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The feeling of 2nd place.

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pointofnoreturn posted 12/26/2013 09:01 AM

One of my FOO issues has to be the feeling I have when I'm a second priority. Now note that this is related to the A, but in no means am I suggesting BBF made me feel second place, so therefore I went and had As. No, he is not at fault here for that.

I was the second and youngest child. I never really was the baby of the family, though. It just seemed rather, "Eh, we did this before." When it came to raising me. This is evidenced by the fact that there's plenty of photos of my sister growing up, but with me, there's not that many. I think the part that hurts the most is that there was always a baby photo of my sister on the dresser, but not of me. In my own weird way, I dealt with this by actually convincing myself it was me. That all these photos of my sister's birthday party was really of mine! Things like that.

My mom had an A, shit hit the fan, they divorced and she went to live with OM. Years later, I look through the divorce paperwork. Isn't it joyous to be dehumanized and "shared" like you're some sort of property?

My mom had her own issues with validation. My sister took up cheer leading, and my mom jumped on board. With all the nice, shiny trophies, it fed into my mom's ego. All the other team members thought she was cool, and the parents liked her too. She didn't have to be seen for what she done to us.

With me, I took up drawing, but she took the bare minimum interest in it. She'd buy me art supplies, but this was dollar store quality stuff. Stuff that can barely be used. If you're an artist, you might understand the major difference between Roseart and Prismacolor.

Again, bare minimum because the most she could get out of it is "look, PNR drew that! Isn't she such a great drawer?" No shiny trophies. No asspats from fellow parents. Nothing.

So now, if I have a feeling of being second, I trigger. That's not to be confused with "not getting what I want". If I want tuna casserole for dinner, but I don't get it, I don't trigger. But say if someone promises me they'd help me shovel so I can get to work on time, but then I'm out there ALONE, yeah, I feel shat on.

But here's where it all comes full circle. I treated BBF like second place during the As. This is true, it hurts, therefore I carry this burden. Now, the incident with the snow shoveling happened. I not have the right to express my frustration? I feel like in order to heal, my feelings have to be on the back burner. If I'm angry, regardless of what it is, the thought of "well, you cheated" comes racing to me, so I stuff. And stuff. Until something unrelated makes me throw a fit.

I hate how I handle anger. Imagine a little child slamming doors, kicking and screaming. That's me. But that's all I know. That's how I was taught. I'd like it to not be the case, but then again, I feel like I can't express anger due to my As.

I don't know what to do. I just feel anxious about everything.

[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 9:04 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

painfulpast posted 12/26/2013 10:13 AM

Gently, I think you need to see an IC about your issues, which are very real, and not bring your BBF into it at this time.

Just giving a BS perspective - the feeling of 'second best' or 'not chosen' or any of the other ways a person can feel 'less than' are so amazingly strong it's crippling. It takes tremendous strength to believe the WS when they say that the BS isn't second place. The actions have said otherwise.

Your feelings, as I said, are real. The way you were treated as a child was terrible. That said, here is why I say to leave him out of it, and not to expect him to be too compassionate, at least right now - You were made to feel second by someone else. He was made to feel second by you. For you to become irritated because he should understand how you feel regarding this could very well cause a breakdown of the relationship. If it were me, and my WS came inside saying he was angry and upset that I didn't shovel, and that made him feel like second place, I would see it as more selfishness. I can't speak for him obviously, but if that had happened to me at 3 months out, I don't know if I would have stayed and continued R.

I say this ONLY to provide some perspective. I do think you deserve to be heard and to work through these issues. I hope you have a good IC and that you'll be able to work through these issues.

And I'm sorry your childhood was like that. It sounds very lonely.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/26/2013 11:25 AM

The problem though was he promised he would help out. I don't expect him to be a mind reader and just know that I'd like help. I did shoveling by myself yesterday and had no qualms because I didn't have work. Because of lack of help, I was late to work. I'm the only one with an income in the home, so losing my job is a very scary thing.

The thing that gets me, is that a promise was made that didn't fall through. Yet, at the same time, I failed to keep the most important promise of all. So therefore, I feel as if I wouldn't be able to discuss these things that hurt. I don't deserve it, I should expect to just take on all responsibilities from the house to work to bills, etc.

Even bringing up, "Hey, you promised to shovel but you didn't help me" in the most non-confrontational way doesn't see right to me.

So if I stuff, and stuffing is bad, but me as the WS can't express any qualms with the BS due to my A, what then do I do?

painfulpast posted 12/26/2013 12:31 PM

I don't think you need to stuff everything. I think there is another way to say what you want without it resulting in problems you don't want.

How about saying "Hey, I thought you were going to help me shovel today?" and see what he says. Say it as if you're simply asking, and not as if this is a major issue. There may have been a reason, or reasons. I'm not going to speculate on that. But, depending on his response, you could say "well, if you aren't going to help, I wish you would have let me know." This way, you aren't exactly calling him out on not fulfilling his commitment, but you are expressing that this bothered you.

I think sometimes the way something is said can make all the difference. Please also see if a good IC won't help you let some of your frustrations out without causing a bomb to go off.

I hope this helps you in some way. I can't imagine how difficult it must be feeling judged constantly.


EDIT: I would also bring up the fact that you have the only income right now, and losing your job would be a real problem, so you would appreciate him assisting in making sure you can get to work. I think that is more than fair.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 12:32 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

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