SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I know there are so many threads on S/D with folks asking for support during this time of year. I am lucky enough to spend Christmas day with my kiddo so I kind of feel crappy for posting a thread of my own.

I had an exceptionally hard time with XH this past weekend. Was basically accused of being an unfit mother. He was blowing up my phone via text saying I was incapable of taking care of our kiddo who got sick. In one of them stated the marriage was unbearable and didn't want to live the rest of his life in that kind of marriage. He also insulted me and my parents by calling us "abnormal" for being OK with living as such (my parents argue constantly and he therefore thinks my parents are miserable in their marriage).

So I basically spent the beginning of this week in a fog of pain. I barely made it through last night's party at a friend's house. The whole time I was worrying about XH taking custody away from me because he feels I can't take care of DD (we've been Ded for 3.5 yrs). Even DD was in a glum mood because she is recovering from the flu and had a hard time transitioning from XH's (she was there Christmas eve and morning).

Today I wanted to have her open the presents I had gotten her. I called my parents to tell them to come over. Apparently it was too early in the morning to call them. I got snapped at and was told, "What is the big deal? DD already had Christmas."

I am in the bathroom crying as I type this so kiddo doesn't see me. This has pretty much been the crappiest Christmas ever. I wish I could crawl into my bed and snuggle with my cats until next year rolls around. Unfortunately I have to keep up the Christmas spirit charade for my DD and the rest of my friends and family for the whole upcoming week. God forbid I should mess up anyone's holidays by being sad.

(((firstlovegone)))

Maybe 180 all those negative vampires in your life. And this is the kind of time that you have to act "as if". Act as if a day taking care of your sick DD, maybe opening a few gifts with just the two of you is your actual preference. Act as if you don't want your parents and their crappy attitudes coming by.

Your xWH is pushing your buttons to make himself feel better, to make himself look like a hero to someone, idk who. But the more you are teflon when he does that, regardless of how you feel inside, the less he'll try. I know you are fearful about custody inside, but don't let him or anyone see it. Let that fear out here if you need, but IRL be that strong person that you know you are.

(((FLG)))
First off, if you don't feel up to the holidays with relatives, then skip it this year.
If they don't understand, then that is their problem. I'm really surprised that your family hasn't been more supportive. Your family sounds selfish. I hope I'm wrong, but that's what they sound like.
As for your X, FTG, he doesn't deserve your concern or tears. You give him too much power over you. He cannot take custody unless you are an unfit mother, end of story. Again, FTG. He is probably just miserable and wants to have somebody to blame instead of looking in the mirror like a big boy. Misery loves company. So don't let his words fool you. He is probably missing you and the life you had together and is angry. Ignore him.
Find stuff for just you and your child to do that will make you and her happy. Shopping is great therapy. Especially since all the sales are going to be the next few days!
Hang in there!
Again (((FLG)))

^^^^ what cayc said

When I fist read your post, I was trying to think of what to say -- I knew what I wanted to communicate, but didn't know how to say it.

cayc said it perfectly!!!

[This message edited by ItHappened2Me2 at 9:46 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

((FLG)) Big hugs for you.

((((FLG)))) I'm sorry, honey.

Unfortunately I have to keep up the Christmas spirit charade for my DD and the rest of my friends and family for the whole upcoming week. God forbid I should mess up anyone's holidays by being sad.

Screw that noise. You don't HAVE to do anything except take care of yourself and your DD. Everything else? Can be put aside.

^ditto nik.

Screw that right now. Pack it all up, take your toys and go home. You are an adult and you do not have to put up with abusive behavior from anyone-- including your parents. What a shitty thing for them to say to you on Christmas!!

Christmas is whatever you want it to be. It can be a marathon of your favorite movies with DD, eating breakfast cereal in your jammies for dinner, or finding all the anti-christmas videos on youtube. Personally, I suggest watching the original "Dr. Seuss's How the Grinch Stole Christmas" while rooting for the Grinch.

Whatever you do, take care of you and DD. ((hugs))

This one took me a while, but I'm glad I have finally learned it. Repeat after me. I DON'T HAVE TO DEFEND MYSELF TO EX-POS.

He's looking for attention. And he's looking for your EMOTIONS. DO NOT give him your emotions, how you're feeling, how what he is saying and doing is making you feel.. You give him those, and he gets to feel like he still has control over you, over how you feel, and he gets to feel powerful if you respond with any emotion at all, like he still has the power to affect you and your mood.

You know what else you might do while defending yourself? You might ADMIT to something you did wrong, then try to justify why you did it or apologize for it, but then you still admitted you did something wrong. Best not to say anything at all, or keep it short and sweet, like, "I'm following doctor's orders," or "she got her medicine," etc..

I have worked very hard at perfecting my eye roll when he threatens me or bashes my parenting. If he has true concerns, then he can call CPS. I'm not listening to his bullcrap or taking the bait and emailing him all day to set him straight. You can only say something so many times before you just can't repeat yourself anymore. Man, did I repeat myself a lot. What a waste of my time and energy. I swear we had the same argument multiple times over email. No wonder people always recommend NC..

And I agree that was pretty crappy of your parents. Hopefully they didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Maybe they think you are feeling stronger than you really are, so they didn't realize how much you needed some love and family time this Christmas. And to add to the fun for DD by having more people around..

But seriously girl, don't let that ass scare you anymore. From personal experience, you can be REALLY fucking shitty and still not lose any custody. I called CPS on my STBX for multiple things (including medical things like not giving fever medicine, not putting doctor-recommended scar cream on the cut DS6 got right next to his eye, and absolute proof that STBX didn't give DS6 the every 4 hour albuterol treatments he was supposed to be having for more than three freaking days), but none of my concerns ended up mattering. I don't hear anything remotely close to you losing custody. I just hear a manipulative, abusive asshole trying to have power over you.

An abbreviation just isn't enough. FUCK THAT GUY!!!!

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 10:07 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

(((FLG)))

It is draining to "fake it" and it is draining to care for anyone with the flu, especially if it is your child.

Be kind to yourself. Don't try to DO Christmas, just enjoy the day and whatever is, IS.

(Please don't think I am good at taking that advice... but I think it is a good attitude to strive for!)

Thank you so much my wonderful SIers.

My parents ended up coming over later in the day. My mom did "apologize" in her own way. I have learned to take what I can get from her as she is never going to change.

We opened more gifts, went out for lunch, and then went to the local conservatory/gardens to see the holiday display.

Regarding XH - I majorly backslid over the weekend by engaging with him. I should have stayed on the NC wagon. I do let him hold power over me, which is so stupid of me. He is a total bully and intimidator. I need to get my resolve back! Your supporting words will help me to do so!