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Pretty Shocked but Not Sure Why

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Laurie172 posted 12/25/2013 22:29 PM

So, here's my horror story.

Married 23 years together 25. We have 3 kids, all boys (23, 18 and soon to be 17). Been in love since we were children ourselves (teen parents and all).

Back in November I decided to hack my husband's facebook account (not sure why just did) and I found that he was having cybersex with another woman. I was devastated, crushed, flipped a lid so to speak. Was begging God to take the pain away. He even referred to her as a nickname he calls me. I lost it.

He immediately told her via facebook message to never contact him again and that I had found out what he was doing and that I was going to leave him (which I never told him, but glad he thought that) and also told her that he loves me more than life itself and nothing was worth losing me over.

He seemed very remorseful but I knew he wasn't coming completely clean. Could be because I was flipping out like a mental patient or because he didn't want me know. Not sure which just yet. He says he didn't want to hurt me more.

I guess they had been chatting on and off (of a sexual nature) for at least a year, according to my research this is accurate.

Of course at first he tells me it was just a few weeks...I hate that, just come clean with it all at once that makes it easier.

Finally a few weeks ago I sat him down and said look we need to get everything out so I can decide what to do with my life.

I asked him to tell me everything he was keeping from me at any point in our lives together.

I wish I wouldn't have. He tells me that several years ago (he's not sure if it was 08 or 09) he had a sexual relationship with an employee. He says it lasted around 3 months or so but isn't completely sure. Supposedly she confided in him that her marriage was on the rocks and it escalated from there. They began texting in a sexual nature. Then they finally met in a park for oral sex, then met again for more oral sex. She wanted him to have intercourse and he said he couldn't do it, she got super mad and started threatening him and he just told her it was done, he couldn't move forward with it any longer. Supposedly she threatened him that she would tell his work and tell me if he didn't continue. She even told him she would tell my youngest boy (who at the time would have been in middle school... like really?) So he told her to tell whoever she wanted, he wasn't going to continue and wasnt going to sleep with her. She never said a word I guess because he just disclosed it to me now (he no longer works there btw). She did supposedly bring it to HR years later when she got in trouble for screwing something up but they didn't believe her and nothing came of it on that end.

And this isn't the first cybersex situation we have had just the most recent and the longest running.

So, I'm sure there's a lot I left out but just wanted to get my story out there!

Please tell me I can get through this... it's so damn hard!

lovedmesomehim posted 12/26/2013 05:37 AM

Hi Laurie;

I am so sorry that you have found yourself here, but it is a very safe place to be. You are surrounded by others who are going through the very same thing that you are experiencing.

To answer your question: Yes. You can survive and get through this.

I see that you are dealing with a serial cheater. I am also sorry to tell you that he has probably NOT told you everything at this point. Yes, he gave you more details, but if he has been cheating since 08 or 09, there may be more. He is not remorseful, as yet. He is relieved that you are still there, so he has thrown more info at you to make it seem as if he is telling you everything. Do not believe him just yet.

I don't exactly know why, but sometimes these guys go through a semi-purge and begin to confess and give more information than you had proof of. It just may be a ploy to keep you from digging further, but I am not sure.

He is sorry he got caught, but there is no remorse here. In my opinion, that takes much more time.

Your husband is spiraling out of control if he is engaging in sex with women on his job and putting his livlihood at risk. In addition, and most importantly, he is putting your health at risk too, with these escapades.

Schedule an appointment with your doctor to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases as soon as you possibly can. Do that, no matter what he says, because in these situations, protection was probably not used. I'm so sorry to tell you that.

This is a very slow time on the boards, but I will tell you that others with far more experience will come along to help guide you. Just begin now to read in the healing library on the left in the yellow box.

You are going to be shaky and think you are losing your sanity for awhile...but you already know that, because he has hurt you in this way before. Promise yourself that you will NOT allow him, or yourself to rugsweep this to make it go away. If you still want this guy, he has a lot of work to do.

Keep reading. Keep posting and reaching out here. This is such a horrible thing that has happened and I am so sorry.

It doesn't seem like it today, but you can emerge from this stronger and much wiser. Attend to your own needs and be gentle with yourself.


Laurie172 posted 12/26/2013 12:27 PM

Thanks for your response. I should also add that we have discussed this daily since he confessed it to me, which probably isn't helping any.

He asked if we could go to counseling together (he is already in counseling himself).

He did tell me something that struck a nerve with me, he mentioned that when he told me about the PA that he felt like when he looked into my eyes he saw every bad thing he had ever done to me. Like a movie. He said he thought it was God saying here asshole look at this shit for a minute. Now if you know my husband, he isn't a bible thumper or anything like that. I got him to tell me by saying "now what is it that you were going to take to your grave with you" and thats what opened the door to him explaining the PA 5 or 6 years ago. I imagine he could have kept it from me, I really had no clue whatsoever. He said he was always terrified of me finding out because he knew I would leave him. I may have tricked him a bit because I did tell him I knew things he didn't know I knew (which may have scared him into telling as well I don't know).

I really wish he could remember which year. We've tried piecing all the times together so we could but he just doesn't remember which year it was.We have it narrowed down to 2.

I'm pretty confident I have all the information. He did say it was easier to tell me what he had done when I wasn't screaming and crying. If I am too emotional he just gets scared and shuts down or gets angry and cant control his words. That's just his personality. So he did acknowledge the trickle truth issue and how it makes things worse but he thought it was just hurting me more to give me all the details. So yes we had trickle truth for a few weeks but now I feel we both have a good understanding of exactly what was going on. I do believe him when he says he can't stand to see me like this, knowing he is the one who did it to me.

The last online issue I just brushed off because honestly at the time it didn't really hurt that bad. We are very open with our sexuality and I guess I didn't honestly feel it was a huge deal. This time for some reason I am having more issues with it.

I am trying to find a way to not discuss it every waking moment with him. And this will sound really crazy but I think it's causing him to lose it a little bit and I actually feel kind of bad about it.

He is fully aware he has a problem for sure, has always had sexual issues since a child. This I know is true because I know some things he never dealt with from childhood. He knows this doesn't excuse going outside of our marriage.

We have invited others into our bedroom, twice in our relationship but it was a mutual invite. So there are TONS of issues in our relationship, not just his sexual deviancy, mine as well (although I never turned outside our marriage).

I truly know in my heart that none of this meant anything to him emotionally, he was in it for the attention and sex. He has no issues discussing it but does have some trouble when I keep asking the same question over and over, every day, for weeks on end now. I have to find a way to control that or we aren't going to get anywhere with this.

So do you think counseling is a good thing in our situation? We are not your "average" married couple. We have gone places together that most marriages do not. I'm kind of embarrassed by some of the things we have done together, let alone what he did alone. Could it make things worse? I don't normally believe in counseling, I have this issue with other people telling me how I should

Again this board is the best thing I've ever found!

Sorry my posts are so long winded. I definitely ramble... a lot.

Any advice would be great!!

Jrazz posted 12/26/2013 13:09 PM

Don't worry about the length of you posts... we need to get it all out in the beginning so we can step back and take a look at what we are actually dealing with.

Just because you tried to overlook his past indiscretions doesn't mean that it's a standard you have to maintain. Every day's a new day to get it right.

He seems to have an addiction to this that transcends circumstance. He's going to need to do a lot more work than just saying "I'm sorry - I'll never do it again - I promise" because that obviously doesn't mean anything.

Read through our Healing Library and arm yourself with information from people who have come before you. It's gets a little quiet here around the holidays, but we are here for you and you ARE going to get through this. You will be ok - it just takes some time.


Laurie172 posted 12/26/2013 14:57 PM

Thank you Jrazz,

He is aware that I'm sorry isn't going to cut it. For the first time I think he really saw my pain and for the first time I really felt it myself.

Can only move forward from here and not dwell on the past. Not everything needs to be picked at with a fine tooth comb. It's not good for me at all. I'm learning.

We do love each other that I know. He's getting the help he needs in therapy I hope. He also wants answers as to why he was able to do this to me. He knows he loves me, knows he doesn't want to lose me and feels I am a good wife, friend and lover. It goes beyond the fact that he was not thinking of me at all, there are some deep rooted issues in that man and we both know it.

This will be the first time he is doing anything about it. I should be happy that finally he is being active in fixing this but sometimes I find myself stuck in the pain instead of trying to move forward and look at the future.

I think I'm afraid he will forget how bad he hurt me and resort to his old ways, but he says watching me go through this has scarred him for life. He can't believe the pain he saw in me and doesn't yet understand why it never had that effect on him before. He isn't making excuses or blaming me. He knows this is all his doing.

So yes he is doing all the right things, I have all passwords, phone records and computer access. He's deleted all his porn, deleted his facebook and skype accounts. He took this upon himself, I didn't ask him to do so, which I took as a good sign that he may be serious. Hasn't communicated with anyone since that day. Going to therapy, answering the same questions day in and day out.

Wow life is tough sometimes....

Skan posted 12/26/2013 15:41 PM

Hey, and don't worry that you aren't the "average" married couple. We are straight, gay, bi, poly, mono, and every other thing you can think of. The one thing that we all have in common is that we were all betrayed by our partner the code of conduct that we agreed to, has been shattered. And that's betrayal, no matter what that sexual contract is.

Keep coming back for support. We are ALL here for you.

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