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Mistakesmade posted 12/26/2013 11:09 AM

I'm new here, but here's my story. I have been married 17 years to the greatest guy on earth. However our marriage was in a slump, I was hurt and feeling regected. But I had accepted that. I was just going on taking care of our children as I always had. Then in May I started talking to a friend on Facebook. Before I knew it I had let things go too far and we were meeting. We had an affair from July to Oct. that's when I found out I had not been betrayed by my husband, and I wanted to break it off and fix my marriage. But the other man refused to let me go. He says he loves me and wants a life with me. He doesn't care how I feel or what I want, but as soon as I completely stop talking to him he's gonna tell my husband and family everything.
I'm so lost right now I just don't see a way out of this mess. My husband would probably forgive me in time but I don't think I could face him after hurting him this way. I should just leave but my job was cut to part time and there is no way I can support myself. I would be on the streets because I refuse to take anything from my husband and I refuse to go to the other man. I want my life back but I guess I've destroyed that. I just want out. Sorry this is so long, but I just had to clear my mind.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 12/26/2013 11:27 AM

Welcome to SI!

Look around in the healing library, top left corner, yellow box.

Of course there is a way out.

Confess to your husband, cut it off with OM and start doing the hard work of repairing yourself and your marriage.


Keep posting here, we can help if you let us

[This message edited by broevil at 11:27 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

hopingforhappy posted 12/26/2013 11:42 AM

You have taken the first step in your journey by posting here. I am a BS and I found out about my FWH's A when the OW came to my door, out of the blue, with piles of proof. If your OM says he will do that, you should believe it. Take my word for it when I say that it is the worst possible way to find out. The trauma is terrible and I suffered from PTSD as a result. If you care for your BH at all, please find the courage to tell him yourself. It will be very difficult, but it is the best way to start on the path to getting your life back. Others will come along with more advice for you, I just wanted to give you my experience on this issue. It will be a long, hard road but it is worth it. Good luck to you.

bionicgal posted 12/26/2013 11:48 AM

Mistakes-
I am afraid, like so many others, you wandered into one of the oldest stories in the book. I think you know that your husband deserves the truth, and really -- your marriage can't survive without it. I know it is the harder thing to do - maybe one of the hardest you've ever done, but you need to tell your H and try to rebuild your marriage if you can. The OM is operating on a bunch of jacked up brain chemicals from the infatuation, but will live without you - I promise. (And he "doesn't care how I feel or what I want. . . " - Ouch. He sounds like a real prince. )

There is lots of support and information here - keep coming back. Also, many people here recommend the book "Not Just Friends."

I wish you strength.

Mistakesmade posted 12/26/2013 14:19 PM

Yes I know I have to tell him, I just don't know how. I would rather die than hurt him like this, and I don't mean that as bad as it sounds. I'm not going to do anything stupid to myself. I just don't want him to hurt but I know he deserves the truth.
And yeah this OM really took me for a ride. He thinks he can make me love him. I'm not trying to play the victim here I know what I done was my choice and it was so wrong. I guess I thought I was a better person than that, but I fell for the OMs little lines hook line & sinker.

Mistakesmade posted 12/26/2013 14:19 PM

Yes I know I have to tell him, I just don't know how. I would rather die than hurt him like this, and I don't mean that as bad as it sounds. I'm not going to do anything stupid to myself. I just don't want him to hurt but I know he deserves the truth.
And yeah this OM really took me for a ride. He thinks he can make me love him. I'm not trying to play the victim here I know what I done was my choice and it was so wrong. I guess I thought I was a better person than that, but I fell for the OMs little lines hook line & sinker.

Mistakesmade posted 12/26/2013 14:19 PM

Yes I know I have to tell him, I just don't know how. I would rather die than hurt him like this, and I don't mean that as bad as it sounds. I'm not going to do anything stupid to myself. I just don't want him to hurt but I know he deserves the truth.
And yeah this OM really took me for a ride. He thinks he can make me love him. I'm not trying to play the victim here I know what I done was my choice and it was so wrong. I guess I thought I was a better person than that, but I fell for the OMs little lines hook line & sinker.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/26/2013 15:00 PM

There's never a good time or a good way to break this kind of news.

I should just leave

Do your BH the courtesy of letting him choose whether he wants to stay in the M. Don't leave because you think that'd be easier for him. Not your call.

Your AP is a psycho. (They all are, to some degree, and yes I include myself.) You might sit BH down and start by saying, "I made a horrible choice this summer, and now that I want to stop, I'm being threatened with blackmail." My advice is, don't use the word "mistake" when you confess, and don't talk about the M being in a slump. Do your best to avoid putting any of the blame for your A on your M or your BH. If you want to give a "why" then instead of saying "our M was in a slump" you say, "I recently realized that my whole life I've had low self esteem, and I wrongly convinced myself that you weren't paying enough attention to me. So I foolishly sought attention elsewhere."

Good luck. Be strong. There are recovered, still-married WSs on this board who had multiple affairs, years-long affairs, said horrible hurtful things to their BSs when the affair was discovered like, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." (So commonly uttered, it's an acronym. ILYBINILWY.) And, with months and years of hard work, they made it out the other end. You're going to confess armed with some knowledge of "what not to say" and you don't have the added problem of "getting over" the AP, because I get the impression you hate his guts. You can do this.

JustDesserts posted 12/27/2013 06:31 AM

Tell your BS immediately. That disarms the OW completely. NC the OM, and utilize wording you will pursue law enforcement and legal remedies if he does not pull back 100%.

I'm not sure about telling BH you're being blackmailed. If I was him and heard that I'd likely think "oh, that's the only reason she told me".

Tell your BH. Tell him you love him. Tell him you want to reconcile. Work on YOU. And accept the consequences and direction your relationship takes.

JD

mchercheur posted 12/27/2013 06:44 AM

No stop sign, so I hope it is OK if I post.

I found out about WH's A from looking at our phone bill.
As a BW, I can tell you that it would have made a HUGE difference to me if my WH had come to me & confessed on his own, rather than my catching him & confronting him. Our R would have gone much more quickly & smoothly.
What that action ( him coming to me & confessing to me) would have shown me is that he respected me & valued our M more than his relationship with OW.

When deciding what to do, think about what your actions are saying.
Good luck (((Mistakesmade)))

Brandon808 posted 12/27/2013 07:05 AM

We had an affair from July to Oct. that's when I found out I had not been betrayed by my husband, and I wanted to break it off and fix my marriage.
Does this mean you thought your BH had an A himself? If so then what made you think that?

rachelc posted 12/27/2013 07:32 AM

He says he loves me ...... but as soon as I completely stop talking to him he's gonna tell my husband and family everything.

that isn't love - it's blatant manipulation.
Tell your spouse, choose to live with integrity.

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