Hi everyone,
Thanks for the support, advice, and tough love.
I will try and answer/address the concerns (valid) that you all brought up...
Yes, I am a Christian and I know that Biblically I have grounds for divorce. However, I don't agree with his decision to just walk away from a 24 year relationship without giving counseling a try. Also, as a child of divorce, I don't agree with divorce! We had always said, even before we got married, said that we would not divorce, we would always work on our problems and get things sorted out. My parents had a very quiet, non- argumentative divorce...nothing messy at all....and it was DEVASTATING to me and affected my entire life and still does.
In terms of the IC saying this is not a good time for DD17....if she was the only one giving that advice it would be one thing, but she isn't....the inpatient doc gave the same advice...our DD does not have typical teenage depression....she has very deep, adult like symptoms...the counselor said she has never seen a child as deeply depressed as our DD is. (This has been a struggle with DD since early childhood....so it isn't related to the current situation....).
This is another reason I will not file. *i* am not willing to take the chance that my actions are what put her over the edge. I don't agree with WH's decision to end our marriage the way he is choosing to do it and I won't be a part of it. He can do the work himself. I truly think he thought it would find out about the A, file for D, and he wouldn't have to do any of the work...I'd take care of everything. He didn't realize that I'm actually still in love with him!
Honestly, I think the kids know something is up, but they don't know what. WH and I actually get along pretty well most of the time... I make the effort to do that...however, with our oldest home, don't know how long that will last...I think WH's attitude is outing him and I doubt she will go back to school without saying something. I'm hoping it will jolt him out of his fog.
Another reason I haven't detached from him completely is that I'm still hoping to R, and if I detach now, I can't see that as being possible. I know WH thinks leaving is what he wants...but what he has said he wants is for his anxiety to be less and for the tension (pre-A) to be gone....well, that requires counseling...which we can't do because of the A. Although we don have a MC appt on jan 10th....we are going to see if we can start addressing his anger toward me that he won't let go...
Let me assure you my IC stays right on top of this...it's driving her crazy that I'm not in a position to set hard boundaries with him about his behavior. If I was in a different position with DD, I would. I'm not willing to risk her life over it. As it is, every medication in this house is locked up and I have to watch her take each and every pill she takes. The sharps are going to be locked up next as it's becoming an issue. If she doesn't answer a text message I have to find her and make sure she isn't self harming or worse....she is in a really bad place. Her family is the most important thing in the world to her. I'm willing to put up with WH's crap for the time being if it keeps her safe and alive for right now. Both her IC and her inpatient doc don't believe she has *any clue* about what is happening between me and WH. They have specifically tried to find out what her perception of our relationship is.
Back to the faith/religion thing....my pastor told us that if we truly wanted to follow God's plan for us, we both needed to go into counseling without any preconceived notions of the outcome. WH can't go in with the idea that it won't work and we can't recover, and it can't go into it with the idea that we will stay together no matter what. I took me several weeks of thinking, but I finally figured out how our marriage ending could be any part of God's plan: God would not want me to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage if my husband is unwilling or unable to change his behavior.i emailed the pastor with this thought and he said I had finally gotten it.
So...I'm remaining hopeful. I'm praying for my husband from the book The Power of a Praying Wife. I also pray for myself to have strength, patience, peace at heart, etc, but mostly the patience part! I have let go of the idea that I have the power to change my husband's mind. I'm taking care of myself...and in that way I'm detaching as I have always focused on him and his needs...it's hard to unlearn that, but I'm working on it.
I'm in "hope for the best but plan for the worst" mode. I've consulted an attorney and our financial advisors about the situation. I know I should be embracing the 180, but I have to tell you, when God speaks to me about something he doesn't beat around the bush AND He uses actual words....my job for now is to show WH unconditional love...it is what I needed from WH, and didn't get, when I was struggling over an issue....an issue that is at the crux of WH's un forgiveness and anger towards me.
So...yeah...the whole thing is messed up...but it is what it is for right now...also, one of my BFF's lives next door and she makes sure I'm taking care of myself and is on hand for any crying jags that require a girlfriend to come over and sit with me while the kids are at school.
Btw- did I mention that my husband insists he is living God's plan for him right now? That God brought OW to him to make him happy? Yeah. Part of his turmoil right now is that he wants to make sure that his decision is right in God's eyes.
Like I said...the whole thing is really messed up....