"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Alyssamd24 posted 12/27/2013 08:39 AM

My BH has two close friends that he has known since middle school...they were all in each other weddings, we have gone away with the other couples before, and though my BH doesn't see these guys that often, when they do see each other they pick up right where they left off...I know both of these guys wives and we are all friendly when we get together with our husbands.

Since my A I have only seen these two couples a few times, but each time they were still friendly and polite towards me...I am assuming the wives know all the details of what has happened with me and my BH since he has gone to the two friends often throughout the last year.

My BH told me last night (and also posted a thread about it in general) that one of the friends (we will call him Bob) thinks that his wife (we will call her Sue) is having an EA. My BH is going to BOb's house today with the other friend....Bob hasn't confronted Sue yet but is planning on doing so.

Based on what my BH has told me, my own gut reaction, and the replies my BH has gotten on the thread it seems very likely that Sue is having an A.

My question is, when and if the A comes out should I reach out to Sue? She may not even want to hear it, but I feel bad for her....not that I condone her choices (if she is having an A) but I know what she is going through and I know she will need support too.

However she may not even want help cuz after finding out about my A, Bob And my BH got together one night and I guess she was upset that Bob was going to go and told him it was our problem and not.to get involved.

Has anyone else gone through a similar situation? How did it end up?
Or what would you do if you were faced with this.situation?

Brandon808 posted 12/27/2013 08:50 AM

I guess she was upset that Bob was going to go and told him it was our problem and not.to get involved.

My gut tells me that this reaction on her part wasn't about not wanting to get involved. It was discomfort because she was in an A herself.

I appreciate your desire to help but I think you need to be clear to yourself about this.You want to reach out and offer support as a WW who is trying to R. I would hold back and wait to see if this friend's WW even regrets her A much less wants to R. Be prepared for the possibility the friend's WW leaves her BH when the A is outed.

Aubrie posted 12/27/2013 11:32 AM

#1. Talk to your husband about it first.

#2. The other BH may not want you involved at all. Your husband is going to tell him about SI yes? The fine folks here will help guide him thru the process. He may or may not choose to enlighten his WW to SI. Bottom line, it all depends on her reactions on DDay.

#3. Beware getting involved with another couple shortly after their DDay. You don't want to get sucked into their drama. I understand the feeling of wanting to help. But it's their battle. You have enough on your plate. Don't let their drama distract you from your own work, which is far from over. I speak from experience.

womaninflux posted 12/27/2013 11:45 AM

As a BS, I agree with Aubrie. At best, it strains the relationship. At worst it can bring out the worst in everyone involved. Also, our MC brought up a few points when we talked about another couple who knew about my SAWH's affair…it introduces more triangulation and opportunity for secret keeping. "Don't tell X but Y said this…" As we all know…more secrets are the last thing we need.

I know your question comes from a good place - you want to help someone through the pain - but it's probably best to wait to help if asked and even then just limit what help you provide.

Alyssamd24 posted 12/27/2013 13:03 PM

Brandon,
I totally agree about that possibly being a reason she told him not to get involved and mentioned it to my BH last night.

Aubrie,

I did ask my BH about talking to her and said I would like to at least throw out the offer to her if it was ok with him. He said he wouldn't mind.

Yes I do believe he will direct his friend here to SI.

After reading all your responses and thinking more about it I understand the points you each made. I think at this point I will wait to see what happens and go from there