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R? "new" marriage with H

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Roxyme765 posted 12/26/2013 09:21 AM

i have been reading a lot on the site since i joined last week. i feel like it really hit home reading about the fact that your marriage will never be the same. of course it wont be the same! makes perfect sense! i have said to myself a million times, i am not the same person. i have told my WS - "you broke me and changed me! i am not who i was. i used to be known as the girl that was always fun and positive and got along with everyone. that is not who i am now. i am jaded and bitter and paranoid. YOU CHANGED ME!"
why could i so clearly see that i had been changed as a result of his behavior, but it was not so clear to me that our marriage could never be the same? it sounds so stupid to say that. i mean, i knew our marriage would never be the same. i havent even decided yet if i want to R. something i just finished reading on here though worded something along the lines of it being a new marriage, it's not the same...
if i am going to have to start a new marriage, a new relationship, everything is different... do i want it to be with my H?
i know the grass isnt always greener... he might have really changed... it might end up being wonderful years down the road...
but i am already on the fence trying to decide.. and now i just cant stop thinking to myself.. "if we are different people... and we have to start a new marriage as these different people... do i really want to start a new marriage with him??"

mchercheur posted 12/26/2013 09:39 AM

Yes, because now you would be starting a new marriage with a person you KNOW is capable of cheating on you.
He may be telling you that he will never do it again, but neither of you can prove or disprove that statement.
You have to weigh if you have enough love for him to balance out the risk of starting all over again with a known cheater.
Take as long as you need to make this decision.

This is the decision that all of us BSs have to make, & it is not an easy one.
You don't mention if there are children involved---many BSs try to R to keep the family together ( I did, & at this point it is going well)---but I would never have gone back with a cheater if there were no kids involved.
Good luck with this, & sending you strength

numb&dumb posted 12/26/2013 09:47 AM

I do you one better. I consider my R my second M. After Dday and some progress, I decided that it was time to start my second M. It has the same people in it, but it is a second M with the benefit of lessons learned in the first. I read about that somewhere (don't remember where) and how that mindset helps some BS move to a place where R is acceptable.

What is a M ? Any M ? Two different people coming together to share a life and work out their differences. Is that part really any different ? Are the changes on his side positive or negative ? Therein lies your answer. You can be D for the rest of your life if that is what you want, what is the harm in trying a "second M?" Start out like you are dating again. Ask that if your H wants you to heal it is important that puts effort into winning you over, just like he did when you were dating. It also helps solve the self image problem too. At the same time wok on validating yourself, so it is nice to have the "extra" validation, but is not required for your own happiness.

Your behavior has changed, but has your core values really changed that much ? Core values are harder to change than behavior. Behavior is something within your control. Events come into our lives that push our behavior one way or another. The trick is to stick to your core values.

I can see that my behavior has mostly come back to good old self. I am still happy, but I don't rely on validation from others anymore.

For example, I used to spend lots of money on work out clothes. Why ? It made me appear like I belong there and people often commented on my appearance. It made me feel good and more likely to chat with them. At the end of the day, do I really want to waste my precious time on this earth talking to people that are only concerned about what is on the surface ? The answer was/is no. Why do I care so much about what other people think, etc.

Try working through that for some time. Go to the store without makeup. Pay attention to how people react. Make sure to separate reactions to a change in behavior to people that know you. Explain to them (not about the A, but say it is a person improvement project ahead of the new year).

As far as the grass is greener thing, is it preferable to be with the devil you know or the devil you don't ?

Your H, if he is remorseful, has really motivation to make changes that you would like to see in a partner. Someone new may not be. Statistically they are just as likely to cheat, even more so if you consider that they may not have had the painful growth experiences and consequences your H has had. He almost lost his M once. Almost losing something makes you appreciate it it more. A powerful motivator.

Hold your H accountable, ask for what you need and negotiate what you NEED (versus want) in a new M. If you want a date night every week, go for it.

WhatsRight posted 12/26/2013 09:50 AM

Respectfully, I don't believe that anyone can change us. (And I tell myself this every day!)

I believe that events / circumstances can happen and we can choose to allow them to change us.

I pray every day that I can not allow my circumstances (which are sometimes out of my control) to determine who I am.

I wish you peace.

ProbableIceCream posted 12/26/2013 10:14 AM

You can't prove that anyone can or can't cheat on you. You can say hey, I know this man/woman has terrible boundaries so the risk is much higher, and maybe I don't want to deal with that risk...

There's always a very small risk, with I think anyone you're with, that you will be cheated on. However, this risk could be vanishingly small if he/she is a good person and you have a good relationship. We live with risk every day, anyway. We could get hit by a bus.

doggiediva posted 12/26/2013 10:16 AM

I R'd many years ago after D day #1..As the years went by, R was okay, not great..I didn't feel that our relationship was bad enough to justify divorce...

With that said, I felt like my feelings weren't respected..That was the overriding problem in our marriage from my point of view..I stood up for myself on the various issues, but over the years I developed a resentment..

Fast forward to D day # 2, and false R for 2 years, I am now looking at D.....I don't love my WH enough to R a second time and he is un remorseful...D for me means dividing 1/2 of what I worked a lifetime for..

I had planned on living off of my pension when I was too old or unhealthy to work.. My pension, if divided, would not be enough to live off of without coming out of retirement and going back to work..

Why do I tell this story?

IMHO if one takes the risk to R with his/ her WS, one MUST protect himself / herself first...

To be honest, ANYBODY who lives life with a partner must protect himself or herself


Strengthen outside friendships, strengthen self to a place of being comfortable living alone, being alone...

Learn what soothes and comforts/distracts you during the bad times..

Have the resources tucked away so you will be able to live well on your own when or if needed..

Do this for the rest of your life even while living within a marriage..

Being prepared to live well on your own can give you the peace of mind that you won't HAVE to stay in the marriage for any other reason than love and trust..


[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:34 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

ProbableIceCream posted 12/26/2013 17:40 PM

I used to have this idea of just losing myself in another person and being 100% vulnerable.

But.. you know, perhaps that leads to bad personal growth outcomes, too, and maybe that's not a healthy thing to do even if you COULD trust someone completely.

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