Sorry to have left this without replying. We have had a lot of family events and I have not had time to frame a reply.
Thank you for the positive responses. I do Ok for a while but then the roller coaster starts up again.
I understand the negative comments. I know this should have been a deal breaker for my BH. He has tried very hard but he has told me that he does not love me. No sex ever. I can ask for no more. As I write that it makes me incredibly sad, as that is not only my life, it is his. It is his choice because he cannot do anything else. That is the way he is wired.
As for outing myself, I have thought of it. He has said to me that he thinks I want to do that and wreck the family he has tried so hard to shield from this. Doing so would only confirm to him that I am an evil person who takes pleasure in destruction. Only he can make that decision.
I know this all sounds really sick, and it is. I never imagined that something totaling in hours, about half a day, would create such wreckage.
Yes he has had things to put up with from me, but unfortunately as in Shakespeare, the good that we do is oft buried with our bones and the evil lives on.
I have been a good mother. Our children are all healthy and have successful marriages and careers. That was me 80% of the day to day, but he has also been a good role model for them.
I have supported him in his career. I have moved house more than 10 times and left friends and family many times. I have kept things running when he has been away for months at a time, with no infidelity involved.
I have cared for him when he was seriously ill. After that, he said he loved me, but when he was well he said he didn't really mean it. It wasn't even a "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. He does not love me at all.
So what do I do?. Prove that I am as evil as he wants to believe. Make every Christmas and family event awkward and miserable? He has FOO issues that make him tense at social events already.
He has one solution to everything and that is work. He is almost guilty if he relaxes, and he thinks everyone else should be the same. I work pretty hard, but I do need to stop sometimes.
So you see I created this exquisitely tangled web of lies and deceit, from which there seems to be no exit except death. We are old and I probably have maybe 10 years left. He may have more as he is healthier than I. Even in this, I am not allowed to die first, because then he would have no-one to take care of him. How sad.