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Newest Member: Phoenix2rise (45723)

User Topic: How To Have A New Beginning
JerseyCowgirl
♀ 41441
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hoping some of you great SI'ers who are further along can tell me what you did to get your life back on some kind of forward motion.
Some History:
Divorced August 2012
Lost my house so now basically homeless and staying with family
Lost my job because of divorce
Lost my health ins because of divorce
Lost my closest friends--they believed his lies.
And the worst--I needed a major surgery which of course I can't afford without insurance

If you were me where would you even start?


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 343 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
peacelovetea
♀ 26071
Member # 26071
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One step at a time. I looked at where I want to be in 5, 10 years, then worked backwards. What needs to be done by next year to get towards that? What needs to be done in 6 months? 3? Next week? Today? Just break it all down. At nearly 2 years post S I am doing well and while life isnt always easy and my NB hasn't been without its bumps I am happy and working towards my doctorate, enjoying my kids, and reasonably financially ok. And realize that it will take time to rebuild, to heal, to get to where I want to be, but that every day I am doing some small thing to grow.

Its overwhelming if you look to far ahead, I know. Just try to figure out what you can do today. It may be tiny, but its more than nothing. Those tiny steps add up.


BW, SAHM
D-Day: 6/5/09, drunken ONS on business trip, confessed immediately, transparent, remorseful but emotionally clueless
M 11 years, 3 kids
4/12 Tried to R for 3 years, have decided to D
12/31/12 D final

Posts: 542 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: PacNW
Amazonia
♀ 32810
Member # 32810
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just bumped a thread that has a lot of ideas of what people have done in their NB. Maybe you'll find some inspiration there.

Eta: Sometimes taking control of the small aspects of your life (ex:redecorate your room, cook a favorite meal, etc.) can jump start the process to taking control of the bigger stuff, like finding a new job, etc.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:36 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


"You yourself deserve your love and affection as much as anybody in the universe." -Buddha
"Let's face it, life is a crap shoot." -Sad in AZ

Posts: 13862 | Registered: Jul 2011
heartbroken_kk
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I definitely recommend the baby steps method. "Chunk it down" as my IC says.

I have binders I keep of my to-do lists with all these incremental steps crossed out. Seriously has given me confidence and something to latch onto. After 2 years I have 2 binders FULL of clear evidence of all the things I've done to get my life back on track. It's proof I haven't been sitting on my butt. Start a journal or something similar to track what you are doing. Make it a habit to organize your day with actions you can accomplish that day.

I'm just like you, back at ground ZERO. No money, no home, nuthing. Living in an RV. I am learning to live small and like simplicity.

Since clearly you are thinking about your future, write some stuff down. What little dreams of little things do you have? Big dreams? WRITE THEM DOWN.

At 50, I have no savings and NOTHING for retirement. For me I am looking out 25 years to putting my feet up with enough to get by. It will be a late retirement but dammit I'm going to do it.

This year I finally got a job after two years of unemployment. My goal with this job (it's temporary contract work) is to get some solid skills established and a track record to use for getting my next job. I don't know exactly what my next job will be but I have ideas of where I want to go with my career so I am emphasizing job elements where I can gain towards my future. What can you do to sharpen your skills? Can you volunteer? Can you freelance? Can you take a class? What about self-teaching?

I am working on my own personal psychology. I am prone to depression and "functional paralysis" where I basically can't function... I mope and zone out and sit around.... so I am focusing on not sitting around when I have time available. I am trying to keep moving in my time off. What are your personal traits that are holding you back? Learn about them, read up, and work on a "self-improvement project"

I am also working on not letting my health get out of control (of course this is related to my psychology). I lost 70 pounds a couple years ago and I have gained over half of it back. I'm fighting further weight gain and trying to lose weight. I'm trying to exercise more and drink less alcohol. I'm currently not succeeding very well in this area but it's a goal of mine to not go backwards. What can you do to support your health?

Just some thoughts for you. For me it's not so important WHAT I'm doing, it's THAT I'm doing SOMETHING.

HTH


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ 39114
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, December 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi JerseyCowGirl,

Hi, So sorry.

So many losses.

I'm thinking forward motion.

I would say do whatever you can to interact with life in a healthy way.

That might be volunteering. Or taking a yoga class. Or joining a meetup.com group. Or whatever it is that makes you happy, that brings you into contact with others. It might be joining a 12 step group. It doesn't much matter what it is, as long as its' healthy, as long as you start to get involved in life. If you're not working or if you are isolated in your parents house, that's just going to keep you simmering and not moving, ya know?

I read your profile and i'm so sorry this happened to you again, but i don't know if you are in IC. If you are not, that would of course also be something very high on your list.

Of course continue with the job search but if you can't yet or are having challenges then Get Involved in life in some way. Many libraries have lots of programs, depending on county funding, for kids and for adults. Book stores might have author's coming by. I don't know if you are rural suburban or in a city. That will obviously affect your choices but EVERYWHERE there is need. Go out and find out what others need and seek to meet that need.

I think that is the very best advice i can give you. It gets you out of your own sad story and into others. and in giving you receive and the energy starts to flow....

Does that make sense!??

So that's where i would start. Look for others who need help. And go help them through whatever volunteer structure is available to you in your community. Check out your civic organizations, your religious community if you are active or interested.

Hope this might help???? A tiny bit???

I'm about to face a new beginning soon too . Moving into a temporary family house, and will be jobless, far from friends, closer to family, but basically starting again from scratch.

I ask myself the same questions. How to begin again.

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 10:24 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Health is most important - I would break down goals.

Start to do what you can without the surgery - eat right, walk, etc. you have the time

Contact any and all people to let them know you are looking. Be assertive and don't directly ask for a job just let them know that you are getting back in the work force and any advice would be helpful

Get a job - any job part time till you find a long term job. Some part time jobs in retail have health insurance (that is the key)

Work on your healing- at the store, a customer of yours etc- every opportunity might be a job opportunity. Work on being positive so you are ready for that opportunity

If you like volunteering do it - if not spend time with loved ones. With a job that won't be as possible.

Network with people from the old job and see where they landed. Pick companies you want to work for and look into positions that fit you and those you are slightly over qualified. Getting in is the bottom line - in 2 years it won't matter and the benefits alone are worth it.

Good luck- Keep moving forward is the key!

[This message edited by fireproof at 7:34 AM, December 27th (Friday)]


Posts: 1056 | Registered: Jul 2012
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Are you looking for a new job? Get out there and do volunteer work if you can, it will help you to meet people, also to network for a new job. Don't pass up any opportunity to network. Smile at folks. Fake it til you make it. Go to church if you are religiuos, go to the library, but get up and go places and do things. There are a lot of free things to do in most places.
Oh, and those "good" friends, PLEEEEASE.
Good friends know who you really are. I had 4 good friends (or so I thought). Now I know 3 were true friends pre DD#1.
The "friend" I lost, she called my H behind my back to get HIS side of the story so SHE would know what was really going on. I had confided that I thought he MIGHT be having an A. Now what kind of a friend calls your husband behind your back, tells him to keep it a secret, when his wife already believes he is keeping secrets.
We were friends for over 20 years. THAT is NOT a good friend. My other 3 friends totally had my back, and had already been thinking he was acting suspicious and didn't need to get "HIS" side of the story.
So, start making new friends, and be real real picky of who you end up choosing as friends.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2501 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
JerseyCowgirl
♀ 41441
Member # 41441
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, December 27th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, all great suggestions and I have tried them all. I am living in one room and if I even attempt to use the kitchen my elderly mother gets upset and throws out anything I cooked. I tried to sign up to volunteer but not allowed here without Dr's note and no insurance so no Dr. In past two days I have now broke my tooth and now vision in right eye gone.it just keeps getting worse


Me: Divorced 2012
I know that when I truly love & honor myself I am at my best & most complete; and I will never settle for anything less from myself or from anyone else ever again!

Posts: 343 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Have not decided where to land yet!
TheAgonyOfIt
♀ 39114
Member # 39114
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you have a counselor? Therapist?
I realize insurance is an issue so I would call girl your local woman's advocacy group or county social services. They are there for a reason! To help people in crisis. If your others options are not working, please call social services. Let someone help you. Do this for you!!


Me BS 49, ExWS: narcissist! Jekyll Hyde. Left in secret early July, moved states. Left home, job, whole life behind and difficult** adjusting. Dog injured and too much to handle. Supremely bummed out.

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: theagonyofit
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so overwhelmed with all of the changes with my NB, I had full on panic attacks. But, slowly, I realized I could only tackle one at a time.

I made a list. I prioritized and only tackled one at a time and didn't think about anything else.

How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4215 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
heartbroken_kk
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say this but it sounds like your living situation with your mother is toxic to your soul. Throwing out your food! That is outrageous!

Please keep looking for ways for you to get out of the house and in the company of other people who are not so demeaning to you!

There are lots of ways to volunteer and most do not require anything of you to prove you are healthy other than that you show up. You can volunteer in a park doing habitat restoration or help in a community garden watering or pulling weeds or painting a fence, help with graffiti removal at a school, walk dogs at the animal shelter.... stuff envelopes for your political party, anything, anything to get out of the house!

(((JerseyCowgirl))) Please think of a way to get out of the house at least a couple times a week!


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
heartbroken_kk
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 11:48 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double post

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 11:49 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1234 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
dreamlife
♀ 8142
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:41 AM, December 31st (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Start at..."Hello".

Friendship.

Wow, you have been through so very much!

Sending you huge hugs.


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25435 | Registered: Sep 2005
Topic Posts: 13

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