SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

whiteflower99 posted 12/26/2013 09:31 AM

Ok. Here are the facts:

1. WH was demoted as a result of his A with subordinate coworker
2. As a result his income has been cut significantly while he rebuilds his client list
3. He has a job offer in another state starting in the spring where his income will be double what it WAS before his demotion
4. We own no real property, our bank savings are gone to supplement his loss of income and repair my car

Her advice
Wait.
Wait until he moves to take the job so alimony and CS payments will be higher.
Wait since we owe no debt and own nothing the ONLY thing to negotiate is custody and visitation.
And since he will be out of state, it is all in my favor.
What do you think?

karmahappens posted 12/26/2013 09:39 AM

Does this make you comfortable?

Are you and the kids safe, emotionally, not just physically with him around if you wait?

Do you have to make the move with him then start the process or can you and the kids stay put?

Are you emotionally strong enough to know this is what you want and he won't be able to manipulate you in the next few months?

The money is a no brainer, I would wait.

But the other factors are important. Your emotional security and the kids well-being should come before money, IMO.

Be good to yourself, good luck.

Dreamboat posted 12/26/2013 09:50 AM

Waiting is a good plan with regards to money, assuming that he is currently still paying the household bills. If he is not then you will need to file and then ask for temp orders to obligate him to pay.

Courts generally look at the past 3 years of tax filing/W2 forms to determine income potential. This is because sometime people will quit their job in an effort to avoid paying CS or SS, so the court looks at their income history rather than just their current income. However, it would be better for you if he already has a better paying job.

The other thing to consider is visitation. If he lives out of state then he may be granted longer visitation periods during school breaks. If you are clever and lucky then you may be able to get language that he is responsible for all transportation since he is the one that moved, but don't count on that. If you file and are able to get a judgement before he moves then he will likely get more standard visitation and would have to go back to court to get it changed after he moves. I do not know how long the entire D process takes in your state, so he may have already moved before you get a D settlement so this issue may not change based upon when you file.

You also need to consider that if you file now, he may decide not to take the other job out of state.

Consider all of your options, but it does look like it is in your best interest to wait for him to take the new job and move.

In the mean time, get your ducks in a row. Find all of the pertinent financial information, including tax records, credit card statements, loan statements, mortgage or rent agreement, 401K and/or pension statements, back statements, etc. Also research the laws in your state AND the state where he will be moving (he may try to counter sue from the new state). Interview some L so when you are ready to retain one then you can do it immediately. Also start to squirrel away some cash -- when you go to the grocery store get $10-20 money back if you pay with debit card, or buy some gift cards from grocery store or Walmart, etc. Stash it somewhere safe so you can use it in the event that he stops paying bills.

Good luck!

Nature_Girl posted 12/26/2013 09:51 AM

If he moves, will you move? If you move, then you'll be in a new city with no friends, no family, no support system. And you'll be stuck there because every parenting/custody plan I've ever heard of prevents you from moving away.

If he moves and you don't move? Then you're stuck sending your kids far away for parenting time. Who is going to pay for that transportation? Will you be driving them back & forth? Putting them on a train or plane? How badly will that impact your life and the life of your children? And are you honestly comfortable having your children living with their daddy in another state, a daddy who, by your description, has serious problems with his sexuality?

If your WH gets a new job in the future, you can always petition for a change to the SS/CS. In fact, you can put it in the divorce decree.

whiteflower99 posted 12/26/2013 10:14 AM

He has had this plan since the demotion, and it may be his exit strategy.
He will move alone in the spring.
The children and I stay here to let them finish the school year and follow in the summer.
At the end of the summer, he and I will revisit the idea of separation.
That is HIS plan.
I am thinking mine should be to just not go at the end of the school year. My paperwork has been filled out since September, I just have to file it.
We worked out a separation agreement at that time, and the L:s advice it to use it as basis for D in Mar/Apr when he leaves. I doubt he will contest it.