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Custody arrangements - nesting

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BeHappyAgain posted 12/27/2013 00:29 AM

Hello! I am in the beginning stages of working with an attorney to file for divorce. One of the potential custody arrangements that he mentioned was nesting (where the children never leave the home; the parents do). I'm wondering if anyone has any experience with this arrangement? If so, do you have any thoughts/recommendations to share?

I have to be honest that I feel this will make it hard for me to fully move on and heal......but I'm most concerned about stability for my children. There is also a comfort factor here knowing that my kids wouldn't be at a location that I have no access to with a SA who does god knows what on his own time with the lovely clientele you find on Craigslist.

Any insight would be appreciated!

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/27/2013 00:38 AM

I do know of at least one couple that did this -- but only until the divorce was final. They actually rented a one bedroom apartment and they switched where they lived. One week one, H would be with the kids in the house and W would be in the apartment and on Week Two, W would be with the kids in the house and H would be in the apartment.

This couple actually had a pretty nasty and drawn out divorce -- major issue was custody.

They are now divorced about 5 years or so and both remarried and Mom has primary custody with Dad getting 1/3/5th weekends. Interestly, Dad was the one that got the marital home, so the kids did end moving and until Mom got remarried about a year ago, the 3 kids lived with mom in a 2 bedroom apartment.

It worked for them -- but it's not something I would or could do. But neither of them would fold on custody until it went to trial.

ETA -- to add some info

[This message edited by ItHappened2Me2 at 12:43 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 12/27/2013 01:22 AM

A handful of folks here have done it. I'm thinking it was very hard on the parents.

My personal opinion is that it's an unnecessary burden on the parents. It creates undue emotional hardship on them, and that's going to affect their ability to heal as well as be good parents. I think children are capable of dealing with their parents being separated.

Further, you would have zero assurance that your STBX wouldn't be engaging in hookers & sex parties when he's there in the children's home. None. He's just as free to get his freak on there as he would be in his own place. Sadly, you cannot control anyone, particularly an addict. I know whereof I speak. You, as the safe parent, need to get sole custody if at all possible, with limited if any overnights.

ItHappened2Me2 posted 12/27/2013 02:04 AM

BeHappyAgain - I just read your profile (sorry I didn't do that before I replied previously).

Do not do nesting with this guy. He can have the kids at his parent's home when he sees them. No need for him to be in your home. And this:

You, as the safe parent, need to get sole custody if at all possible, with limited if any overnights.

nekorb posted 12/27/2013 07:26 AM

I asked my attorney about this when I went for consultation. He said the courts rarely go along with this plan and that the one time he saw it done it was a disaster.

So then we asked DD17's IC about it and she strongly advised AGAINST it. She said it creates all sorts of boundary issues between the ex spouses and it can be confusing for the kids.

I also have concerns about who WH would bring to the house, etc. ...I don't want to sleep in a bed that he has been in with someone else, potentially.

I'm still hoping the fog lifts and we get to try to R. If not, nesting is off the table as far as I'm concerned.

[This message edited by nekorb at 7:26 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

solus sto posted 12/27/2013 07:33 AM

Nesting can work (but is difficult), if a marriage has petered out and reached a non-acrimonious natural end upon which both parties agree, and neither harbors ill will or hurt.

I don't think that it works well when there are trust issues (as occur with infidelity). There is a sense of loss of privacy---and when cheating has tarnished our lives, I think it's important to, untethered, unwatched, and as though your space is YOURS, private, peaceful.

My kids would be VERY uncomfortable with nesting. They like that our house creates a boundary around us. Neither even likes having their father in our house, even though I don't mind. It feels "weird" to them.

It IS hard for kids to go from one house to another. But I have a very good friend who has nested for years, and that creates difficulties of its own. Not just for the parent who doesn't really feel as though she has a place of her own (which she doesn't, and won't until her youngest leaves next year), but because it affects the kids in ways she did not anticipate.

If one ex is an SA? No way. I don't want that shit in my house any more---and there's no keeping it out when there is addiction at play.

My kids have a hard enough time if their father comes into the house when he drops them off. Having his crappy behavior go on here? That would be a real issue for both.

MovingUpward posted 12/27/2013 07:35 AM

I did the nesting during the D process which was about 18 months. It was really hard. No safe place to keep your stuff. The biggest thing to deal with was all the memories were still there and that made healing very tough.

Then there'd be questions of who fixes things. Who pays the utilities and mortgage. Who cuts the grass. If your STBXS cannot work through a D settlement don't expect things will be easy working through the mechanics of nesting.

Once the D was over I felt at peace having my own place to live.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 7:36 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

homewrecked2011 posted 12/27/2013 08:31 AM

My main reason for saying no to this was :

I promised my children that from here on out the boundaries of our property was their safe place from the world. I promised no more drama from their Dad, no more arguing with Dad at our home. This was their place to "be". XWH has begun bringing OW on pickup, so after the holidays (because kids are with their Dad alot right now) I am having her served with a notice of no tresspass on my property, because this has become my "safe" place, too. It also states she cannot have contact with me, so maybe she will stay out of the store where I work.

You would have no control over who he brought into the house, and he could always leave with them on his visitation week and go to a lovers house. If you want to keep tabs on who is around them, you can hire a PI when they are with their Dad and have that person investigated.

In SC it is standard to have have no overnights with opposite sex unless related to them by blood or marriage. So, XWH thought he was above the law, had the kids there with her and 1 quick phone call to my atty ended that. Could you get this in your D possibly?

Good luck, and keep asking questions here because we care!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 8:32 AM, December 27th (Friday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 12/27/2013 09:09 AM

Just read your profile too. DO NOT try this with this man. You will never feel safe or secure.

BeHappyAgain posted 12/27/2013 11:01 AM

Thank you all for your feedback - it really helps me know that my concerns about it are not just me being selfish in this situation. I want to be FREE OF THIS MAN and his toxic ways, and I feel like it would be so unhealthy to continue to be around each other so much. When you look at it, it does seem like it would be easier for the kids to stay in their home. But you have all raised really good points about how that may not be the case. Thank you for that!

Nature_Girl, I so wish I could get sole custody. My attorney (whose wife is a family court judge) and IC both told me that in our state it is near impossible to get sole custody - unless he was viewing/acting out with minors. Makes me shudder to think that these behaviors are deemed as "acceptable." I'm doing everything my attorney has suggested to make sure that I have things set up in a way where he will get the least amount of custody possible.

Thanks again for your support.

Nature_Girl posted 12/27/2013 13:11 PM

I fought long & hard and paid $$$$$$$$$ to get sole legal & physical custody of my children. I had his hard drive forensically investigated and found thousands of extreme porn pics. I had tons of other evidence of his sexual sickness, including dating websites, sex photos, journals, other stuff in his handwriting. I forced a parenting evaluation to happen. The psychological testing showed he's a deeply disturbed individual.

I urge you to make a parenting evaluation happen. Get a "psycho/sexual" parenting evaluation, not just a cozy home study. It will cost you an incredible amount of money. Based on the description in your profile, your husband is a sick individual who should have NO custody or overnights with your children. He is a danger to them. PUSH your attorney on this.

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