Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: LonelyandUnsure

General :
Need opinions - is this a EA?

This Topic is Archived
default

 FUBAR858 (original poster new member #40515) posted at 11:59 PM on Thursday, December 26th, 2013

So this is actually for a friend of mine and has some close connection with me. Long story short, my buddy called me today concerned that his wife is having an A with another man. He was worried to talk to me about it cause in the next few days marks my 1 year D-day that I found out my W was having an A. He happened upon an email to his W from OM that had some pet names. My buddy started to look around and found several other emails that talked about what they would do (not sexually) if things were different. He found out that last month his W sent nearly 4000 text - unsure right now who it was to though. He has found several other emails and actual letters from the OM confessing his love. There are times that my buddies W will go grocery shopping and not come home until 930-10pm. My buddy was concerned about this OM a while back and asked his W if there was an A. She denied there was. It just seems like there is a bunch of evidence suggesting at least an EA is going on.

What are everyone’s thoughts on this?

posts: 44   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2013
id 6612757
default

cl131716 ( member #40699) posted at 12:10 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

Yes definitely EA! I consider my Wh's an EA even though he claims there were no emotions. OW would call him pet names, too. And there was LOTS of flirting and sexual innuendos. The only spoke in a really sexually nature twice, that I know of, but I consider the whole relationship pretty much from the get go an EA.

Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA

posts: 1243   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 6612765
default

Clarrissa ( member #21886) posted at 12:12 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

FWW here. On the surface, it indeed sounds like at least an EA. If she's "grocery shopping" until all hours, my guess it's PA as well.

Sorry about what your buddy is going through but he has ample reason to be concerned.

Have you directed him here? You know he'll get the help and support he needs.

BH Cee64D - 50
FWW (me) - 51


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2008   ·   location: A better place
id 6612772
default

RealityStinks ( member #41457) posted at 12:15 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

Fubar -

It's for sure an EA, and I'd bet a PA too based on the "grocery shopping". My WW started out as texting/talking. She swore that was it. I kept stumbling onto stuff culminating with the two of them at the same Inn, on the same day, and in the middle of nowhere. But, she "had no idea he was there" and just "pulled over to nap". Please.

As my counselor told me just after I found out, "where there's smoke, there's fire". I'd tell your buddy his house is burning down.

posts: 414   ·   registered: Nov. 26th, 2013
id 6612774
default

Nature_Girl ( member #32554) posted at 12:28 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

She's cheating.

Me = BS
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

posts: 10722   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2011   ·   location: USA
id 6612789
default

 FUBAR858 (original poster new member #40515) posted at 12:59 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

Clarrissa

I'm definitely going to have him come here. Even though this is only my 2nd post, I've come here a lot and it has helped me out.

I'm going to go to his house tomorrow so we can talk more about everything. It's a bit hard for me too because it's starting to bring up all the feelings that I had. I pretty much found out the same way.

He was thinking about confronting her tonight with all the evidence that he has. There is no evidence so far that it's a PA but I'm thinking there is or at least was at some point. The poor guy is so nice and was going to be extremely civil about it. I think he might be in shock that this might be happening to him.

posts: 44   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2013
id 6612836
default

Brandon808 ( member #35619) posted at 1:13 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

Literally thousands of texts. Grocery shopping until 10pm too.

PA for sure.

posts: 4634   ·   registered: May. 20th, 2012
id 6612855
default

Aubrie ( member #33886) posted at 1:20 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

FWW here.

Deff EA, most likely PA.

My suggestion? He should quietly gather evidence. GPS on phone, VAR in her car, keylogger on all electronic devices she uses. Of course, that's if he needs/wants proof. For some people, just a suspicion of infidelity is enough to be "done".

[This message edited by Aubrie at 7:21 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

posts: 7926   ·   registered: Nov. 11th, 2011
id 6612862
default

Clarrissa ( member #21886) posted at 2:40 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

Fubar, EA or PA the devastation is still the same. Neither is "better" or "worse" than the other. I think you're being a very good friend to this man for being willing to help him when your own pain is still so fresh.

You see the consensus here. This man's wife is almost 100% guaranteed to be cheating. The signs are there. The texts, the overly familiar emails, the disappearing for hours on end. Of course she's going to deny it. Very few WS are "in your face" about their cheating. Just help him prepare himself for what's to come as best you can. Tell him he's welcome to share his story here. There's a great group of people here, you know that. As one poster said a while back to another BS who'd just found out: Bring the beer. He just made 40,000+ friends.

BH Cee64D - 50
FWW (me) - 51


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.

posts: 6192   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2008   ·   location: A better place
id 6612952
default

Ostrich80 ( member #34827) posted at 7:20 AM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

May have started as an EA but I'd bet its PA now.

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

posts: 5738   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2012   ·   location: midwest
id 6613187
default

wanttogoforward ( member #29912) posted at 1:59 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

The poor mans wife is certainly cheating....

I have experienced this as the BS... and this is what I had happen...

Thousands of emails... all day... every day at work

wanting to 'buy' items from her when she was moving

Going to work a bit early and staying later

skipping coming home for lunch

trying to take her to lunch before she left her H- I caught onto that one in time or it likely would have been a PA by then.

Pet names... 'beautiful'... 'sexy'... etc.

The discussion of what they would both do if they were single

the sending of gifts- not big ones.... not that it frickin matters

The only thing he didn't do was the texting because at the time he hated having a cell phone... now he has one that I can monitor if I choose.

I'm so sorry, but having been there done that he needs to keep quiet and investigate... wish I had done more of that but my big mouth couldn't keep closed. Now I only ever have his word that he didn't sleep with her

posts: 1308   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2010   ·   location: still lost
id 6613346
default

cl131716 ( member #40699) posted at 2:28 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

wish I had done more of that but my big mouth couldn't keep closed. Now I only ever have his word that he didn't sleep with her

I'm in the same position. I think I caught it before it became a PA but it was so very close. I seriously believe had I let it go on another week it would have became physical. There are a few e-mails that really made me question if it hadn't already gone that way and they had simply agreed not to discuss it through messages but that is probably fear talking.

Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA

posts: 1243   ·   registered: Sep. 17th, 2013   ·   location: Oklahoma
id 6613387
default

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:32 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

Cheating for sure - Spending quality time and attention with someone other than her spouse, and then is hiding it - Yup that's cheating.

The kicker is it is most likely physical too.

I would strongly urge him to not confront until he has a bit more proof, I would get a VAR in her car, I would put a keylogger on the computer, and spyware on her phone. Without proof in hand, many WS's will do a pretty good job of minimizing, and convincing the BS that they are crazy, or making a big deal out of nothing. With proof it stops all that Bullshit.

(((and strength to you and your friend)))

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20380   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6613391
default

painfulpast ( member #41038) posted at 2:50 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

I agree that yes, it's an EA, and probably PA. I also agree that he needs to not confront until he knows for sure what is going on.

He has seen the number of texts on the phone bill. Have him look at the night she was grocery shopping so late. If the texts stopped, it's most likely because she was with him.

If there are also phone conversations, he should use a VAR. He should also make sure the phone locater is on her phone so he can see where she is.

He also needs to find out everything he can about OM - is he married, where does he live, etc.

She's cheating - at least EA, but most likely PA.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

posts: 2249   ·   registered: Oct. 19th, 2013   ·   location: East Coast
id 6613415
default

20WrongsVs1 ( member #39000) posted at 3:44 PM on Friday, December 27th, 2013

t/j

FUBAR, sorry you had to be here, but it's nice to "meet" you after getting to know your WW for several months.

end t/j

Detecting the lies of a cheating wife is a subject in which I'm sure you wished you weren't an expert. Your friend is lucky to have you on his side.

Yep, if buddy's wife and OM aren't officially screwing, they're at least making out in cars.

Does the wife have a smartphone? Definitely he should start tracking her if at all possible. Assuming they have a shared plan, I think Sprint and Verizon have a service you can pay for, to track family members. There are free apps like Life 360 phone tracker, which runs in the background but if she noticed the icon she'd be able to log out of it. Verizon has the "Verizon Messages" app which will (transparently!) send all her texts to an iPad.

fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
Former motto: "Fake it till ya make it." Now: "You can't win if you don't play."

posts: 1523   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2013   ·   location: The First Coast
id 6613488
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy