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No Anger Phase?

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bookjunkie posted 12/26/2013 09:14 AM

My H has not hit an anger stage with me. He was rage filled with regards to the AP and obviously had many thoughts of violence against him. But after several months of anger about the AP, he finally turned it over to God and hasn't felt the overwhelming anger anymore.

But with regards to me, he hasn't shown me any anger. I have asked if he's mad at me and all he says is that he "isn't happy about it". He says he doesn't feel that it will do any good to get angry at me about it, that it will just do more damage to our relationship than good. He thinks that I'm just looking for punishment and maybe I am. But I worry that maybe he's not processing this but doing rugsweeping of his own.

What do y'all think? Have any of you had a BS that didn't have anger toward you and the fact that you had an A?

Aubrie posted 12/26/2013 10:16 AM

Anger? No.

Hurt, disappointment, and frustration? Yes.

How is your husband in every day life? Does he ever show anger? Ever?

After Dday, I expected this mind-blowing rage that everyone on SI speaks about. I expected QS to come home and scream at me for being a home-wrecking whore. I expected him to throw my stuff out on the yard. I expected him to shun me, kick me out on the couch, or even our home.

But those were kind of unrealistic expectations. Because even with all the crap that life has handed my husband (And trust me, he's had a lifetime of hurts) he has never been "angry". He has never, ever raged, yelled, or screamed. Ever.

My husband dealing with my affair "differently" didn't mean he was rugsweeping. He was still definitely holding me accountable. He still expected certain actions. He said that screaming at me and calling me names would not take the betrayal away. It wouldn't take his pain away. And he wanted to R. Saying and doing things in anger towards me would not help the rebuilding process. It would be more stuff to have to work thru in the long run.

BSs all process things differently. But please remember that different does not equal wrong. My husband was not wrong in his processing. He did what he felt was best for himself. kwim?

ascian posted 12/26/2013 10:24 AM

BS here and I thought I'd offer an opinion since you didn't have the stop sign up:

I didn't really go through an anger phase with my wife either. Or rather, I didn't go through a rage phase. I was angry, and "won" several arguments about the affair with my steering wheel kindly standing in for my wife, but much like your H I never felt that saying those hurtful things to my wife would get me what I wanted. So I used the anger as motivation to work towards the things i wanted, to drive me out of depression and anxiety, to help me face my triggers and destroy those instead of destroying anything valuable.

But then I have a very physical anger, so I learned fairly early on in my life that if I wanted to keep the things I loved that I needed to be able to channel my anger into productive things.

Kelany posted 12/26/2013 10:31 AM

BS here.

I did have an anger/rage phase. A few, they came in waves.

For me, I think I had them so much is because of the amount of lying and trickle truth my husband gave me in addition to a year of false R. Had he been truthful right out of the gate I may not have had as much rage and anger. Maybe that's why for your H? Were you honest from the start? Owning your actions? Fixing yourself right away?

Also, often a BS transfers anger towards the AP because we don't love or care about them. We don't have to reconcile with them. We don't share a life with them so it's easier to direct the vitriol towards them.

However, anger can hit any time out of nowhere, even months/years later. Be aware at your 1 year Dday antiversary he may struggle.

I think it's great you're talking to him and bringing it up.

bookjunkie posted 12/26/2013 11:26 AM

Aubrie - Thanks so much. H does get angry about things but also had a terrible temper as a child and young man and has learned to control it has he's gotten older. He's not one to hold back on his feelings when he is angry and he has said as much. He said if he was angry with me, he wouldn't hold back. Thanks for reminding me that different doesn't equal wrong.

ascian - H may have done the same as you, arguing with his steering wheel. I'm not really sure, but he has definitely been working on this by himself. He has only told a couple of people that we were "having some problems". I don't think he's told anyone what has really happened and that's the way he wants it.

Samantha - There was very little trickle truth although H didn't want many details about the affair. The only difference is that my AP was my H's best friend since grade school. He still wanted to kill him even though H thought of him as a brother. I feel so ashamed that I not only ruined our marriage but also a friendship that my H had longer than me.

ascian posted 12/26/2013 14:26 PM

ascian - H may have done the same as you, arguing with his steering wheel. I'm not really sure, but he has definitely been working on this by himself. He has only told a couple of people that we were "having some problems". I don't think he's told anyone what has really happened and that's the way he wants it.

That's pretty much where my wife and myself are. Infidelity is a very polarizing issue among our friends, and since her infidelity took place with one of our good friends we wanted to make sure that our marriage was on the way to healing before we invited anyone else into the process.

The good news is that we are healing, and we are communicating a lot better than before. Angers and frustrations (new ones) get brought up quickly rather than buried under "just get alongs" or martyrdoms, and that's been helping keep anger on my part from popping out at inappropriate times.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/26/2013 15:40 PM

BBF also had his anger phase. It happened a bit earlier than most. First he was hurt and crying, then screaming and yelling at me, and then projected his anger towards me onto OM.

Unfortunately, he did physically hurt me during his anger phase. Once I learned about a safety plan and threatened to enact on it once he pinned me down and threatened to "knock my pretty little teeth out", something seemed to have clicked. He let me go and admitted that he was using his anger as a mask when he just really didn't want me leaving.

I think that was when the anger phase ended. He has been able to express his anger a lot better (without hitting, yelling, or grabbing) and can express how he actually feels. I guess right now he's in the process of well, processing the pain. Going over it, and coming to terms with it.

Perhaps your BS is angry. Perhaps not. But maybe if he's angry, he can process the underlying emotion there and expresses that. Anger is often used to hide how we really feel sometimes.

pointofnoreturn posted 12/26/2013 15:42 PM

BBF also had his anger phase. It happened a bit earlier than most. First he was hurt and crying, then screaming and yelling at me, and then projected his anger towards me onto OM.

Unfortunately, he did physically hurt me during his anger phase. Once I learned about a safety plan and threatened to enact on it once he pinned me down and threatened to "knock my pretty little teeth out", something seemed to have clicked. He let me go and admitted that he was using his anger as a mask when he just really didn't want me leaving.

I think that was when the anger phase ended. He has been able to express his anger a lot better (without hitting, yelling, or grabbing) and can express how he actually feels. I guess right now he's in the process of well, processing the pain. Going over it, and coming to terms with it.

Perhaps your BS is angry. Perhaps not. But maybe if he's angry, he can process the underlying emotion there and expresses that. Anger is often used to hide how we really feel sometimes.

Sal1995 posted 12/26/2013 16:29 PM

I went through a volcanic anger phase. A few, actually. From what I've gathered it's more the norm than the exception. But I don't think the lack of one necessarily means your BH is rugsweeping. Refusing to talk about it and/or acting like everything is hunky dory before he could realisticly be healed from this would be rugsweeping IMO.

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