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Need opinions - is this a EA?

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FUBAR858 posted 12/26/2013 17:59 PM

So this is actually for a friend of mine and has some close connection with me. Long story short, my buddy called me today concerned that his wife is having an A with another man. He was worried to talk to me about it cause in the next few days marks my 1 year D-day that I found out my W was having an A. He happened upon an email to his W from OM that had some pet names. My buddy started to look around and found several other emails that talked about what they would do (not sexually) if things were different. He found out that last month his W sent nearly 4000 text - unsure right now who it was to though. He has found several other emails and actual letters from the OM confessing his love. There are times that my buddies W will go grocery shopping and not come home until 930-10pm. My buddy was concerned about this OM a while back and asked his W if there was an A. She denied there was. It just seems like there is a bunch of evidence suggesting at least an EA is going on.
What are everyone’s thoughts on this?

cl131716 posted 12/26/2013 18:10 PM

Yes definitely EA! I consider my Wh's an EA even though he claims there were no emotions. OW would call him pet names, too. And there was LOTS of flirting and sexual innuendos. The only spoke in a really sexually nature twice, that I know of, but I consider the whole relationship pretty much from the get go an EA.

Clarrissa posted 12/26/2013 18:12 PM

FWW here. On the surface, it indeed sounds like at least an EA. If she's "grocery shopping" until all hours, my guess it's PA as well.

Sorry about what your buddy is going through but he has ample reason to be concerned.

Have you directed him here? You know he'll get the help and support he needs.

RealityStinks posted 12/26/2013 18:15 PM

Fubar -
It's for sure an EA, and I'd bet a PA too based on the "grocery shopping". My WW started out as texting/talking. She swore that was it. I kept stumbling onto stuff culminating with the two of them at the same Inn, on the same day, and in the middle of nowhere. But, she "had no idea he was there" and just "pulled over to nap". Please.

As my counselor told me just after I found out, "where there's smoke, there's fire". I'd tell your buddy his house is burning down.

Nature_Girl posted 12/26/2013 18:28 PM

She's cheating.

FUBAR858 posted 12/26/2013 18:59 PM

I'm definitely going to have him come here. Even though this is only my 2nd post, I've come here a lot and it has helped me out.

I'm going to go to his house tomorrow so we can talk more about everything. It's a bit hard for me too because it's starting to bring up all the feelings that I had. I pretty much found out the same way.

He was thinking about confronting her tonight with all the evidence that he has. There is no evidence so far that it's a PA but I'm thinking there is or at least was at some point. The poor guy is so nice and was going to be extremely civil about it. I think he might be in shock that this might be happening to him.

Brandon808 posted 12/26/2013 19:13 PM

Literally thousands of texts. Grocery shopping until 10pm too.

PA for sure.

Aubrie posted 12/26/2013 19:20 PM

FWW here.

Deff EA, most likely PA.

My suggestion? He should quietly gather evidence. GPS on phone, VAR in her car, keylogger on all electronic devices she uses. Of course, that's if he needs/wants proof. For some people, just a suspicion of infidelity is enough to be "done".

[This message edited by Aubrie at 7:21 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Clarrissa posted 12/26/2013 20:40 PM

Fubar, EA or PA the devastation is still the same. Neither is "better" or "worse" than the other. I think you're being a very good friend to this man for being willing to help him when your own pain is still so fresh.

You see the consensus here. This man's wife is almost 100% guaranteed to be cheating. The signs are there. The texts, the overly familiar emails, the disappearing for hours on end. Of course she's going to deny it. Very few WS are "in your face" about their cheating. Just help him prepare himself for what's to come as best you can. Tell him he's welcome to share his story here. There's a great group of people here, you know that. As one poster said a while back to another BS who'd just found out: Bring the beer. He just made 40,000+ friends.

Ostrich80 posted 12/27/2013 01:20 AM

May have started as an EA but I'd bet its PA now.

wanttogoforward posted 12/27/2013 07:59 AM

The poor mans wife is certainly cheating....

I have experienced this as the BS... and this is what I had happen...
Thousands of emails... all day... every day at work
wanting to 'buy' items from her when she was moving
Going to work a bit early and staying later
skipping coming home for lunch
trying to take her to lunch before she left her H- I caught onto that one in time or it likely would have been a PA by then.
Pet names... 'beautiful'... 'sexy'... etc.
The discussion of what they would both do if they were single
the sending of gifts- not big ones.... not that it frickin matters

The only thing he didn't do was the texting because at the time he hated having a cell phone... now he has one that I can monitor if I choose.

I'm so sorry, but having been there done that he needs to keep quiet and investigate... wish I had done more of that but my big mouth couldn't keep closed. Now I only ever have his word that he didn't sleep with her

cl131716 posted 12/27/2013 08:28 AM

wish I had done more of that but my big mouth couldn't keep closed. Now I only ever have his word that he didn't sleep with her

I'm in the same position. I think I caught it before it became a PA but it was so very close. I seriously believe had I let it go on another week it would have became physical. There are a few e-mails that really made me question if it hadn't already gone that way and they had simply agreed not to discuss it through messages but that is probably fear talking.

tushnurse posted 12/27/2013 08:32 AM

Cheating for sure - Spending quality time and attention with someone other than her spouse, and then is hiding it - Yup that's cheating.

The kicker is it is most likely physical too.

I would strongly urge him to not confront until he has a bit more proof, I would get a VAR in her car, I would put a keylogger on the computer, and spyware on her phone. Without proof in hand, many WS's will do a pretty good job of minimizing, and convincing the BS that they are crazy, or making a big deal out of nothing. With proof it stops all that Bullshit.

(((and strength to you and your friend)))

painfulpast posted 12/27/2013 08:50 AM

I agree that yes, it's an EA, and probably PA. I also agree that he needs to not confront until he knows for sure what is going on.

He has seen the number of texts on the phone bill. Have him look at the night she was grocery shopping so late. If the texts stopped, it's most likely because she was with him.

If there are also phone conversations, he should use a VAR. He should also make sure the phone locater is on her phone so he can see where she is.

He also needs to find out everything he can about OM - is he married, where does he live, etc.

She's cheating - at least EA, but most likely PA.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/27/2013 09:44 AM

FUBAR, sorry you had to be here, but it's nice to "meet" you after getting to know your WW for several months.
end t/j

Detecting the lies of a cheating wife is a subject in which I'm sure you wished you weren't an expert. Your friend is lucky to have you on his side.

Yep, if buddy's wife and OM aren't officially screwing, they're at least making out in cars.

Does the wife have a smartphone? Definitely he should start tracking her if at all possible. Assuming they have a shared plan, I think Sprint and Verizon have a service you can pay for, to track family members. There are free apps like Life 360 phone tracker, which runs in the background but if she noticed the icon she'd be able to log out of it. Verizon has the "Verizon Messages" app which will (transparently!) send all her texts to an iPad.

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