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New and slowly dying inside

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Kg74 posted 12/26/2013 14:26 PM

Hi. I'm glad to have found this place where people understand this horrible place I find myself in.

My wh asked for a divorce on the 12th and again on the 14th (my birthday). By Monday I had chased him down to a house where he admitted to having an affair. No details other than he met her at the store and it started a few weeks ago. He said he wouldn't go there with me. He moved to his dads that night. Returned to get stuff from his garage for a couple days after that.

We have outside wood burner so he comes twice a day to fill that. Has seen the kids and came over Christmas morning per their request. I have sobbed and begged him to stay before I found out about the affai but have been 180 him since I found this sight.

I am struggling. We have financial issues that won't allow us to keep the house so the kids and I will have to find a rental. I've been told to stay here until the foreclosure to save up money.

I hope for R like a dummy. I just want him to at least plead to come home. Anyone have a similar situation or food for thought. I feel beyond grief right now.

Thank you for listening.

sudra posted 12/26/2013 14:36 PM

Welcome. I'm sorry you had to find us but you will find lots of support here.

First, take a breath. This is HARD. Try to rest, eat and drink water when you can. You will certainly need strength to deal with this and your children.

Second, know that this is NOT YOUR FAULT. People have affair (A) because of their own issues, not because their spouse is not good enough.

Third, read around the website, there's lots of help to be found. On the upper right of your screen there is a yellow box. Click on "The Healing Library" for some great reading.

Fourth, find someone you trust to confide in. You need some support right now.

What you are going to do now is take care of yourself and your children. Ask for help with the kids if you need it. Again, remember to drink water and try to eat. It's not unusual for new BSs to lose tons of weight from the stress of infidelity. Nothing hurts like the betrayal of infidelity. NOTHING.

Others will be posting advice as well. Post often if you need to talk.

Take care.

7yrsflushed posted 12/26/2013 14:43 PM

Sorry you are here KG74. Please no none of this is your fault and even though you may not believe it, things WILL get better and this pain doesn't last forever. Please make sure you stay hydrated, eat when you can, and focus on you and your kids. Also if you haven't please make an appointment to get tested for STD's. If you haven't check out the healing library there is a ton of information in there that can help you. The link is in the yellow box on the left.

I hope for R like a dummy
You are NOT a dummy for loving your husband and hoping he will wake up. You made vows that you expected him to keep and he didn't. It's okay to mourn the loss of your M and the life you knew but please know that you can't control your WH and you can't beg, plead, or manipulate him back to you. You can only control your actions.

Your WH is showing you exactly who he is right now. He has asked you for a Divorce and left. You have kids so please protect yourself now by going to see a L for a consultation figuring out what your rights are in your state. Keep posting it helps.

painfulpast posted 12/26/2013 15:15 PM

I'm so sorry. What a horribly painful thing to be dealing with.


Please don't assume you will lose the house. His name is on it, and he is still responsible for that, and his children. He cannot just walk away and leave you with whatever you have to take care of everything.

I know you want him back, but right now you need to see an attorney. You need to get some child support in place, get legal custody of your kids (yes, right now he can take them anywhere if he wants), and find out what your rights are, and what you should do. Again, if he changes his mind and wants to come home, you can pull the plug on all of this. Until then, you need to protect you and your children.

If you have joint bank accounts, go take half of the money out, now, and put it in an account in your name only. If you have direct deposit at work, have your pay moved to the account that is only in your name. Do NOT assume he won't wipe you out. It happens, a lot. You always thought he wouldn't cheat, or leave. He has done both. Please don't make the mistake of thinking he won't do other things if those things are in his best interest. Right now he is all about him - completely selfish. So please, protect yourself.

Skan posted 12/27/2013 10:21 AM

As hard as this is, it's going to be harder if you allow him to continue to think that you're going to wait for him and be his backup plan. He has the best of two worlds right now. He has his exciting new lay who doesn't put any pressure on him but offers him COMPETE understanding and a fantasy world, and he has his faithful wife, taking care of the kids, doing all of the scut work, and waiting for him to come home because he deigns to throw a few crumbs her way.

It may sound counter-intuitive, but you have to take yourself out of that dynamic. He either comes back and commits fully to the marriage, or you file for divorce and stop being his backup plan. You cannot love him back. It doesn't work. All you do is expose your neediness to him and as long as he knows that you need him more than he needs you, you are the one that is going to be walked all over. See a lawyer, file, have him served for child and spousal support, and get sole use of the house for however long you have it. Put him right back into the reality of the situation that he is now going to be single with hefty payments that will continue for years. You need to take back your strength.

I'm so sorry. This isn't fair, at all. Please keep coming back for support. We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

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