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Newest Member: FrustratedJoker (61483)

User Topic: Does the pain dull over time?
♀ 40819
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 3:26 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It been 3 months since dday and some days are better than others. I have soo many fears. Im wondering if I go through all of this pain, my WS does everything right and a year goes by or two years go by, will the pain still be soo strong? I know I will have triggers and I know I will never forget. But for those of you who are 1,2,3+ years out ... does it still hurt the same when you have a trigger? do the mind images/videos fade or become less painful? I wonder if it's worth fighting for sometimes? Or if I should just cut my losses and move on, I'm afraid that I won't get past the deep, realistic Butcher knife in my heart or the constant battle between my heart and head...

Together over 13yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 332 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
♀ 41759
Member # 41759
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for this post. I have the same questions and fears.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 38499
Member # 38499
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes Kate - the pain will dull over time... I'm about 18 months out now and I've just realized in the last few weeks that I'm going longer stretches without thinking about "IT" - there may have even been a whole day in there somewhere that I didn't think about IT.

Get ready for your new favorite four-letter-word: TIME. It sucks, plain and simple, and there is no way to rush it... I remember being just a few months out and worrying that there was no way I was ever gonna get my brain back. Mind-movies had completely taken over me... I couldn't believe it. I remember thinking to myself, "what did I used to think about all day before this happened?"

I'm sure others will be along shortly with even more words of wisdom... Most say to count on 2-5 years to really get through this crap.

Good luck to you Kate - remember, no matter what happens, YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS - with him or without him, YOU will be OKAY.

BW - Me (33)
FWH - Him (34)
Married - 8years
D-Day - 06/06/12
Status - Trying...things are good :)

Posts: 77 | Registered: Feb 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, once you've been betrayed, you've got to deal with the pain. There's no way out - it doesn't matter what outcome you go for.

My experience was increasing pain for 3-4 months, a plateau for 3-4 months, followed - finally - by a gradual reduction of pain, punctuated by a few horrible periods of spikes, usually around 'antiversaries'.

The pain doesn't get dull, IMO; it's gone.

I embraced the pain to the best of my ability - I felt it and did my best to let it flow out of my body. I did some of that in IC. This included several episodes of pulling over to the side of the road.

If you stuff the pain, it sticks around and grows.

This is meant to be optimistic, and I hope you see it that way.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16799 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♂ 40304
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has for me.

Well, "dull" isn't the word I'd use. It receeds.

When I think about it, when I put a little effort into remembering the two days between receiving the suspicious text and disclosure, I can still feel the pain and anxiety as sharply as ever.

But the immensity of those days has shrunk. My wife's affair, and my resulting pain, are huge things in my head. But they pale in comparison to the size of my life. To my kids, to my successes and failures, to my hobbies, all of my other joys and regrets. I can look at it as a "thing that happened" and move forward now, I can see around it.

Kind of like leaving the mountains. At first they dominate your environment. They're all around you, then they're all you can see behind you leaving no room for anything else. In time, though, they're just a haze on the horizon. You know they're still there, you can remember them vividly, but they're not filling your entire world anymore.

Me - BH 41
Her - FWW 38
D-Day: 8/13

Posts: 363 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 41166
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kind of like leaving the mountains. At first they dominate your environment. They're all around you, then they're all you can see behind you leaving no room for anything else. In time, though, they're just a haze on the horizon. You know they're still there, you can remember them vividly, but they're not filling your entire world anymore.

That is beautiful. Thank you!

Me: BW 43 (39 at DDay 1)
FWH 43 (39 at DDay 1) (RibsInHerChest)
Together 23 yrs, M 20, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Massive TT due to poly: 1/4/2015 full blown EA/3 week PA
Didn't use condom, I got chlamydia.

Posts: 882 | Registered: Oct 2013
♂ 38814
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. I'm at 10 months and back to being (mostly) functional.

I remember having a difficult time standing up at first. It was difficult to just get through the hour.

By six months the challenge was getting through the day. Then major improvements between 7 and 10 months. I no longer just try to get through anything. Despite thinking about my WW's A 24/7 it doesn't incapacitate me. Even though we still have one major problem to sort out -- they still work together -- I can actually have fun with her (at times).

Affairs on TV or movies don't bother me anymore and I forget about her A through parts of my work day and -- surprisingly -- during Christmas dinner with family.

I think about it at night, but it doesn't keep me from sleeping.

So yes, the pain recedes. Even in my case where I feel the A isn't truly over until there's NC, even at work.

Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001. Married since 2007. Found out about her affairs in 2013. Now separated, waiting for divorce paperwork and in a wonderful new relationship. Life is good again.

Posts: 512 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 6:38 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the pain does dull over time. I'm only about a year out and 4 months from finally finding out the whole truth (I think - I hope). I can honestly say, that the pain is not as intense nor as often. Not to say that it's gone. It's not. But, it is easier to manage and it doesn't happen as often. Even the anger isn't as strong. You are so new to this. I felt like I'd die from it - I wanted to die from it. But, I didn't and it did improve. It just takes time - lots and lots of time.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1877 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
looking forward
♀ 25238
Member # 25238
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are 4 years, 8 months, 13 days from DDay.
The pain my husband feels still overwhelms him, not as frequently as it did, but it still cuts him to the core.
For him, it is0 PTSD, double betrayal, 40 years of his life a lie, can't sleep, triggers, roller coaster of emotions...
Some days I feel that there is no hope for us; today is one of them.
H asked me to go steady 47 years ago today....
Who knew then what our lives would turn out to be?

kate....Beemer got it right. The key word is TIME. It's going to take as long as it takes (Dr. Phil).
Wishing you peace and happiness sooner rather than later.

Memory and hope; one looks backward, and the other forward; one is of today, the other of tomorrow. Together more than 49 years.
"Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain." (Joseph Campbell)

Posts: 3248 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Where a river runs through it
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It's getting better...duller...less frequent spikes of the old, severe pain...I still think about it all day, but it's sort of in the background most of the time.

Strength to us both.

Me: BS, 46
Him: WH, 47
Together 24 years
4 amazing kids
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Choosing myself daily and R almost every day

Posts: 698 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with all of those above.
2 1/2 years out. The pain has dulled.

Another thread on here a couple of weeks ago stated something like:
If the house was leveled to the ground, & you are rebuilding, why build just a hut, why not build a mansion.

That is what we are focusing on now.
I am not even focusing on OW anymore-----that took a long long time for me, because she seemed to walk away unscathed & move on with her life with no consequences, while I & our 4 kids were in so much pain. And, she continued to work in the same building with WH.
But it is not even an issue now. We are building our marriage stronger & stronger every day. Things are good.
Once & awhile it hits me ---that WH was intimate with someone else---but even when it hits me, the pain is not as sharp as it was.
Our love has grown.

There is hope.

Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011
Married 28 years/Together 29 years/4 kids together
OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids
Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

Posts: 2474 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 41692
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 11:11 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Short answer: yes

Longer answer: The way it does and the time it takes probably varies from person to person. I think it depends on so many factors, like your coping skills, your emotional state, and any prior trauma that you have in your past. For me there have been phases. For 6 weeks it was all I could do to shower, eat a few meals and not cry at work in front of everyone (like making it out the door or to the bathroom counted as success). After that I got a slight reprieve, where 15 minutes could pass without thinking about the A. This is when I thought we were trying to R so that probably helped. Then another turn for the worse happened and lasted about 2 more months. This was because I was in limbo. The more you can do to accept and process your feelings and work through them the better. Suppressing things at work to allow me to function meant that almost every night I was anxious, stressed, sometimes crying the entire evening. But I got through it and so can you. If you're like me seeing people on here that are 2 years out (reconciled or divorced) and still hurting sometimes is very hard to swallow. But it's our reality. We didn't choose it for ourselves but it was thrust upon us to deal with. I am moving toward divorce now but that hasn't made it easier. I thought it would, but it hasn't. I wouldn't say you can just "cut your losses and move on". I wish it were that simple!!

"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 211 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm 2 1/2 years from Dday1 and 17 months from Dday2, does dull. I still think about it daily, but I don't cripple under the pain. It's there, but I am able to look at it analytically. It hurts, but not down to my core anymore. It just *is* if that makes sense.

Time. Everyone hates that word but it's true.

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 12:23 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't spend entire days in bed, unable to leave it, wishing I could just cease to be. I did that at least once a month for the first year.

I no longer park my car in the driveway and cry my eyes out, not really wanting anybody to see me like that. Again.

I don't hide in the bathroom with the shower running to cry, see above. These too were weekly events if not daily for awhile.

I don't check up on him obsessively. He goes out of his way to show me he is trustworthy.

I don't have to inundate him with a list of all his transgressions against me and our family. Again, a weekly event...

Coming up on five years. SI is right about that, too!

Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 6246 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
♀ 31397
Member # 31397
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm more than 2 years from the final d-day. I'll be honest in that often if feels sort of like a dream/other life now. I forgot the woman's name the other day when I was going to bring it up (this may well be that my thyroid is going nutty and I'm just plain messed up by it!) But the point is I'm clearly not regularly thinking about her/it exactly anymore.

So, yes, the pain has dulled. But I still get that pit in my stomach feeling sometimes. Every time he doesn't answer his phone or if he's late or similar, I feel a bit of anxiety. That stuff triggers me.

So there was damage to our relationship and fears/lack of trust in me that haven't resolved. I can say I'm nearly certain my husband isn't have an affair. But in my heart I know it's possible, and that wasn't true before.

But the hurt, even when I think of the things that just devastated me, is less now by a lot most of the time. Time helps. I really feel we've healed. But, at least for me so far, it healed with scars.

[This message edited by caland at 12:38 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Me (BS) and fWH, M 21 years
4 school aged kids
D-Day 2/22/11, lots of TT, D-day #2 and also came clean with it all 3/2011

Dday #3: 10/2011 I found out he had returned to the OW about 6 months into what I thought was R

Posts: 176 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 37107
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends a lot on the BS's personality, on the circumstances, on the WS - there are lots of variables. For me Year 2 has been worse than Year 1, although the pain is not as fresh, raw and intense, in many ways it is worse because the reality is sinking in that this is REAL, it REALLY happened, it will always be a part of my history. I am finding Year 2 much harder going.

[This message edited by ItsaClimb at 2:43 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

BS 49
Together 32 yrs, M 28 years
2 daughters 27yo(married with 2 children) & 21yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 1310 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 38763
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you rebuild a marriage? Nothing seems to apply to us anymore.
He is eager and willing but, roughly 16 months out, I'm really struggling. I have no value within our marriage and nothing special between us. I feel no seeds to grow from. If I feel loving or okay with us, it's just me falling back into my old, easy patterns. It's nothing new.
How do you rebuild?

Me: 44 BS
Him: 40 FWS
Ow: 47 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 23, 20, 19, 17, 12
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 360 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
♀ 8531
Member # 8531
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES IT DOES. It's not easy to be patient and it's a hard road, but it does get better.

D-Day was 10/9/05
He promised NC. He lied. After 4 chances, I kicked him out 1/05/06.
Since then I have survived cancer surgery and a heart attack.
Now he's sorry, but it's too late.

Posts: 8164 | Registered: Oct 2005 | From: Wisconsin
♂ 41666
Member # 41666
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For another "mountain" analogy, my doctor shared this with me.

In life we run upon many walls. Most of them we knock down, and go thru. Sometimes you will run into a wall you can't knock down. You can stand there and beat it until your fists are bloody, holding up everyone behind you, or go around.

After going around, the wall will still be there. At first, when you look back, it is still huge. But as you keep moving, its gradually gets smaller. Still there, just smaller.

Posts: 261 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
♀ 29912
Member # 29912
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Short answer- YES.... Long answer- sort of

It will get better and some of the nasty feelings will lessen and some will even be blocked out by your brain to protect you.

However, at 4 years (me) I still trigger.... certain things, days, holidays still make me think and I wish I could feel better about those. Even last night my H brought up meds again. Not going there again... tried some... didn't work.. don't want to again.

Just wish he understood that at this distance out I still struggle sometimes.... and that a hug and touch might be all I need. It did dawn on him last night that Christmas is not fun for me since this has gone down (Dec. 2009). I do what I have to and each year I hope and pray that the cheer and happy spirit will return. I see tiny glimpses but wonder if it is just me hoping for it so badly. I remember enjoying driving down the street this year as the holiday lights were on and thinking how pretty they were.... that's about as cheery as I got this year. I guess I will take the therapists advice to fake it till I make it... someday....

Posts: 1308 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: still lost
Topic Posts: 31
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