Hi Wayflost, I read this post and another where you became angry and hit your H. They both have the same tone - you are far more concerned with you than with your H. I'm not criticizing you with this comment - it's an observation.
Most of the sentences start with "I". The ones that start with "He" are always something negative he has done out of pain, but the pain part appears lost on you.
You seem annoyed that he asked you to sign a property settlement.
I agreed in spite of my feelings. We signed it. It was supposed to help. It was supposed to be better.
NOPE.
You seem more annoyed that it didn't magically make everything better. It was supposed to be better. What was? Your entire marriage? Why? Because he knows he at least won't be destitute if the two of you can't make it?
Here is what happened on your way to sign this document and have it notarized:
You were resentful about it, but kept quiet. You didn't want this, but it was worth it to get him to ease up a little.
He was thinking that he cannot believe he needs to go do this because he cannot trust his wife. He is hurt that this is happening because his wife had 5 affairs. FIVE. In two years. He is upset because his entire world, sense of security, feelings of mattering to someone, and self esteem have been ripped from him. He is devastated because this person he loved more than anything did this to him without concern for him at all. He is completely broken, and this signing is a symbol of all of that. This trip is a drive that wouldn't need to happen if you hadn't had the affairs.
So yes, you thought this was a good thing, and it was, but it was in no way a cure all for his pain. It was actually a symbol of it. So, as you said, NOPE, it didn't fix everything.
As far as your anger issues - they are yours, not his, and you are using them as an excuse to not face the reality of the situation. You explode at him for expressing his pain, and justify it by bringing up your anger issues? What about his issues?
I am sorry you had a bad childhood, I really am. A lot of us did. But I think these anger issues that have been coming up more since DDay are more about DDay than your anger issues. You are fighting seeing what has really happened in your marriage and to your H. You become angry when it comes up, because you feel terrible about causing this, but you don't want to hear about it. It isn't pleasant to talk about negative things you've done, and worse is that you can't fix it quickly. You've been successful in school and professionally. You learn quickly and tackle problems to have more success. You can't map out a gameplan and have this fixed in a month, and you don't know what to do with a problem that can't be fixed with a few simple changes.
Anger is a secondary emotion. No one just 'becomes' angry. It is a mask for another emotion. Someone cuts you off in traffic? It scares you - and to cover the fear anger rises up. Someone threatens you? You feel fear, humiliation, etc. To cover that, anger rises up.
So why do you think now, after DDay, are you suddenly prone to fits of these 'anger issues'? What are you covering up so much these days?
Regarding picking words apart - you say you aren't stupid, and I completely believe that. So stop doing it. You are in control of you, always. I can see doing it in the heat of the moment, but then you could take a breath and not continue. Instead, you come here and, over two hours after your initial post, you post the definition of the word. You then blame this tactic on 'anger' issues. No, picking words apart is an avoidance issue, not an anger issue. There is nothing 'angry' about discussing the definition of the word. There is, however, the possibility of turning the conversation away from it's topic and on to the other party's use of a word. Avoidance.
It's true that I still want to find a way to get out of this mess (at least professionally) with as little mud as possible. Mostly because (possible pre-A issue) I know that there is an expectation that I contribute to the household financially going forward.
With all due respect, bullshit. You are worried about your reputation because you enjoy having it. You are a 'public servant'. You are highly educated and you enjoy people knowing you and your achievements. In your posts, you have mentioned your career and education more than you've mentioned your sorrow at the state of your marriage. This has nothing to do with the expectation that you contribute financially. You could do that working at Walmart as a night manager. No, this is about ego, not financial expectations.
I understand that you want some reprieves from this. You want some escape. You don't want to have your negative actions pushed on you constantly. I get that, I truly do. But try to remember that your H cannot escape this, ever. It is all he thinks about. It distracts him from daily life. He is obsessed with it, and he would love an escape, even for an hour. He can't have one. He hurts, constantly. Please try to remember that before exploding on him for his pain. He didn't ask for this pain, but it's here. He doesn't want to dwell on it, but he can't do anything else. Please, try to remember this.
Overall, I think your 'anger' issues are your fear coming out. Fear that your marriage is over. Fear that your reputation will be damaged. Fear that your career as you know it may end. Fear that you will be remembered for the last 2 years and not for the accomplishments you've achieved. And deep down, fear of having to face your real issues and work to improve them. You like 'you'. You have done many good things you are proud of. You've managed to cover all of your insecurities and flaws with degrees and good jobs. You've managed to mask everything with letters after your name. Now you need to dig into you, and that's scary for someone that's spent a lifetime in school to avoid just that.
Why do I think this? Because I have as many letters after my name as in my name. I have multiple advanced degrees, and a great job. I also had a bad childhood - divorced parents, an alcoholic father, a mother that decided that she deserved a life. I was alone, almost always. I would beg for my mother to stay home, but she would tell me 'later' and go out. I stopped begging. I learned to shut it all out. I needed no one.
No, I'm not the WS. I'm the BS. That doesn't mean I don't have my own issues, and I've had to deal with them to move toward healing from the A. My H has issues, and he's had to do the same.
You have issues, and you have to accept that, stop dwelling on your career and what you might lose professionally, and start thinking about what you might lose personally. If you can't-if what you have professionally means more than what you have personally, then please tell your H that, and ask him to let you go, because the amount of work you'll need to do will require you to want, more than anything else, to remain married to your H and heal yourself personally. If your focus remains on your job, I don't know if you'll be able to do that.
Everything I've said here is meant to make you think a little, and maybe see some of the patterns you're in about what matters and your reactions. I could be very, very wrong. If I am, I apologize. If I've offended anyone, I truly apologize. I do NOT mean to do that, at all.
I wish you luck, Wayflost. I also hope that you take this opportunity to really look at what matters to you, and what is superficial. I've tried to open some of those doors here, and again, If I've offended anyone, I sincerely apologize.
[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:22 AM, December 27th (Friday)]