I understand that these things are consequences.
I feel your pain. We are in the same limbo world. You are in so much the same situation as I am. It's like I put words in your lips, so to speak. My BH treats me like I am no one; constantly berating me and ever so mad. I have more down days than up ones.
I do everything to show how remorseful I am; I tell him I'm sorry everytime I remember the A. But it seems nothings works for him. I also get so scared of him because he can explode in anger anytime. Sometimes I feel like getting away because I feel I am losing myself and my dignity. But just like you, I still stay.
Hang in there cissie.. you are not alone. I am here
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
Manic depressive used to describe people who had mood swings. He can be really positive at times. For instance, he suggests we meet up with old friends, when he normally has no time to be sociable. Then something goes wrong. I arranged to meet with some friends that he suggested we should see. He got really stressed and was furious about it, but it was too late to change without it looking really bad.
The last thing I can ever do is suggest there is something wrong with his mental health. I accused him of being obsessively jealous about my past boyfriends early in our marriage, and he has never forgiven me for that. If I bring up the past he says he doesn't care. If I don't bring up the past he says I am not doing enough.
If he cannot give me any more than we have now, and I have agreed to that, I do not feel that there is a lot of point in going round and round in circles. There is nothing to look forward to. No change, no possibility of a different result. And he has said there is not. He wants me to say that I was an evil person. I agree that I did cruel and evil things and I behaved abominably. But must I have been evil? If so what hope would there be for me?
He plays the gotcha game with everyone. He comes over as being ultra-generous, but then complains that people are taking advantage of him. He does it with me, and I try not to ask anything of him, but when it comes to doing family things at Christmas, I cannot do them without asking for his participation and then I pay for it.
I thought by now that we could have reached some balance.
I am beginning to realise that what he says he wants, is confused. He will not give me anything more, but he expects things to improve. I cannot change anything but myself. I have made many changes but it will never be enough for him to accept me.
I am not going to revert to what I was, I am continuing the work on myself. Sometimes though, I feel that he even resents that.
Your A did not bring this upon you. Your husband's outright refusal to heal is the cause of this. I'm sure you're going to hear from some who believe otherwise, and that's their right. I, on the other hand, call bullshit. He enjoys doing this to you. Even if he can't or won't admit it, he gets some reward from abusing you. Only he knows what that may be and we all know there ain't no way in hell you could even fix your mouth to say something. He will make you rue the day you even felt it was okay to even THINK he may need help.
I am continuing the work on myself. Sometimes though, I feel that he even resents that.
He can't let you go because he still is hoping that the past will change.
oh, maybe you should 'out' yourself. Folks say often that you are only as sick as your secrets. Dispense with that stress.
[This message edited by MC_Jack at 10:31 PM, December 30th (Monday)]
Your A did not bring this upon you. Your husband's outright refusal to heal is the cause of this.
Seeing as how the second would not have even been necessary without the first, these two sentences seem to be contradictory.
maybe you should 'out' yourself. Folks say often that you are only as sick as your secrets. Dispense with that stress.
Very excellent idea. Seriously. It completely drains the "monster" of its power. At least that's what we've found.
I understand the negative comments. I know this should have been a deal breaker for my BH. He has tried very hard but he has told me that he does not love me. No sex ever. I can ask for no more. As I write that it makes me incredibly sad, as that is not only my life, it is his. It is his choice because he cannot do anything else. That is the way he is wired.
As for outing myself, I have thought of it. He has said to me that he thinks I want to do that and wreck the family he has tried so hard to shield from this. Doing so would only confirm to him that I am an evil person who takes pleasure in destruction. Only he can make that decision.
I know this all sounds really sick, and it is. I never imagined that something totaling in hours, about half a day, would create such wreckage.
Yes he has had things to put up with from me, but unfortunately as in Shakespeare, the good that we do is oft buried with our bones and the evil lives on.
I have been a good mother. Our children are all healthy and have successful marriages and careers. That was me 80% of the day to day, but he has also been a good role model for them.
I have supported him in his career. I have moved house more than 10 times and left friends and family many times. I have kept things running when he has been away for months at a time, with no infidelity involved.
I have cared for him when he was seriously ill. After that, he said he loved me, but when he was well he said he didn't really mean it. It wasn't even a "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. He does not love me at all.
So what do I do?. Prove that I am as evil as he wants to believe. Make every Christmas and family event awkward and miserable? He has FOO issues that make him tense at social events already.
He has one solution to everything and that is work. He is almost guilty if he relaxes, and he thinks everyone else should be the same. I work pretty hard, but I do need to stop sometimes.
So you see I created this exquisitely tangled web of lies and deceit, from which there seems to be no exit except death. We are old and I probably have maybe 10 years left. He may have more as he is healthier than I. Even in this, I am not allowed to die first, because then he would have no-one to take care of him. How sad.
Cissie, are you resigned to staying no matter what? You do have a choice, you know. You deserve to be happy.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're both going through.
It is counterintuitive really... the less we defend our well-being, the more well we feel. ~ Nancy Colier
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
I too am a BS, not very far out from D-day. But it hurts me terribly too when I see WH in pain from his own actions.
We have a long way to go towards reconciliation, but hopefully it will become easier for both of us.
As I have stated on my initial reply to your thread, it's like I'm putting words into your lips because I am in a very much similar situation as yours.
I have gained so much wisdom from senraba02 and inshockandhurt. I am seriously thinking of shaking off all the web of abuse off my shoulder and try moving on and finding myself some life. It may be scary and dark out there but I already feel so entraped in the stinky pit I am in now. Without any help from my BH
God bless you cissie; God bless SI; God bless us