonstrating these behaviors it isn't going to work. I wish you the best and hope he has an epiphany soon!

Greenfrog posted 12/27/2013 03:59 AM

Thank you so much! I had no idea how good it
Would feel to be validated. I feel like I've been wrong.
And I've been overreacting.
Because that's what he tells me. And he's so convincing.
Thank you Skan your words are very validating and clarifying.
And make me feel like I'm not crazy.
And roxyme765 our situations seem very similar.
It's is odd how similar people act.
And also were both separated and undecided on
R.
Today I told him I was ready to move on.
Because I know he's not telling me the truth.
And he just comes back with Unserious
game playing. He said I don't know what your talking about
but I guess I'll move on too. And then he turns his location
Services back off so I can't find him.
All his friends were girls from work. And he's been
Living at his sisters. And I can always find him
There with gps. And from the cell bill he not texting anyone.
It looks like he playing phone games and watching
Shows. The data is all I see. Except a few texts to work.
So it did seem like he was trying. And he seems
Lonely. But that's it. No truth, no being nice, except
When I just appease and talk small talk.
He had at least turned on location services And stop texting her. But the second I express myself he gets mad.
And goes backwards.
And the way that woman looked at me was a dead giveaway.
She's way more guilty than him. So I have missing
Days where I still don't know what he was doing. A bunch of
Slip ups that don't add up.
And is what I found.cell bill , Nothing else.
I lost 25 pounds in 3 weeks. And all he cared about
Was that looked better ?He had no concern
that I was devastated and hadn't eaten. I just feel like he can't be serious
He has to play games. It's all a power war to him.
And he talks SO bad about me to anyone who will listen.
I can see his iMessages. He's talking to me and
Another friend at the same time. And his messages
To me I can't even read it looked like he's typing
Drunk. And incoherent And to the friend it's perfect.
Typing. What the heck?
Also I went in the store and went up to the girl
He said he almost slept with and I introduced
Myself. And said my husband told me all about you.
He said he really likes you and you were good friends
Her husband was right there. She was trying so hard
To ignore me. I could tell she was incredibly
Uncomfortable. And her husband seemed really sweet.
She actually seems nice and remorseful
. After I did that, she unfriended him on FB.
I want to ask her what happened.
But I have no idea how she would be. All I have to go
On is my husbands confession that he later took back. and her guilty face.
I do know that when he said that he was serious.
There's no way he was just telling me that.
He was crying and drunk.
Should I ask her? I'd have to show up at her
House. Cuz there's no way she'd answer a text
Or call.

[This message edited by Greenfrog at 4:09 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Skan posted 12/27/2013 10:37 AM

You know, I can well understand wanting to seek answers from the OW, but she really isn't your friend or your concern. She has no reason at all to tell you the truth and her lies coupled with your WHs lies will just make you crazier. You've given her BH a head's up by your confrontation while he was present, so I would suggest that you just leave that sleeping Ho lie. If it wasn't her, it would (and probably was) be someone else.

Your WH is definitely gaming you. He's twisting things so that YOU are the focus of HIS bad behavior, not him. Step away and don't play his games. Please do go see that lawyer and start proceedings. If you haven't already, get a separate bank account with only your name on it and transfer at least 1/2 of the money in your joint account into it. Cancel any joint credit cards and get your own. If you have automatic deposits into the joint account, re-direct them into your personal account. Making a grab for all of the money and assets is a typical WSs reaction. It's time to think of YOU first.

tushnurse posted 12/27/2013 10:51 AM

Listen to Skan she is wise.

You need to make yourself a to do list, and try to take some of the emotion out of this. He is abusing you, and you speak of anger, and gameplaying. He honestly sounds like a sick man, that you are unsure if he is capable of causing you physical harm. In that situation it's best to protect yourself as much as possible.

1. go to the Dr. Get tested for STD's/HIV, if you are still so upset you are unable to sleep/eat/hydrate, then ask for something to help you through this time. Your Dr is there to help you, and will.

2. Get to an Attorney and find out what your rights are and his responsibilities are, and start moving toward being independent.

3. 180 hard. If you have kids they should be the only thing you talk about until he is truly ready to confess his sins, and work toward repairing himself and your M.

4. Forget the OW, she will most likely not tell you the truth, and honestly it wont help your situation.

5. You may see his stopped communication with these OW as an effort on his part to work on R. I would bet my lunch that he has a burner phone that he is communicating with them on. So be very careful in what you believe in what he is saying and appearing to do.

Time for you to put yourself first, no one else will.

((((and strength))))

Greenfrog posted 12/27/2013 13:55 PM

Thank you guys.
I will do all that. It feels scary but I'm done
with this life. I'm done being scared of him.
And I'd like to have a loving partner.
I'm a stay at home mom my kids are
Homeschooled, he's the sole provider.
That's what makes this scary.
And yes he has tried to take all the money.
And then he flip flops.
I opened an account. And I've written myself
Checks to the new account.
Not for much but so I'd have something.
He talks nice to me but he simotaniously
Is talking horrible behind my back.
The sad part is the kids are happy to have him gone
They are living in peace.
My 16 year old is the one who pushed to kick him
Out.

Nature_Girl posted 12/28/2013 02:24 AM

I know it's scary to be a homeschooling SAHM. I was that when I found out. You're in good company here.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/28/2013 08:48 AM

And then he turns his location
Services back off so I can't find him

My WS did the same thing. That bastard. That move was exatly what shattered my illusion that there was any hope for this relationship.

Either he's hiding and lying or he's just saying I don't like to be followed. Either way it's a very angry, forceful and clear expression of contempt for you and your feelings.

To me that one act of defiance negates Anything else he might be doing. He is purposely making you feel unsafe. I don't care what his reasons are
. That action alone speaks volumes about his character.

My advice. Focus on you. He's just going to keep hurting you. It's almost guaranteed.

I'm sorry.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:50 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Greenfrog posted 1/7/2014 02:30 AM

Thanks guys,
I can relate to both of you.
Being a stay at home mom is very scary.
I have to get a job. Which is fine
But I haven't been in the work world in years.
He now calls out bank account. HIS
And says I have no right to call it ours
Beciase I put no money in it.
He just a real jerk. He STILL has not admitted
To what is obvious. He didn't like me talking to
His sister so he told his sister. Everything
I say is lies and thst I'm actually crazy.
And have mental issues. That is incrediblly
Hurtful. I see this beciase I am spying.
I'm trying to figure out who I'm really married too.
And I'm trying to see if he ever says anything
Nice aboute at all. He doesn't !
He told me that him and thst girl he works with
And was texting non stop for 6 months has one
Conversation about sex yeah right.
But he said thru were talking about oral sex.
And I said did she offer to do that for u?
And he flipped out! I mean really flipped out.
I think I'll never know the truth.
And he called me and f'in piece of sh**
And f'in bit** to his sister that I even asked that.
I and then he's nice the next day.
If I file for divorce ,The inly thing I'm afraid if is having no insurance.
While I look for a job. I'm just frozen I can't get
Anything done. I'm hurt by how he talks about me.
He lies so much!!! And with my kids home I have
No time to gett self in a right frame of
Mind to get things done. I'm just lost right now

confused615 posted 1/7/2014 07:06 AM

That data on his phone could also be him accessing an email account.

(((((Greenfrog)))))

I wish you strength and peace.

steadfast1973 posted 1/7/2014 07:29 AM

MyXWH1 did all if that shit, too. Tell me he wanted to work on things, and then tell his parents nasty things about me... He tried to tell my BFF of 10 years that I stole from her.

Skan posted 1/7/2014 14:27 PM

All of the above is why you must see a lawyer ASAP. They can tell you what you what your rights are, how much child support/spousal support you can expect, file for primary custody of the kids, and file for sole use of the house. Because right now, he has the RIGHT to come back in and stay, or take the kids for however long he wants, wherever he wants. You need legal help yesterday. And a lawyer can see about having the children kept on his insurance and him paying you a fixed amount for you to go seek individual insurance.

Please make the appointment and go. Pay for it out of the joint account, not yours. He can call your joint account his or he can call it a frog, but as long as your name is on it, it is joint. If you think that he's going to rob it (or even if you don't), take 1/2 of the money out of it and transfer it into your personal account. (((hugs)))

bent44 posted 1/7/2014 16:26 PM

This quote helped me immensely in the early days with regards to my DD....

"It is better to be from a broken home than in one."

Sounds like your 16yo knows what's up.

Lalagirl posted 1/8/2014 07:11 AM

All of the above is why you must see a lawyer ASAP. They can tell you what you what your rights are, how much child support/spousal support you can expect, file for primary custody of the kids, and file for sole use of the house. Because right now, he has the RIGHT to come back in and stay, or take the kids for however long he wants, wherever he wants. You need legal help yesterday. And a lawyer can see about having the children kept on his insurance and him paying you a fixed amount for you to go seek individual insurance.

This! 1000%!!! Yesterday!

((((Greenfrog))) - you can do this, sweetie - Keep posting...we're here for you and will be with you every step of the way.

NeverAgain2013 posted 1/8/2014 09:01 AM

Yup - the lawyer is FIRST on your list.

Second is a job, as soon as possible.

You cannot depend on him financially and expect to ever have any type of independence. So a job is tantamount.

Lastly, the guy is lying through his teeth and it's not just an 'emotional' affair. What a crock.

Anyone with THAT much opportunity for face-time together has definitly gone way past the crush stage and entered the physical realm. He's a real piece of work.

Sounds like you're much better off without him.

Get to a lawyer ASAP.

Good luck to you.