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Should I be grateful?

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ziganska posted 12/26/2013 12:49 PM

My H is extremely remorseful. He is (seemingly) telling me everything, even the gory details. In fact, I know he has to be telling me the truth in some instances because they're really despicable bits of information so I can't imagine that he's lying about that. He is in therapy with me 4 times a week starting the day he told me (well, I confronted him with information that led him to telling me the truth). He's taken days off from work to instead stay with me at home since I couldn't bring myself to going to work. He holds me, kisses me, talks to me about everything under the sun, and cries through it all. He said that he will never be that person again and he's reminded by what he's done every time he looks at me and realizes all that he gave up for a few adrenaline and risk filled nights. He apologizes profusely for ruining Christmas and all that goes with these holidays. He apologized to my family and thanked my brother, through tears, for being there to support me and hopes to mend those relationships. He's gotten rid of his own credit cards and is changing his cell phone #. He has called the OW in my presence and while his call didn't have the angry tone I wanted (like drop dead you slut), he did say that if he's to move forward with me, all communication has to cease. And again, he is so remorseful that he pounds the bed in anger at how profoundly stupid and evil he was for that year and vows to make the rest of his life, or for as long as I can stand him, a life that I deserve, with a husband that I can respect and truly love.

Tell me why this doesn't seem to be enough for me? I should be grateful (or whatever the appropriate word is) for this process we're going through together since he's so on board. I've read such sad stories on this site about spouses who do not want to examine why they did this and don't care about what the other spouse is going through. My H is not dismissive, he cries when he sees me in this kind of intense pain, he says that this is something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life--knowing he was capable of such betrayal, hurt and pain--but that he seems my desire to reconcile as a gift that he will never take for granted. He stays up with me all hours of the day and night to make sure I know he's there for me and he keeps saying that brighter days are out there. I just can't seem to take the little positives and stick with it.

Our therapist says that I really need to start focusing on the future because the past cannot be undone. Not that he wants me to forgive and/or forget, but I think I'm so fixated on the past that I can't even allow myself to imagine a brighter future. The therapist says there is no old relationship to mend. There is an opportunity to start a new one, a better one, a more communicative and intimate one, one that we really didn't have pre the A. I want to start being happy. I want to muster a real smile for once. But I also miss the old me, the me that didn't know about all this. And I guess that's partly why I am still living in the past and trying to make sense out of the past.

hardtimesinlife posted 12/26/2013 13:40 PM

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Grateful? No, you shouldn't be grateful because grateful is not appropriate when your world has been shattered and your heart broken. Maybe you could feel a little glad that he's trying, that he loves you, that he isn't inflicting even more pain on top of what you already have. But grateful is too giddy an emotion.

I think it's great that your H is doing everything right. I'm sure that will go a long way toward R. It doesn't mean you aren't going to hurt. If you broke your leg and your doctor did everything right, it would still hurt. Just because you got a cast doesn't mean there isn't a lot of time necessary for the pain to go away (best analogy I could find).

I also seriously question a therapist who wants to move a patient forward without fully dealing with the past and what brought you to this point. I'm sorry but wading through the baggage of the past is important in order to leave it behind. Moving forward too fast leaves too many loose ends in the rug you're trying to sweep everything under. I sense that your therapist isn't familiar with Recovering from infidelity or else he's been a WH himself. It takes years to recover from this. You may want to look into finding a therapist who specializes in infidelity and one who isn't going to gloss over your pain.

TrustGone posted 12/26/2013 13:57 PM

No. You should not be greatful for the way he is acting now. This is how he should have been acting all along. Even though he is trying to help you heal from his infidelity, it doesn't make it just go away. This process takes years of him proving he can be trusted again with your heart. No, he can't undo the past, but your therapist does not have the right to tell you how to feel now. You were betrayed by the person who was supposed to love and protect you and that hurts for a lifetime. I hope he continues to be there for you and that eventually you both can rebuild a stronger and happier life together.

7yrsflushed posted 12/26/2013 14:27 PM

Tell me why this doesn't seem to be enough for me?
Because whether your WS is remorseful or unremorseful, sometimes the A is just a dealbreaker for the BS. It hasn't even been a month since your Dday and your MC is telling you to look to the future. Your therapist may not have much experience dealing with infidelity and don't allow him/her to push you faster than you are ready to go. It's likely still way to early for you to be looking to the future. Many BS's are still very much in the shock stage in the first month even if their spouses turn into model remorseful WS's after Dday. You still have to process everything that has happened. So you take as much time as you need to do it. You control your healing, not your therapist and not your WH. Believe me you will KNOW when it's time to start thinking about the future whether it's with your WH or by yourself.

I recommend you spend some time thinking about what YOU want out of life. After Dday many BS's myself included focus to much on trying to fix the M, or what we did or didn't do in the M instead of taking a step back to figure out what they actually want. We invested so much of ourselves into the M that we sometimes get lost. That's why people recommend the 180 so you can take a step back focus on you and make rationale decisions when you are ready. My suggestion is take some time to focus on you. Go on some trips with your girlfriends, go start a new hobby, something that interests you and allows you to spend some time truly thinking about what you want out of life and whether you in fact do want to remain in the M. You don't have to make any decisions now. If your WH wants to continue to go to counseling fine let him go but you take some time to figure out what you want out of the M and life now.

rachelc posted 12/26/2013 14:36 PM

Tell me why this doesn't seem to be enough for me?

it won't be. for years. Years of him acting remorseful... the advice of working on yourself is great, for so many reasons including passing the time in a way so that not only are you healing and better, but to pass the time while he's working on himself, being the husband you need him to be, and it will take time for you to feel safe with this.

painfulpast posted 12/26/2013 16:01 PM

It's less than a month since DDay. The generally accepted time frame for recovery is 2 to 5 years. YEARS. Less than a month isn't enough time to fully grasp what's happened, let alone be looking forward to your bright future.

If your MC is saying that should be your focus, now, I would be looking for a new MC. You could ask your IC if he/she can recommend someone in the area that specializes in couples that have been affected by infidelity.

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