Tell me why this doesn't seem to be enough for me? I should be grateful (or whatever the appropriate word is) for this process we're going through together since he's so on board. I've read such sad stories on this site about spouses who do not want to examine why they did this and don't care about what the other spouse is going through. My H is not dismissive, he cries when he sees me in this kind of intense pain, he says that this is something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life--knowing he was capable of such betrayal, hurt and pain--but that he seems my desire to reconcile as a gift that he will never take for granted. He stays up with me all hours of the day and night to make sure I know he's there for me and he keeps saying that brighter days are out there. I just can't seem to take the little positives and stick with it.
Our therapist says that I really need to start focusing on the future because the past cannot be undone. Not that he wants me to forgive and/or forget, but I think I'm so fixated on the past that I can't even allow myself to imagine a brighter future. The therapist says there is no old relationship to mend. There is an opportunity to start a new one, a better one, a more communicative and intimate one, one that we really didn't have pre the A. I want to start being happy. I want to muster a real smile for once. But I also miss the old me, the me that didn't know about all this. And I guess that's partly why I am still living in the past and trying to make sense out of the past.
Grateful? No, you shouldn't be grateful because grateful is not appropriate when your world has been shattered and your heart broken. Maybe you could feel a little glad that he's trying, that he loves you, that he isn't inflicting even more pain on top of what you already have. But grateful is too giddy an emotion.
I think it's great that your H is doing everything right. I'm sure that will go a long way toward R. It doesn't mean you aren't going to hurt. If you broke your leg and your doctor did everything right, it would still hurt. Just because you got a cast doesn't mean there isn't a lot of time necessary for the pain to go away (best analogy I could find).
I also seriously question a therapist who wants to move a patient forward without fully dealing with the past and what brought you to this point. I'm sorry but wading through the baggage of the past is important in order to leave it behind. Moving forward too fast leaves too many loose ends in the rug you're trying to sweep everything under. I sense that your therapist isn't familiar with Recovering from infidelity or else he's been a WH himself. It takes years to recover from this. You may want to look into finding a therapist who specializes in infidelity and one who isn't going to gloss over your pain.
Tell me why this doesn't seem to be enough for me?
I recommend you spend some time thinking about what YOU want out of life. After Dday many BS's myself included focus to much on trying to fix the M, or what we did or didn't do in the M instead of taking a step back to figure out what they actually want. We invested so much of ourselves into the M that we sometimes get lost. That's why people recommend the 180 so you can take a step back focus on you and make rationale decisions when you are ready. My suggestion is take some time to focus on you. Go on some trips with your girlfriends, go start a new hobby, something that interests you and allows you to spend some time truly thinking about what you want out of life and whether you in fact do want to remain in the M. You don't have to make any decisions now. If your WH wants to continue to go to counseling fine let him go but you take some time to figure out what you want out of the M and life now.
it won't be. for years. Years of him acting remorseful... the advice of working on yourself is great, for so many reasons including passing the time in a way so that not only are you healing and better, but to pass the time while he's working on himself, being the husband you need him to be, and it will take time for you to feel safe with this.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
If your MC is saying that should be your focus, now, I would be looking for a new MC. You could ask your IC if he/she can recommend someone in the area that specializes in couples that have been affected by infidelity.