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Boundaries - How do you stick to them?

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conflicted27 posted 12/26/2013 17:02 PM

Ok, I've established minimum contact with WS - for my safety, for my daughter's safety. One of the big things I am seeing is that over the years my ability to set and maintain a boundary has almost completely gone away. Perhaps I was never very good at it in the first place.

My WS is definitely testing the minimal contact boundary and I'm feeling like I'm not being as strong with it as I need to be. He's always been what I call a master of justification - he always has a reason to give in to anything he wants, from sales on things at the store (It's such a good deal, how can we pass it up) to this current boundary. And I have become the master of giving in over the years, even when I know better. He called last night and asked if he could bring over a plate of surf and turf for Christmas Dinner. He's an amazing cook and it's definitely one of my weaknesses for him. I said yes but ended up not being able to stomach a bite of it because when I asked what his Dad had said about it he told me that he lied to his Dad and said the plate of food was for a male friend. His Dad HATES me and has been very vocal about encouraging my WS to have no contact with me and to protect himself by trying to get me as much jail time as possible (conveniently FIL was also the first to talk to the cops even though he was the reason my mom called 911 in the first place). As soon as I heard that he had lied I realized that I had let my own boundary fail and asked him to leave. It makes me sick that he can lie so easily to anyone - me, his father, etc.

I feel so guilty about my boundary because WS seems so desperate to fix things even though I have NO evidence to suggest that his "change of heart" is sincere and lasting. Any advice for standing my ground and learning to say "no" to anything beyond necessary contact? I'm feeling really weak willed right now

Thanks in advance. It's definitely something I'll bring up in IC, but their office is closed for the next week.

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/26/2013 19:50 PM

Request that any communication be email only. And then block his number on your phone.

Only check email 2x a day (morning and night) and wait 24 hours to respond.

I briefly skimmed some of your earlier posts -- honey, he sent you to jail. Do not talk to this man.

The only thing you have to do is communicate about kids (but the baby is with you and you don't have a parenting plan yet -- is that correct?) and finances. Finances can be dealt with via email.

BLOCK HIM. If you don't feel comfortable doing that then change his name to something that will remind you of the shit he has done to you and set the ringtone to SILENT. Let it go to voicemail and only listen to messages once a day. Do not return the call -- email a response and reference what the voicemail said.

Do not engage AT ALL!!!!!

Kalliopeia posted 12/26/2013 22:21 PM

Boundries are an outgrowth of your personal values. When you enforce your personal values, there are your boundries.

What are your boundries here? And what are the consequences of them being violated.

For example: I will not have contact with someone who could harm me or put my child into danger. You enforce this boundry because it keeps you safe. Even more, it keeps your child safe.

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