My H is extremely remorseful. He is (seemingly) telling me everything, even the gory details. In fact, I know he has to be telling me the truth in some instances because they're really despicable bits of information so I can't imagine that he's lying about that. He is in therapy with me 4 times a week starting the day he told me (well, I confronted him with information that led him to telling me the truth). He's taken days off from work to instead stay with me at home since I couldn't bring myself to going to work. He holds me, kisses me, talks to me about everything under the sun, and cries through it all. He said that he will never be that person again and he's reminded by what he's done every time he looks at me and realizes all that he gave up for a few adrenaline and risk filled nights. He apologizes profusely for ruining Christmas and all that goes with these holidays. He apologized to my family and thanked my brother, through tears, for being there to support me and hopes to mend those relationships. He's gotten rid of his own credit cards and is changing his cell phone #. He has called the OW in my presence and while his call didn't have the angry tone I wanted (like drop dead you slut), he did say that if he's to move forward with me, all communication has to cease. And again, he is so remorseful that he pounds the bed in anger at how profoundly stupid and evil he was for that year and vows to make the rest of his life, or for as long as I can stand him, a life that I deserve, with a husband that I can respect and truly love.
Tell me why this doesn't seem to be enough for me? I should be grateful (or whatever the appropriate word is) for this process we're going through together since he's so on board. I've read such sad stories on this site about spouses who do not want to examine why they did this and don't care about what the other spouse is going through. My H is not dismissive, he cries when he sees me in this kind of intense pain, he says that this is something he'll have to live with for the rest of his life--knowing he was capable of such betrayal, hurt and pain--but that he seems my desire to reconcile as a gift that he will never take for granted. He stays up with me all hours of the day and night to make sure I know he's there for me and he keeps saying that brighter days are out there. I just can't seem to take the little positives and stick with it.
Our therapist says that I really need to start focusing on the future because the past cannot be undone. Not that he wants me to forgive and/or forget, but I think I'm so fixated on the past that I can't even allow myself to imagine a brighter future. The therapist says there is no old relationship to mend. There is an opportunity to start a new one, a better one, a more communicative and intimate one, one that we really didn't have pre the A. I want to start being happy. I want to muster a real smile for once. But I also miss the old me, the me that didn't know about all this. And I guess that's partly why I am still living in the past and trying to make sense out of the past.