"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Soverysadtoo posted 12/25/2013 23:04 PM

So here is my story. WS has been saying for years that he has many 40+ women at and around his job that constantly hit on him and he always refuses. He knows and understands all the problems that comes with affairs and frankly doesn't have time or the energy to figure out what he told to whom. This seemed like a great explanation during talks before. Honestly I was often concerned about the attention he gets from these women because he is a great looking, very manly man who is a challenge. He is far from touchy feely and is a bit of a mystery. For instance, I can never really know what he is thinking or how he is feeling, because unless he says it, you can't really read it. I'm sure all those horney unhappy women just ate it up. As far as our marriage, I don't know what he could be unhappy about, seriously he has it made. He says jump and I say how high. I joke of course, but there is some truth in that. He does what he likes, everything is his decision. A well informed and logical decision, but still his. Really, other then complaints about my makeup boxes mess, I don't know what he could not be happy with.

Anyway, just a few days ago I happen to find out that he didn't go to work when he said he did, and instead was at a motel all day!!! As soon as I confronted with this information, he briefly tried to deny but then ultimately confessed. He right away said that from this moment on, it's over, he will have 0 contact with the bitch, and he will do whatever it takes to work on us. He will Never lie to me again, even these lies have made him feel terrible. And this is the only thing that he lied to me about.

I believe what he says. I have never caught him in a lie before, even during fights or ever. He is not the type. He said the A didn't mean anything he rejected her many times before and he doesn't know what made him not reject her that one time. He said it wasnt even worth it, meaning he didn't really enjoy it that much. Meaning maybe it was exciting at first. He has been thinking of ending it anyway because situation at home is changing and he will need to help out and do more at home. He said he really needs to realight his priorities and this was getting in there way, and is taking up his time and energy. He even said he is a bit glad I found out because the stupid A should have been over. Of course he is very sorry he hurt me and it breaks his heart to see me like this knowing it's his fault, and for such a stupid reason.
So now I'm on day 5, living the roller coaster. He is trying, but to me unless we are talking about it non-stop i dont feel good. I like it when he is next to me comforting me and talking to me. I try to be out and about, but that also feels wrong. We go to friends, pretend like nothing happened. And it's good to get distracted and not be in the swamp of self pity. But other then come over to me, or call me every few hours I don't see much difference in his behavior towards me. Not quite sure what to do.
I did show him this site and he read the faq for the ws. So he wants to do it, he just doesn't know how, and I don't want to tell him every minute what I want him to do.

TrustedHer posted 12/26/2013 00:16 AM

Take care of yourself.

Drink water. Eat something. Sleep when you can.

Read in the Healing Library, which you can find at the upper left of the screen..

5 days is not a lot. You will need more time, and you will need to use that time wisely.

This early out, your personal survival is important. He needs to do his work, but you need to physically do what you need to do to get through the next days and weeks.

tushnurse posted 12/26/2013 09:14 AM

(((Soverysad))))

Honey what you are feeling and going through is normal. Unfortunately I fear that you are just at the very beginning, and there will be many more lies, and broken promises. You need to prepare yourself for this.

It sucks, it's not fair, and it shouldn't have happened, but it did, and is. So now you need to realize a few things.

1. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS - No matter what he says and no matter how he rewrites your relationship, this is just excuses for his brokenness. And even though he says he wants to R, and is relieved it's out in the open and over, he is still broken, he still has crappy coping skills, and will fall back into old ways, and comfortable habits when things aren't going swimmingly.

2. YOU DESERVE MORE - No one deserves to go through this, and yet many of us do. But the interesting thing is many of prior to Dday, and R didn't demand the respect we deserved, we did whatever our spouse asked for happily, and found much our happiness came from our spouses happiness. This is a flawed system, and ends up making us terribly co-dependent. YOU are responsible for your own happiness, and HE is responsible for his own as well, and that's where the void, and the need for the added attention comes from.

Until you demand the respect you deserve you won't get it, it won't matter how remorseful he is or isn't. Until you find your inner strength, and know that with or without him you will happy, whole, and fufilled, you will be willing to put up with too much crap.

3. Now you know it was physical, and despite whatever he told you the one thing you know for sure is HE IS A LIAR AND A CHEAT. In that vein if he says he used protection you can't believe him, if he says they had safe sex you can't believe him. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE - Get yourself into the Dr and get tested for STD's. If he is serious about R he too needs to get tested, and you need to see the proof that he is clean, not just his word of it, but the results from the lab.
While you are getting tested if you are having doing the big three, staying hydrated, eating and sleeping, then talk to the Dr about it, and get something to help you. They will not judge you, and they will help you through this tough spot in life. Believe it or not this is something they see every day.

4. You will see often here the phrase "Trust but verify". I personally disagree with this, as I attempted this route initally, and had my H break NC multiple times, and I strongly encourage to live by this simple phrase - "Do NOT trust Verify, Check up, Snoop, DO NOT believe your spouse, until you verify things a gazillion times and know for a fact that they are not lying before you start to trust again."
The harsh reality of the situation is they have proven one thing, and that is they cannot be trusted, and to be willing to trust again so soon ends up hurting the BS. If the WS is earnest in their efforts to repair the M they will get that you don't trust, and will certainly understand the need to verify. They will help you to rebuild the trust they broke. If not then they are not seriously attempting to R.
Keep reading the healing Library, keep reading here, and keep posting.

We are over 40,000 strong of been there done that, we have a lot of experience, and knowledge amongst us.

((((and stregth)))

Soverysadtoo posted 12/26/2013 09:50 AM

Thank you for your response. It really is wonderful to have found this place as I really dont want to tell anyone in my life. I completely understand what you saying

Until you demand the respect you deserve you won't get it, it won't matter how remorseful he is or isn't. Until you find your inner strength, and know that with or without him you will happy, whole, and fulfilled, you will be willing to put up with too much crap.

but I dont know how to ask for that. You are right, everything was always his way and for the most part he is usually right in all the daily decisions and i have come to rely on him for that. I also know that he is who he is, and me expecting him to become an open, emotional and sensitive is just unrealistic. I dont want to have unrealistic expectations either. I know he will not change entirely, but i want some changes. I know I DESERVE some changes.

However, how do i get that? I dont want to say i want you to call/txt me every hour, or buy me flowers, or say you sorry again. I want him to just do it. I want him to spend hours trying to figure out what HE can do to make me happy. But i cant make him do it.

I do believe, and i hope i dont ever have to take those words back, that he is done with the lying and cheating. I do. He is open to any and all spying on my part, and I will. So putting that aside, how can i get him to be there for me just as i need him.

(apologies for grammar)

[This message edited by Soverysadtoo at 9:51 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

painfulpast posted 12/26/2013 12:44 PM

He is being transparent now, but that's after the fact.

First, you seem quite enamored with your husband, to the point of putting him on a pedestal, even now. Don't. He cheated, and the odds that it was 'one time and caught' are really very small. That would make him an incredibly sloppy and stupid person. Most cheaters minimize what they have done to avoid stronger consequences, or being embarrassed, or just being proven to be a liar again. It's called Trickle Truth, and it means you get a little information each time. I wouldn't believe it was one time based on his word alone, at all. Check the credit card statements for the past few months. Look for hotels, expensive dinners, etc. Anything that doesn't add up.

Honestly, does it make sense that on their very first date they went straight to a hotel? No, of course not.

Remember this - cheaters lie. Your husband is no different, so please stop idolizing him.

As far as his behavior, you haven't done much of anything except want to talk about it. Has he had any incentive to change his behavior, or to be more affectionate, or to show remorse?

[This message edited by painfulpast at 12:44 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Soverysadtoo posted 12/26/2013 13:10 PM

You are right of course about me putting him on a pedestal. But how do I just snap our of it? I don't even know what I want from him. And no credit card, I think he paid for all in cash, or she did. I don't think they had any other relationship other then that PA, at least not from his side. He did tell me that she talked about leaving her husband for my WH, but he told her from the start that it will never happen.

sudra posted 12/26/2013 13:17 PM

I don't think they had any other relationship other then that PA, at least not from his side. He did tell me that she talked about leaving her husband for my WH, but he told her from the start that it will never happen.

Then this was not a one time encounter in a hotel.

You may not get credit cards but you can call the hotel and try to get other dates he registered if he used his name.

You can get cell phone records, facebook, email, etc., to try to discover and verify.

And please get tested for STDs, now.

[This message edited by sudra at 2:58 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Soverysadtoo posted 12/26/2013 13:28 PM

I will. I know it wasn't one time. He said it lasted for a few months. He said she contacted him via work.

Soverysadtoo posted 12/26/2013 13:35 PM

But how to get my mojo back? We met I was so young. My identity is totally defined by him. I know that I need to change that, but how??

tushnurse posted 12/26/2013 14:25 PM

I get you there Sovery, I was 15 when I started dating my H. He too was my entire world. I lived to make him happy, and to make our family life perfect. However it wasn't enough to keep him happy. Breaking the cycle is hard, and it takes time, and a lot of trial and error.

Imagine if he had suddenly died instead ofhaving an A. How would you have gone on with your life in that situation. What are the things that you enjoy? What are the things that intrest you? What would your life be like without him being a part of it? Start by figuring those things out. I can tell you that it takes a while to break those "lifelong" habits.

I would strongly recommend that you get Codependent no more, and start reading it. Also find some things that intrest you and start participating in them, if you want to take a yoga class do, if you want to learn how to play guitar sign up for lessons. Start becoming your own person again and find your identity. Lastly some IC to help you break the cycle and understand why you are in it would be helpful as well.

When you find yourself again it's a whole lot easier to know that you can be happy without him, and that your life would be full, and complete without him. He also needs to know and understand that you know this. It's amazing how they want to be with you when they know you don't need them.

((((and strength)))

Edith posted 12/26/2013 14:47 PM

SVST,
I am so sorry you are going through this awful pain.

But how to get my mojo back?

For me, it is a very long and arduous process. I started changing things about myself, one step at a time. Started working out. Started reaching out. Changed lots of things about myself. Just remember that YOU are worth it and you can do it! Sending hugs your way.

E.

Soverysadtoo posted 12/26/2013 20:38 PM

I know I am! I know that I'm super awesome! He knows it too, which I'm sure was why he never considered a D. I can't think what other person would put up with his strong personality. It's almost like he found me young and groomed me as a perfect mate for him. I on the other hand always have to compromise. So I want this to be my chance to make things better for both of us. I do still love him so much and want to be happy together. It's what I always want and pray for. So back to my question how do I get that. I know it's not easy for him to just reverse roles and put me on the pedestal, but I think that's exactly what I need and want. So please give me some hard core examples.

tushnurse posted 12/27/2013 08:50 AM

He won't put you on that pedestal until you do it for yourself. See that's the tricky part. As a BS, who has always done everything for the WS they come to expect some things, and even though he appreciates you washing and folding his undies, and putting them away, and a clean home, and well cooked meals, he doesn't need to tell you are a queen for it, because you have done it all along.

You can go about this your own way, and still get what you need. I continued to all the "wifely" things I had always done, but if I had something I wanted for me, I did it. Got all my hair cut off, because I wanted it short (I kept it long our entire relationship because that was how he liked it). I wore acrylic nails for the first time in my life because I wanted them, I lost weight, I took up a hobby that has now become a family business. I gained confidence in me by doing these things.

That allowed me to stop him when he was disrespectful to me, it allowed me to say no, I won't tolerate being yelled at because you had a crappy day. I also realized that my happiness was coming from me. If I did something that made him happy, like cooked a meal he loved, great, but if I didn't because I didn't have time because I was busy making lotions, or doing something for me, that was ok too.

You are more codependent than you realize, and you don't need him to be all meek, and falling at your feet, but what you do need is respect in all levels of your life, and that starts with being strong and confident in yourself. In R it took more than a year for my H to realize how freaking awesome I was, but now he knows, and he does a pretty good job of making sure I know he knows. He isn't all wishy washy, smoochy kissy, but he does speak very highly of me, and he does say thank you for my efforts in our home, life, and relationship.

Take2 posted 12/27/2013 11:07 AM

This close to Dday, and for quite a while to come, you are going to be on the rollercoaster regardless of what you and he - do or don't do, but I have an idea that might help.

To start - I'd recommend 3 books: How to Help Your Spouse Heal After the Affair, The Five Love Languages, and Not Just Friends (Shirley Glass). Read them together. The first and second should guide him in what to do to help you, so hopefully you will not feel "you" have to spell it out. The third should help define some boundaries for him with all those women at work, as you move forward.

It sounds like you were over-invested in the M, to the point of losing yourself, ie: the M was your identity,(no judgement - me too). But you were doing all the work. And that leaves the other spouse in a position where they can become under-invested. Needless to say perhaps - it is the spouse less invested in the relationship, who cheats.

But if you think about it - the set up here is that the WS doesn't need to do anything to get what they want out of the M. They don't have to work at it, cause the OS is doing all the work and sacrificing. So, your WH needs to start investing in the marriage, and he needs to figure out what that means - Hopefully the books him give some ideas about what that looks like.

But as the others have said - you need to start investing in yourself. Investing in things that please you, intrigue you, stimulate you as an individual. I used to pride myself in being the "glue" of the family. I was the troubleshooter, go-fer, laborer, that held us together. Being the glue isn't enough - it isn't a life. You need to take some time to find out what interests you - experiment, it may come down to trial and error.
I mean, literally schedule this time for yourself to do just that - figure it out.

I say this for a couple reasons. I think, it is only human nature to take for granted that which we don't have to struggle to obtain... or to keep. And we lose respect for people we can easily use. Conversely, we appreciate what we have to work for. This is one of the hinge pins of the 180.

And here's the other reason. You can not save the M by yourself. You can not control his choices, past, present, or future. You can not control his level of effort in R. The only person you can control is you - find out who that is, honor who that is. Win, lose, or limbo - when it comes to R, investing in you is the one thing totally within your control, that you won't regret, whatever else happens.

Ideas: check out meetup.com: photography? running? book club? knitting? game nights? cooking? birding? Did you always want to travel? Start a bucket list - look for deals. Is there a charity that you have a heart for? See how you can help. Like to write - set aside 2 hours a day - start with journaling perhaps. Did you enjoy school? Go back! Like I said - trial and error. And you may not find anything elicits enthusiasm so close to D-day, but do start thinking on it.

[This message edited by Take2 at 11:15 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

BAB61 posted 12/27/2013 11:32 AM

Not for nothing, but your WH sounds like a classic NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) - learn what you can. Check his computer for In-Private Browsing program....ask him to delete it. Verify that he has. Get access to the phone records, it's too easy to delete stuff off the phone. Be proactive. Read all you can. Get into IC for you as soon as you can.

I'm truly sorry you are here....but know that you have found some great people that can help you through this.

SoVerySadNow posted 12/27/2013 11:50 AM

It's a shock, isn't it? You believe your life is a certain way, that you are married to a certain person, then-wham-everything changes in an instant. What's up? What's down? Who is he? Who am I?
Lots of us Betrayeds are faced with re-evaluating everything in order to get a firm footing again.

I went through the first week or so in a complete daze, feeling like I had dropped into an alternate dimension. Then I felt better, like I would handle the bomb that had detonated my life and marriage pretty well. Then, I hit the first drop on the "rollercoaster". It was a big one too- championship.

Be kind to yourself, read lots, don't make decisions right now. The wisdom on this forum has saved me more than once. Post when you feel like it.