Thanks for your response. I should also add that we have discussed this daily since he confessed it to me, which probably isn't helping any.
He asked if we could go to counseling together (he is already in counseling himself).
He did tell me something that struck a nerve with me, he mentioned that when he told me about the PA that he felt like when he looked into my eyes he saw every bad thing he had ever done to me. Like a movie. He said he thought it was God saying here asshole look at this shit for a minute. Now if you know my husband, he isn't a bible thumper or anything like that. I got him to tell me by saying "now what is it that you were going to take to your grave with you" and thats what opened the door to him explaining the PA 5 or 6 years ago. I imagine he could have kept it from me, I really had no clue whatsoever. He said he was always terrified of me finding out because he knew I would leave him. I may have tricked him a bit because I did tell him I knew things he didn't know I knew (which may have scared him into telling as well I don't know).
I really wish he could remember which year. We've tried piecing all the times together so we could but he just doesn't remember which year it was.We have it narrowed down to 2.
I'm pretty confident I have all the information. He did say it was easier to tell me what he had done when I wasn't screaming and crying. If I am too emotional he just gets scared and shuts down or gets angry and cant control his words. That's just his personality. So he did acknowledge the trickle truth issue and how it makes things worse but he thought it was just hurting me more to give me all the details. So yes we had trickle truth for a few weeks but now I feel we both have a good understanding of exactly what was going on. I do believe him when he says he can't stand to see me like this, knowing he is the one who did it to me.
The last online issue I just brushed off because honestly at the time it didn't really hurt that bad. We are very open with our sexuality and I guess I didn't honestly feel it was a huge deal. This time for some reason I am having more issues with it.
I am trying to find a way to not discuss it every waking moment with him. And this will sound really crazy but I think it's causing him to lose it a little bit and I actually feel kind of bad about it.
He is fully aware he has a problem for sure, has always had sexual issues since a child. This I know is true because I know some things he never dealt with from childhood. He knows this doesn't excuse going outside of our marriage.
We have invited others into our bedroom, twice in our relationship but it was a mutual invite. So there are TONS of issues in our relationship, not just his sexual deviancy, mine as well (although I never turned outside our marriage).
I truly know in my heart that none of this meant anything to him emotionally, he was in it for the attention and sex. He has no issues discussing it but does have some trouble when I keep asking the same question over and over, every day, for weeks on end now. I have to find a way to control that or we aren't going to get anywhere with this.
So do you think counseling is a good thing in our situation? We are not your "average" married couple. We have gone places together that most marriages do not. I'm kind of embarrassed by some of the things we have done together, let alone what he did alone. Could it make things worse? I don't normally believe in counseling, I have this issue with other people telling me how I should feel...lol.
Again this board is the best thing I've ever found!
Sorry my posts are so long winded. I definitely ramble... a lot.
Any advice would be great!!