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lisaloo posted 12/26/2013 12:34 PM

STBXH picked DD up last night at the agreed upon time, and then texted today that he was going to KEEP HER UNTIL TUESDAY...that plans had changed and he wanted to take her to see his father's side of the family on the other side of the state. I told him NO, that he had agreed to bring her back tonight. That was the, DD didnt have what she needs for an extended trip. STBXH replied that he had packed for several days, so she did... I was like, so you LIED to me and this was PLANNED?? WTF?

I AM SO MAD. HE is not bringing her back until TUESDAY. This uses up the rest of Christmas vacation that I could have spent with DD. And I have no least not that I know of. I called my attny, but she hasnt called back.

WTF?? Can he just take her without me agreeing??

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/26/2013 12:38 PM

Do you have a parenting plan in place -- any temporary orders?

Phoenix1 posted 12/26/2013 12:40 PM

Do you have a parenting plan in place -- any temporary orders?

This^^^. If you don't have any legal orders in place, then yes, he can take her as he is her legal parent too.

[This message edited by Phoenix1 at 12:51 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Holly-Isis posted 12/26/2013 12:40 PM

I strongly urge you to get the adoption reversed or nullified or whatever can get done.

Meanwhile, pursue your lawyer and if she's not going to be a shark, get one that is. Something concerns me about how this man is possessive over your DD. He's basically a stepfather, and while I know the bond can be strong, but his actions just seem off. Not one of father and daughter, but of man and possession.

Also, document everything he's done to this point and from here on out.

pregnantandsad posted 12/26/2013 12:44 PM

I have no advice, but I am livid for you from reading this. I would be calling my attorney non-stop to see if anything can be done. I'm so sorry.

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/26/2013 12:47 PM

Lisa - I'm sorry, I forgot that he is your daughter's adoptive dad (under false pretenses).

Unfortunately, if there is no temp orders in place, then he is still her LEGAL dad and can do this.

But I'm with pregnantandsad and would encourage you to keep trying to contact your attorney.



painfulpast posted 12/26/2013 12:50 PM

Get in front of a judge on Monday and get a temporary order of relief and separation with a parental set up. Once you have that separation agreement, you can get him out of the house, and you can have very set visits.

What a complete asshole.

dmari posted 12/26/2013 13:06 PM

This is not ok. Ugh. The fact that he planned for this extended trip and didn't inform you about it until she was in his care is a HUGE red flag. If you have no recourse, then document what has transpired and STAY IN CONTACT with your DD.

I'm so sorry lisaloo.

Nature_Girl posted 12/26/2013 13:07 PM

Call a domestic violence hotline right now. Now. I know it's too soon for you to have temp orders in place, but in my mind this is parental kidnapping. Temp orders would NEVER grant him the right to take her away, out of state like this.

Failing that, put gas in the car and drive to whwerever he's taken her and get her back.

He is creepy. Like, the kind of creepy my ex is creepy.

PurpleRose posted 12/26/2013 13:08 PM

What a nightmare. I think I'd be in the car on my way to pick her up. I don't even know what to tell you...

Holly-Isis posted 12/26/2013 13:12 PM

He is creepy. Like, the kind of creepy my ex is creepy.

That's what I'm saying. Do what you can to cut all ties from this man.

lisaloo posted 12/26/2013 13:15 PM

All we have in place is the standard parenting clause...and since we're doing in house separation, I don't even pretend to know how that's supposed to work...

confused615 posted 12/26/2013 13:20 PM

Do exactly what NG said. Do it right NOW.

He lied. He kidnapped her. He may still be have NO reason to believe him..he may not plan on bringing her back.

Im so sorry. if you get her back, do NOT let him have her again..not until you've seen a judge.

Im so angry for you, Im shaking.

You need to make those calls...RIGHT NOW, honey.

(((((lisaloo and DD))))))

Nature_Girl posted 12/26/2013 13:21 PM

Well, I can tell you how it DOESN'T work. Taking your daughter away from you, across state lines, without and against your permission!

I have a feeling you're underreacting right now because of the abusive relationship you've had. I was the same way when I was still in the marriage and for a period of time after we separated. Sometimes people, particularly my IC, had to strongly kick me firmly in the seat of my pants to get me moving. They could see things that I only dimly saw. I was so accustomed to being powerless, helpless and accommodating.

Honey, take some action about this. Right now. Blow up your lawyer's phone with calls & texts. Call a DV hotline. Call your mom & dad and ask for their immediate help & support in getting your daughter back. Okay?

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/26/2013 13:25 PM

^^^^^ What Nature_Girl said.

Get on the phone NOW with attorney, parents, DV Helpline -- anybody and everybody!

lifestoshort posted 12/26/2013 13:55 PM

oh yeah, I would be in front of judge or at police station. what he agreed upon and whats happening is NOT ok

Nature_Girl posted 12/26/2013 14:14 PM

Thinking out loud of worst case scenarios: Here's what concerns me. Your attorney said NO to your request for an emergency hearing regarding custody. And now look at what's happened.

Has your attorney called you back yet?

I'm concerned that your STBX is going to go for an emergency hearing in whatever state he's taken your daughter to. He'll claim you're an unfit mother and the judge, who doesn't know you, will go along with it.

Has your attorney called you back yet?

waiting2see posted 12/26/2013 14:19 PM

This is a power play. He is testing you. He steps over the boundaries in a huge way and now he waits to see how you will react.

Show him that you will react. You will call the police and make a report even if they tell you that it isn't illegal. You will blow up your lawyer's phone. You will call his family and tell them that you are getting the police involved b/c he is violating your current agreement and you expect them to make DD available for your pick up.

Do not let this slide. Do not be frozen by fear into not reacting. You are setting the standard. You are showing him how this shit will go or not go, as the case may be.

If you sit by and allow him to get away with this without your doing your best to fight it, what will he try next time? Give him an inch and you know he will take the mile.

Get angry. She is your DD. Do not let him bully you.

lisaloo posted 12/26/2013 15:52 PM


I spoke to the cops, and because we have no actual orders in place yet, its a civil matter...

I spoke to my attny, and legally, he has every right to take her. There is nothing I can do about it. NOTHING.

On the bright side, my attny says that 1) since he is using the parenting clause to justify his trip, that he has unknowingly admitted that he is the noncustodial parent, which by default means that he has admitted that I am the custodial parent. 2) his deception regarding this trip will not look good for him in court, as he is setting a precedent of manipulating and lying, as opposed to trying to actually work with me. 3) Apparently his attny contacted her office on the 23rd and wants to discuss a settlement. My attny believes that once his attny got our response to his counterfile, that they realized they are not in the position to fight that they thought they were in...My attny does not think that joint custody is in the best interest of my daughter, and said that she will just state from the get go that if that is one of the terms, that we will not negotiate...

and finally...I found the adoption through them, and STBXH started the adoption process while we were separated the LAST time he did this shit. Apparently it is not common to do that? My attny wants the adoption papers asap...doesnt yet know what she can do with them, but she is going to start looking.

I know I have been ending a LOT of my posts with this lately, but still...
Divorce sucks.

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/26/2013 16:01 PM


I am soooo sorry that you can't do anything about this legally.

Please get anything you can to your attorney n the adoption. Dates of when the paperwork was filled out -- not just the final decree. I don't know everything involved with step-parent adoption, but did he have to fill out a social history form? Any visits with a Social Worker -- we had to do all that and more when we adopted and even the "quick" one took a couple of months before the birth and 6 months after placement to finalize. I know there are differences in a step-parent adoption -- but if you can show he started the process during a separation, then I don't think that bodes well for him.

Please ask your attorney to write up temporary paperwork -- that should cover you until you negotiate and settle on the permanent arrangements.

And get those negotiations going ASAP!!!!!

Have you spoken with your daughter at all? How is she handling being gone til Tuesday?

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