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holiday vent... should I say something or stay out of it

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Gottagetthrough posted 12/26/2013 23:02 PM

My mom is close to 80 and was alone at Christmas. I go every other year (in laws had this year)

My mom was telling my sister, who didn't visit her at all this year, that she was a little blue because we were all away this Christmas. Sister's hubby got on the phone and yelled at my mom, "cheer up damnit! And have a merry Christmas!"

My mom is older, and from a time and place that men just do not talk like that to women that the respect. She is offended. The next day, Christmas, mom got a call from sister who put her hubby on the phone. He asked, " so what did you do today "

Um... Nothing. She did answer nicer than that and said, I went to church, and its been pretty quiet.

He was with HIS family. Posting on Facebook about what a great Christmas is was. He just has no empathy.

They also did not send mom a gift. She went out of her way to mail them packages, but got nothing. She was hurt. (I did send her some gifts)

I really want to say something to my sister, but shit like this has happened before and she just takes his side, which is cool as a married couple, but come on, you need to be able to say don't curse at my mom.

Dudes a dick and won't change. Argh!!!!

Lionne posted 12/26/2013 23:25 PM

I think whatever you say to sister and the rude guy will fallmon deaf ears. Commiserate with your mom and let her know that you agree with her, validate her hurt and offended feelings. And make sure she has the best Christmas ever next year.

Sad in AZ posted 12/26/2013 23:30 PM

Exactly what scardyKat said. I know from years of experience that she's correct.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/27/2013 00:33 AM

Thanks guys I know you are right.

I just feel compelled to stick up for mom!!!

Next year is her year for Christmas, so its gonna be awesome. Mom actually said she held her tongue BC she didn't want my sister to not come next year BC of a spat

suckstobeme posted 12/27/2013 06:38 AM

I would stay out of it too and not start a feud with your sister.

But, if you live near your mom, why not have a celebration with her before or after the actual Christmas day the next time it's not her year? Have your own holiday anyway so that she at least feels like she got the experience. Then the actual day won't feel so empty for her if her family can't be around. Lots of people who have to share kids for the holidays do that. The date doesn't much matter as long as the celebration happened.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/27/2013 09:10 AM

great minds think alike, suckstobe me!

The kids and I are driving there for a visit when we get home from the inlaws. we are celebrating the first week of January. It still makes me sad, I might try the before Christmas visit next time this happens. December 15 seems "christmasy" while January 5 feels more like "you missed the holidays"

BIL has done stuff like this before, and when anyone says something about it, he blows up. He's just a jerk. Thank goodness they live fairly far away, I think mom or I would not be able to hold our toungues if he was closer and saying junk like this more often!

nowiknow23 posted 12/27/2013 10:15 AM

((((gotta's mom)))) What an ass.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/27/2013 12:12 PM

thanks guys. sis claims he was trying to be funny and make her laugh, which I bet he was, but sheesh! you don't talk to older ladies the same way you talk to your beer buddies!

Cally60 posted 12/27/2013 12:39 PM

This hits home for me. My mother and I live on different continents and my constant guilt and misery about it is all the more severe at holiday times. My husband is sympathetic, but doesn't really understand my emotional hand-wringing and all the family drama concerning The Holiday Problem.

Your brother-in-law is obviously clueless, as well as rude and totally lacking in empathy. But I'm wondering whether your sister was feeling very guilty that your mother was being left alone and it was this that prompted his horrible comments.

The charitable interpretation would be that he knew how guilty your sister already felt and saw her getting tearful at hearing your mother talking about feeling lonely. So he grabbed the phone to try to stop the comments and thus prevent your mother from upsetting your sister any further. And, being rude and clueless, he irritably said the first stupid thing that came into his head.

The less charitable interpretation is that there had been some disagreement about your mother's being left alone. So he was trying to silence any further protests from your sister about how they would spend Christmas, by bullying your mother into silence.

Does your BIL usually participate in telephone conversations with your mother? If not, it seems to me telling that your sister put your brother on the phone again the following day, even though he'd been so horrible. If my husband had been that rude to my elderly mother. I don't think I'd have let him speak to her the next day.

So what prompted it?

If Theory One is correct, your BIL may well have felt guilty about his rudeness. So he wanted to speak and his question about her day was his clumsy way of trying to make amends. It may seem crazy, but from my long personal experience, it is typical of an "apology" from a socially/emotionally inept man who's not good with words.

If Theory 2 is correct, then I'd be a little worried. Because I'd think that my sister might have been bullied into letting the husband talk. Either over her objections, or at his insistence so that he could crow afterwards that he'd been right; Mother had been fine; etc.

ETA: Your sister may have been telling the truth about his trying to be funny. Although my husband has never been intentionally rude to my mother, he sometimes makes fakes angry comments when I'm on the phone to her, and even though I explain that he's trying to joke about, I'm sure she doesn't believe me. But if I'm honest, I must also confess that occasionally I have pretended to her that a genuinely angry comment from him to me was merely a joke. :-(

[This message edited by Cally60 at 12:56 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Gottagetthrough posted 12/28/2013 02:24 AM

I think my bil was just trying to be funny. But he has no respect for her family. I've seen it again and again.


And to tick me off more, bil is on fb going off about a gift they ordered not being ready for their relative on time (they had ordered it several weeks ago). So, my sister apparently shopped for other family members, and received gifts from me and my mom (I gave her hubby a $50 gift certificate and her a gift set from Sephora) and I know my mom gave them good stuff... And... Nothing.

My sister even told me to make sure to put in a card for her step son who I have met 3 times and haven't seen in 15 years. He grew up mostly with his mom.

And then when my sister and bil need something, who do they hit up,for money? Oh yeah, my mom. Not bils mom... No... Of course not.

Eff I'm pissed off. Like REALLY pissed off.

Gottagetthrough posted 12/28/2013 02:30 AM

You know, I just realized what it is. ( dont you love how typing it out makes you realize what's going on)

My sister, since her birth, has been a follower. Seriously, on her nursery school report card, her teacher wrote how sis never leads play, but just follows the other kids. She always gets along with others thru this... I guess she has a really great dislike of conflict?

Well, bil is one of those know it alls... The guy who talks you're ear off and can't take a hint that you're not interested. His facts might be wrong, but he won't listen to you... He's ALWAYS right.

Bil doesn't value our family except what he can get out of it. He has influenced my sister, so she goes along with whatever he says.


[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 2:33 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

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