SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Kelany posted 12/26/2013 08:04 AM

I know, we can't control what we dream about. I've had all the usual dreams about his AP's, confrontations, him continuing to cheat, affairs I didn't know about, etc. Horrible. Thankfully I haven't had one in awhile.

Sometimes I will have dreams though that *I* have decided to cheat on him. Lately they have been more frequent even. They are often graphic dreams too.

This is bothering me. Again, I know I can't control what I dream about. However, aren't dreams a part of your subconscious coming out? Of course, I've *thought* about a RA for like 5 seconds, but I would not do it. I could not inflict that kind of pain on my husband regardless of what he's ever done to me. I could not do that to myself, I respect myself too much. I couldn't do it to my children.

But does this mean a small part of me subconsciously wishes that I could have an affair? WHY?

I mean things have been going VERY well with my husband. We had a bump in the road back in November when he lost his job, they said it was due to harassment (touching employees on the back) and it was like a repeat of DDay2. I freaked, but after an investigation, he was found INNOCENT. (His ex boss set him up). The way he handled everything was a complete 180 of DDay2. He has an even better job now and I was able to gain more trust in him because he did not lie to me about anything and was 100% up front about everything and then when the investigation closed and it was determined that there was no cause for him being fired I was actually happy because it validated that he has changed significantly.

So WHY am I dreaming about cheating on him? He's doing EVERYTHING right. He's becoming the man I always knew he could be. He's here for me in every way possible. He's becoming an amazing father. I'm so beyond in love with this new man. Yes, I still have my scars, I'm only a year and a half out from DDay2, 2 1/2 years from DDay1, but I'm healing steadily.

So WHY am I dream cheating on my husband???

wahoo8895 posted 12/26/2013 08:18 AM

I don't mean to sound flip, but I think the reason you have dreams about cheating is because you are human and you are not dead. I've had plenty of those dreams. When I first started having them and discussed them with my therapist thinking something was wrong, my IC said that it is only natural for humans to play out these situations in our head when we dream or even in our waking imagination. Dreaming or fantasizing about it, does not mean that we are on the slippery slope towards engaging in our own affair.

Quite by chance, I had my own dream last night (no kidding), also rather graphic, involving me and a nameless woman (not FWW). And I'm at 4 years out from DDay. I have them from time to time and I don't really think anything of them other than, wow that was a fun dream.

What separates us from being a WH or a WW is that we DO NOT ACT on these dreams or fantasies. They stay in our heads. It is when we start taking some sort of action to make those dreams a reality (however small), that is when we begin to get into trouble.

blakesteele posted 12/26/2013 08:23 AM

You are as normal as me....for what that's worth.

Pre-A blakesteele had fantasies....strictly physical thoughts with non-specific different women NOT my wife.

Post-A blakesteele had (has but becoming less frequent 16 months out) very female-specific fantasies.....real thoughts about real women I know.....lots of them.....from young to mature....married to single. Another change was the birth of things I fantasized about. It is no longer just about the their height, weight and shape.....it was about how I envisioned them within a M. Their ability to love, level of commitment, respect they were capable of showing.

All is fantasy....really don't know any of the women well enough to profess my thoughts are fully fact based.....but the detail now compared to then is.....shocking.

It DOES liken back to what my wife allowed to happen to her.....knowing a man on a surface level, taking that knowledge and building a "fantastic man" from that, and using that fantasy filled image to justify breaking her vows to me and contemplating making vows to him.

How do I get out if that rut to a path to adultery? Grateful ness.

When you are grateful for what you have you are less likely to feel resentment. Less resentment equals less anger. Anger can lead you to want to protect yourself. Self protection leads to isolation. Isolation leads to saddness and depression. Depression leads to hopelessness. Hopelessness leads to poor decisions.....adultery CAN be one of those poor decisions.

Post often, find an accountability partner, and pray.

God be with us all.

musiclovingmom posted 12/26/2013 08:37 AM

FWIW, I feel like my dreams are almost always something I would never do. Seems almost like it is my subconscious' way of saying 'ok, I've got these thoughts that you will NEVER act on and I've got to get them out somewhere. So, dreams it is'.

Kelany posted 12/26/2013 08:45 AM

Music, that's an interesting perspective and probably very accurate to be honest.

I have at times used poor coping skills to deal with his affairs, drinking, but I was able to recognize it and stop. I guess it's just my fear talking.

Still having pain over infidelity and knowing the damage being so great that how can I even subconsciously think about it? I mean sometimes I even have an orgasm due to the dream. I don't want to "enjoy" infidelity even in a dream state. It just bothers me.

kate0421 posted 12/26/2013 15:03 PM

Even though I'm not far from d day, I have had dreams and fantasies about a RA. Actually in my first initial " self destructive " month I went out and had somewhere around 15 shots of tequila and as soon as someone hit on me I automatically turned it down quick and walked away... I then ( pretty intoxicated) got upset with myself... I was pissed off that I couldn't do it even if I wanted too.I was enraged that I couldn't be a WS. I was seriously upset with myself over this. I know how ridiculous this must sound but now I embrace the respect I have for myself and my morals.And I still have these dreams from time to time, and to be honest at first I would be disgusted with myself..but now I'm glad it's me and not another video in my head of WS getting off ( I have plenty of those awake )

herongirl posted 12/26/2013 16:31 PM

I've been having those dreams too. They always involve men I don't know & are often set in public places. Disturbing yes, but I agree with MLM, that they are probably just a way for our sub-conscious to process our conflicting emotions. As long as I don't feel inclined to act on them, I usually just think, "hmm, that was weird" & get on with my day.

HardenMyHeart posted 12/26/2013 23:04 PM

I have a cheating dream that recurs about every 6 months. I find myself in bed with a pretty woman about my age. I do not know who she is and I do not know how I got into the situation. We are about to make love when I suddenly panic as I remember that I am married. The panic then turns to fear and confusion; as I start to question how did I get here; how do I tell my wife; what do I say to this strange woman? After that I wake up, realize it was a dream, and have a strong sense of relief.

I have never felt I was acting out of revenge in the dream. The panic and fear that engulfs me makes it feel like more of a nightmare.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 11:06 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]