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Newest Member: Confused4 (61103)

User Topic: BS are you struggling with this
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has been perfect for almost a year but I still struggle with trust . She will say's that she stopped by the store and I'm fairly sure she did but I have force my self to trust her . But the biggest struggle I'm have is do I want to live with a wife that has slept with other men during our m . That question haunts me daily .

married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty

Posts: 228 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's only been 9 months since DD for me, but I struggle with this, too. I am gauging things by asking myself if things are better this month vs. last month, is he still doing X behavior, etc.

MC says I have to stop living in the past. Yes, past behavior was horrible, wrong, no excuse for what he did…but he's no longer doing that and I have to live in the present.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 932 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it's been about 1.5 years for me. Hubby took DD's car to fill up with gas on Christmas gas and was gone longer than usual. I panicked, wondering who he could be calling, etc... he said her tires were low and he had to put air in.
for me, I will always wonder. that's what this does to a person. Being I had two Ddays the trust in nigh impossible.
Some here will say it gets easier as time goes by and they do everything right.
good luck!

Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
♀ 41685
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also have a daily struggle with myself over this. I feel our relationship has been broken by him, will never be the same, and that I'm too good for this.he deserves the consequence of me leaving him and moving on and not looking back. HE did this, and this is what happens when you cheat. I haven't left yet and he is trying, but I feel what we had is ruined and can't ever be the same again. It's a daily struggle, with myself.

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO we ALL struggle with this.

Our foundations have been knocked completely away from beneath us. The only thing we know with certainty is that we can not trust our WS. We know they will lie to us. We know they will betray us. That is our new reality.

I still have these moments of wondering if WW is betraying me again. And my Dday was very long ago. This uncertainty does not go away. Ever. It does dull though. And it becomes manageable.

You are not alone with your feelings. We all have them. Even those that say they are confident. If their WS does something that reminds them of their behavior during their affair we trigger. And we wonder if we are being fooled again.

I would like to tell you that it will all go away. But IMO that would be a disservice. Because thats a unrealistic expectation.

I can tell you that you will learn to handle this feeling of uncertainty. You will get stronger. You will learn to trust YOURSELF. Even though you dont trust your WS. You will get through this and you will be fine.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 12:33 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is something we will always struggle with. If my husband speends too much time in the bathroom, is he masturbating? (He is SA). If he has too much phone data, is he looking at porn? If he is on Facebook, is he looking up his AP's?

For me, though the thoughts always come I try to look at actions. His changes. His love for me. I won't ever trust 100%again because iI know what he is capable of, but he's trying to earn as much as he can back.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 39906
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 1:15 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I go back and forth. I know I will never trust him when it comes to telling the truth about the OW or gambling. I think I trust him in every other area of our lives...I often wonder if I'm being naive for doing that. But when I really think about it, I have a fear that maybe I really don't know him at all. I just thought I did.

Posts: 1825 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I am in a fairly good place, but I still struggle at times.

but I have force my self to trust her .

No you don't have to force yourself to just trust. You could look at the receipt, bank statements, mileage in the care, etc.

I know that seems a little much, but each time she says she was going to do something and you can verify it, independently, it makes it easier to trust. It is a long process, but ultimately you can go back to "believing," what she is telling you.

Have you talked to her about this ? What was her reaction. My W was all too happy to provide me the means to verify. It avoided a lot of accusations being thrown her way and ultimately I stopped checking. In a weak moment I might, but not near as often as before.

Trust can be gone in an instant, but takes a long time to rebuild. There are a lot of useful analogies, if you google them. To help reinforce your point if you need to.

The second part is kind of broad. Any chance you can identify one aspect of it ? Maybe work on that ? Trying to tackle something that big as a whole can be overwhelming.

Me-40 her-40

DS 6, DD 12
Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.

Posts: 3276 | Registered: May 2010
♀ 39707
Member # 39707
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I absolutely struggle with this.
He can be the very best and so remorseful and look me in the eyes with very deep emotion while he tells me how sorry he is for everything that he has done.....and I just stare back at him and my mind is saying "He looked exactly like this when he was lying so, do not believe a single word coming out of his mouth".
I check phone records a LOT! My MC told me I need to stop because there has been nothing out of the ordinary in the last 6 months.
I still check though. I check for positive reasons (I think anyway).
I check, take note of certain numbers, then check his phone. I do that to see if the numbers on the bill are still in his phone. I look at texts because if I know there are some from some number and they are deleted from his phone, then he would be hiding something.
So far, every one is still there and they are all normal. That gives me peace and that is positive reinforcement. I need that.
He lets me know where he is pretty much constantly and I check the GPS on his phone to makes sure.
I have "insiders" that I can call and make sure he is where he says he is when we are not together. They are BS also and understand my need for this information.
Sometimes I look at myself and think I'm a crazy stalker. But, I don't care. I trusted him 1000% and got blindsided and knocked down to this level by HIM!
He is really trying to earn trust back. I don't know if that will ever happen.
I'm trying to have faith in the time thing. This was always a deal breaker for me in past relationships. I'm having a hard time deciding if it still is....
(((hugs))) to all going through this.

Me: BS
Him: doesn't matter anymore

D-day 14 June 2013

I'm smart, good looking and gosh darn it, people like me!

Posts: 330 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: trying to figure it out
♀ 36164
Member # 36164
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I struggle with this, some days more then others. I hate it! But time has helped. I still trigger when it takes him longer to get home from work, or if he takes his phone into the bathroom, or even if he goes for a run sometimes, it all depends on if I'm having more of a triggering day or a "normal" day. I will never fully trust him ever again though, and that's hard. A M is built on trust but they've taken that away from us.

BS-me 31, WH-31, M'd-10 years
DD 10, DS 7, DS 6.5
Dday 03/01/10 (our DD's bday)
A ended 08/31/10-09/02-10 (with multiple ddays in between).TT on 08/2012, 09/04/12, 11/16/2012, 01/2013, 6/25/2013 Says he wants R, but not proving it

Posts: 718 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Portland
♀ 16321
Member # 16321
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I seem to be freaking out more lately because he works in a newish job, and it's a kinda long drive from home. He should be out at a certain time, but it can vary if he has some work to finish or is stuck with a customer. He's also out right at rush hour, so sometimes he is home 40 min after he gets out...and sometimes it can take up to two hours...depending on if he's getting "gas" or at the "grocery store." I send him texts sometimes that say where are you? Which he responds to..sometimes.
I found an address written in a girl's writing and looked it up, it is fairly close to his I'm not sure if I should confront or if I am overreacting.
I struggle with trust all the time.

Me- BW 38
Him - WH 46 alcoholic
We are attempting R but I still doubt it all sometimes

Posts: 58 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: Texas
♂ 33642
Member # 33642
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 4 years into this, and while the sting lessens with time, there are days where it whacks you upside the head at random times, and it really sucks when that happens. I still don't trust her. You sort of assume an honest relationship, but when it's gone, it's not coming back. I don't convince myself of anything anymore. If I have any doubt, I'm definitely bringing it up and verifying the hell out of it. That's the new normal for me.

"It's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart."

Posts: 769 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Texas
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should be able to "trust but verify" everything. There's no reason for you to not have a way to check her whereabouts. Her actions are the reason you have this requirement. You aren't being controlling or clingy. You have been traumatized and are trying to protect yourself against further injury. Use a GPS location app on your respective cell phones and have her check in. They aren't foolproof, but they can be a useful tool in recovery. Each time she is where she's supposed to be, it builds trust, builds your own sense of security.

You won't need this forever, and you won't need to check as often as time goes on.

You will learn to trust YOURSELF

This is key. But it won't happen overnight. You have been burned. Time. And her consistent trustworthiness with heal this.

(Edited to fix the pronouns because I was dumb )

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 6:15 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 6203 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♀ 31397
Member # 31397
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are more than 2 years out from the final D-day. I still get that feeling of not trusting.

I think it's that before I trusted him 100%. I never dreamed he would have an affair. Now it's on my radar. I know it happened. So that (naive as it turned out) blind trust is gone. But it probably shouldn't have been there in the first place. My husband is capable of an affair. Now I know. But he always was!

My husband is totally accountable for his time and always reachable. I have access to all accounts and financial records. So that part helps me. But I still have that panic feeling sometimes.

I am committed to this marriage (assuming he doesn't go back) because of our kids. But something special is broken in it, something "just us" about our lives for lack of a better way to describe it, that I am sad about. It is different forever I think and that part stinks.

[This message edited by caland at 12:24 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Me (BS) and fWH, M 21 years
4 school aged kids
D-Day 2/22/11, lots of TT, D-day #2 and also came clean with it all 3/2011

Dday #3: 10/2011 I found out he had returned to the OW about 6 months into what I thought was R

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Illinois
♂ 37916
Member # 37916
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand how you feel. I struggle with trust constantly. All I can say is, live by the phrase "Trust but verify."

Dday: over a period of three days 11/14-16/2012.
EA/PA: ~ 2 1/2 years
EA/beginning PA: ~ 10 months
Hoped I'd never have to add this: Dday #2 11/22/2015 Not sure how far it went yet but have a pretty good idea.

2 Cor. 12:9-10

Posts: 978 | Registered: Dec 2012
♂ 37664
Member # 37664
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - 3 yrs out and a lot are still battling trust issue's . Majority say's trust but verify . I do ask for recites but when I ask it set her back . I do like the idea of a gps on her phone . Did you just tell your WS that you want to track them ?

married 28 yrs
Kid's -2
A- several
DD- 12-10-12
Starting recovery

"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty

Posts: 228 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Los Angeles
♀ 35004
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I resigned myself to the fact that I probably will never trust him completely again. I also struggle with my willingness to stay with a man who chose to cheat.

This turns your world and your beliefs on its ear. Nothing will be the same. It's a matter of being able to adjust to the new reality or opt out of it.

BS - 65
WH - 63
Married 37 years

D-Day 2/12/12
D-Day 6/1/16 Caught him back online early enough that no physical contact took place but still devastating. This sucks.

Posts: 1245 | Registered: Mar 2012
♂ 41706
Member # 41706
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the fact that I don't trust a thing she does. That I want to check to see what she has been doing. That I think she is up to something. I don't want to spend my time worrying about these things. I have more important things to worry about. But, I spend most of my time thinking these negative thoughts. I just don't want to be burned again so my guard is always up. That is one of the worst things about his...the lack of trust.

BS- 42
WS- 36
Married 16
Kids- 3
DDay 1/17/13

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: California
♀ 41792
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 4:46 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage DDay was exactly 1 month before yours...I also wonder about the same question. Sometimes, when I see him naked, I want to burst out into tears...why did he? How could he? Do I really want to go through this?

Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 12 Sept 2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.
Dday 2: 08 Nov 2014. There was more. Much more.

Posts: 74 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
♀ 41685
Member # 41685
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO, you're not trusting someone if you have to verify, trusting would mean that there is no reason to verify. Just sayin...

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Ohio
Topic Posts: 21
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