Look around in the healing library, top left corner, yellow box.
Of course there is a way out.
Confess to your husband, cut it off with OM and start doing the hard work of repairing yourself and your marriage.
Keep posting here, we can help if you let us
[This message edited by broevil at 11:27 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]
"Your secrets keep you sick"
There is lots of support and information here - keep coming back. Also, many people here recommend the book "Not Just Friends."
I wish you strength.
I should just leave
Do your BH the courtesy of letting him choose whether he wants to stay in the M. Don't leave because you think that'd be easier for him. Not your call.
Your AP is a psycho. (They all are, to some degree, and yes I include myself.) You might sit BH down and start by saying, "I made a horrible choice this summer, and now that I want to stop, I'm being threatened with blackmail." My advice is, don't use the word "mistake" when you confess, and don't talk about the M being in a slump. Do your best to avoid putting any of the blame for your A on your M or your BH. If you want to give a "why" then instead of saying "our M was in a slump" you say, "I recently realized that my whole life I've had low self esteem, and I wrongly convinced myself that you weren't paying enough attention to me. So I foolishly sought attention elsewhere."
Good luck. Be strong. There are recovered, still-married WSs on this board who had multiple affairs, years-long affairs, said horrible hurtful things to their BSs when the affair was discovered like, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." (So commonly uttered, it's an acronym. ILYBINILWY.) And, with months and years of hard work, they made it out the other end. You're going to confess armed with some knowledge of "what not to say" and you don't have the added problem of "getting over" the AP, because I get the impression you hate his guts. You can do this.
I'm not sure about telling BH you're being blackmailed. If I was him and heard that I'd likely think "oh, that's the only reason she told me".
Tell your BH. Tell him you love him. Tell him you want to reconcile. Work on YOU. And accept the consequences and direction your relationship takes.
I found out about WH's A from looking at our phone bill.
As a BW, I can tell you that it would have made a HUGE difference to me if my WH had come to me & confessed on his own, rather than my catching him & confronting him. Our R would have gone much more quickly & smoothly.
What that action ( him coming to me & confessing to me) would have shown me is that he respected me & valued our M more than his relationship with OW.
When deciding what to do, think about what your actions are saying.
Good luck (((Mistakesmade)))
We had an affair from July to Oct. that's when I found out I had not been betrayed by my husband, and I wanted to break it off and fix my marriage.
He says he loves me ...... but as soon as I completely stop talking to him he's gonna tell my husband and family everything.
that isn't love - it's blatant manipulation.
Tell your spouse, choose to live with integrity.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”