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StillLivin posted 12/26/2013 14:49 PM

I was talking to a friend this morning.
Told him I had been reflecting on why I ended up with a cheater. The two previous relationships, though short lived, had also been with cheaters.
And then I had the epiphany. The two relationships prior, their selfishness wasn't hidden, secret, well decorated. They both started acting selfish immediately, and over the top. Had to cut those two numbnuts loose with a quickness.
My STBXH faked the funk. There were little signs/incidents, but they were few, minor, and far between. He really set out to impress and win me.
Who I dated and who he really was were NOT the same man. Maybe it was one facet of who he tried to be, but it wasn't the whole picture.
He tricked me and I'm so pissed.
Damn, I saw those little signs, but he was so selfless and amazing. What a POS conman.
So, now I'm sitting here wondering, were the WSs obviously selfish and entitled from the jump, did they become that way, or did they change?

cl131716 posted 12/26/2013 14:57 PM

I fell for the con too I am afraid. There were red flags all over but I was so in love I didn't see them. My WH is a charmer, big time. Even since D-day he had me convinced he couldn't possibly be that "guy". But the facts prove he is that guy. He always has been, considering even during the honeymoon period of our relationship he was in a sense unfaithful. He acted all about me and even seem concerned I may be interested in other people all while telling another woman he was attracted to her and if they were ever both single they should give it a shot. He has a selfish entitled pattern. It is who he is but he wears a mask to hook people in. I think most people that are that way have always been that way, some are just better at hiding it. It's a learned behavior so I don't believe people change into that unless they are maybe jaded a few too many times.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 2:59 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 12/26/2013 15:07 PM

My FWH was selfish, but so was I. We both were young, single, wild and had lots of fun, that was our agenda. When we got married, we didn't plan on having children right away. Got pregnant on our wedding night.

Once I realized I was pregnant, I changed. I was responsible for someone else's life and well being, it wasn't all about me all the time anymore. FWH didn't change. He was selfish still. He would leave me and our daughter all alone all weekend and he would be out with his buddies carousing. He worked hard all week (he did) so he was entitled. I bought into this. His selfishness grew and grew.

I let him become the selfish, entitled prick that he turned out to be. Plus, his role model father was one of the most entitled, selfish person's around who cheated on my MIL. He really didn't have a clue that is not how real men should be.

He has changed. He is no longer selfish. He thinks about me all the time. He thinks about my needs, how he can help me, how he can be there for me.


1owner posted 12/26/2013 15:33 PM

Looking back, I can see the sense of entitlement, but back then, I couldn't see it or maybe just didn't want to. I don't know. We were both young, I should have seen the signs, but I was too in love to see any faults. That was 18 years ago. As time went on, her entitlement and selfishness got worse, FOO issues presented themselves with a vengeance, and here we are.

StillLivin posted 12/26/2013 16:15 PM

It was a stupid selfish sign.
He didn't like to watch "my" movies on designated movie nights. I didn't mind watching his stupid cartoon movies (Afro samurai among one of them). But if it was my night to pick a movie, he would crack jokes, and try and charm me into giving up my night. He wouldn't be a jerk, but he wouldn't give the movie his undivided for the first 20 minutes (passive aggressive). I usually picked good movies and he almost always ended up changing his mind and liking the movie by the time it was over.
There were other minor signs of selfishness, but he was so casual and charming about everything, and he wasn't a sore loser when he didn't get his way.
At least that was what I thought. Dontcha know that was one of the things I was so "controlling" in, how I wouldn't give up movie night when it was MY turn to pick a movie. Have him tell it, I ALWAYS had to have my way and it wasn't 50/50.
Whatever freak.

Virginiagirl posted 12/26/2013 17:57 PM

My WH is also selfish, controlling. One of the silver linings of being separated for a while is that it opened my eyes to how much I had lived every minute of my life trying to meet his expectations. So now, I look forward to the future where I will no longer sit back, roll over, & be manipulated by him. Divorced or together- I won't go back to that!! Hoo-rah!

justjim posted 12/26/2013 18:04 PM

Strangely enough, I was having a conversation similar to this with my daughter yesterday.

We were discussing the Hell Bitch and her rewriting of our marital history. My daughter told me that she knew there was a problem years ago. Said that she noticed that her stepmom's Facebook page had no pictures or references to me whatsoever. Most of her photos were selfies. She referred to "My house", "My yard", "My garden" when she posted pictures, and accepted the compliments.... on MY hard work. Daughter had also noticed that when we brought a dish to a function (that I had cooked) she accepted the compliments when others automatically assumed that she, as the woman, had prepared it.

Of course I asked DD why she didn't say something. The answer kind of hurt. She told me that the adoration and devotion that I had for her Stepmom made her fear that I would automatically side with her against my daughter.

The sad thing is, DD is probably right. I feel like an ass.

StillLivin posted 12/27/2013 11:33 AM

lowner...Yes, I see where his selfishness and entitlement grew by leaps and bounds too!
Virginiagirl, my STBXH should never have left. Had he stayed, maybe I wouldn't have come to realize the same thing you did...I cannot go back to being that person that did everything to make him happy.
justjim, don't be too hard on yourself. We don't often see what's right in front of us because WE aren't like them. It's hard to see when you aren't selfish or entitiled. Being loyal isn't a fault. I too have friends and family that took off their rose colored glasses long before I did. And they didn't tell me because 1) they thought I was happy and 2) they didn't think I would listen to them.

Brandon808 posted 12/27/2013 13:55 PM

The selfishness is something I definitely do not miss. One night I came home from my 2nd job about 11pm. My xww was sitting on the couch on her laptop either playing FB games or chatting with OM. She wasn't working (holding down a job was a recurring issue for her). She looked up (did not move an inch) and said the words that woke me up forever to how selfish she is.
"Can you fix me something to eat?"

I made her a sandwich and filed for D.

I can really relate to this...

He really set out to impress and win me. my xww presented a very different person from the one I eventually D. Even my sister pointed out how different xww was at the beginning. Worked two jobs, seemed to be family oriented, wanted to go back to school and was dead-set against cheating. It's like Bizarro from Superman. At some the nice, decent people our WS were got replaced with this strange alien that does and believes the exact opposite of what they showed us.

StillLivin posted 12/27/2013 14:07 PM

"Can you fix me something to eat?"

YES YES YES....THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Before DD#1, STBXH got sick...bad sick. I made him one of my herbal concoctions and some homemade chicken soup. We went to bed. He turns to me and tells me, "Babe, you can't sleep by me. You might get sick too!" He looked horrified at the thought. I saw his expression and was sooo touched. I was just getting ready to say something sweet when he opens his mouth and inserted foot with, "If you get sick, who is going to take care of me?"
But in the beginning of the M, I had to have a surgery.....he waited on me hand and foot! What the hell happened to THAT guy?

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