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t/j Living in limbo

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1bigidiot79 posted 12/27/2013 08:57 AM

Reading the thread on this got me to thinking about how you are supposed to do this. I have taken the advice of this site, books, IC and others and am doing everything I can do to help the situation but nothing is working. I too am in a state of limbo. I realize I am only 5 months out but I am worried because I really believe my BW when she says she is content to just live together co-parenting and just being friends and making no attempt at true R. As I've read here many times it takes two people for R to work.

One thing the original poster said that struck a chord with me is how hard it is to live that close to someone you love so much and not have them return that love. That hurts right now more than anything, just being so close but yet she is so far away.

What happens when the BS simply will not work on things, will not join you in the fight to R and will not entertain the idea of there ever being a better life ahead but is just content to live there co-existing but nothing more?

I am determined to make changes in my life regardless of what happens with my marriage but at what point do you say "you know what, I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't live the rest of my life in this limbo with no hope of things ever changing." I realize I have a long way to go before I would even consider that but at some point is there a breaking point if the BS doesn't want to R? I do realize I have destroyed her and I am committed to making this better for her becoming the husband she thought I was all along. I just struggle with the thought of her never coming around. I guess I have to accept that she could make that decision and I have to live with it but the whole "limbo" thing makes it even more complicated.

luvedmypbear posted 12/27/2013 09:09 AM


I am sorry for your pain. Limbo is complicated and extremely difficult. My xfwh and I lived that way for a long time and then released one another with D.....then tried again, had another child....then he had another trauma in his life (his father passed) and he immediately began seeing someone else and hiding from me again. R failed.

You do not sound like you are like my xfwh was.

It was difficult for me to try to R as a BS, but I read a few books and decided to "fake it until you make it". This helped me. Mostly because I didn't have to fake the love. My love didn't fall off the earth when I accidentally "caught" my xfwh and my former friend.......I always loved him. I was just protective of myself after the initial shock wore off.

Your BW may just be protecting herself right now.

Please talk and talk some more about how you are feeling and listen when she is able to talk with you. I have seen so much success here that I know it is possible. I am hopeful for you that limbo will give way to R.

1bigidiot79 posted 12/27/2013 10:48 AM

Your BW may just be protecting herself right now.
That's exactly what she is doing right now. She is in full fledged survival mode. Just recently she opened a bank account in her name and has started putting money in it. We had some funds set aside for some things and after my agreeing to it, took half of it. She hasn't told me but I know she is stashing money back to put into it. She will not talk about it which is another story. We are still married, I feel like I have a right to know where OUR money is but I'm not allowed to ask about it.

On an everyday basis she is friendly to me, talks to me about everything other than our situation and tries to act like everything is otherwise ok. How do you live like that? She won't talk about it, she won't entertain the idea of MC and says this is just how it is and how it's going to be.

I want this to work and am doing everything I can possibly do to help her but like I said earlier, you can't attempt R until both parties are on board.

It was difficult for me to try to R as a BS, but I read a few books and decided to "fake it until you make it".
I guess this is the best I can hope for right now. It's just so damn hard knowing that in my heart I now realize the person I was and am committed to lasting change. I know if she would ever take the protective wall down major progress would follow. I'm just going to keep on loving her and working hard and just hope and pray that eventually the wall will begin to crack and eventually crumble. In the mean time I guess this limbo is my new reality.

cissie posted 12/28/2013 16:14 PM

I am sorry to see you are here. I hope that you have a better result than I have.

I did everything wrong, I was so afraid he would leave me, but what I have now has been compounded by years of hiding and trickle truth.

The only thing you can do is to make sure you have been completely honest and open with your BS, and have left no shady details to be discovered in the future. It is early days for you, and I hope that your BS will come to a stage when she can contemplate counseling with you.

For us, because of our ages this whole thing would actually look pretty ridiculous to the people who have not been in the infidelity club, but I assure you it gets no less painful with age.

Lionne posted 12/28/2013 18:17 PM

BS here. Almost 5 years out. I think I am FINALLY starting to heal. That's right. It has really taken me 5 years. And my SAFWH has been transparent from the beginning, has not acted out since 2004, and all secrets were out on the table in January 2009. He hasn't been perfect, but he has worked his TAIL off to make me feel safe and secure, make me feel that he would never leave me, never cheat again and never give up on us.

She is most likely in survival mode. You blew up her world! All the things you read about betrayal and loss are magnified when it comes to marital infidelities. Man, at that point in our lives I was barely functioning, unable to get out of bed some weekends, spending the occassional day crying and asking him the same questions over and over and over. "why?" "what's wrong with me?" "how could you do this?"

The best thing you can do is be consistent in you presence in you marriage and in your recovery. Let her know through word and action that you are sorry and that you will never abandon her again. Make sure she knows that you are willing to listen to her when she needs to talk about IT or anything else.

Allow her the safety net she is providing for herself. SHE CANNOT TRUST YOU AT THIS POINT. Why should she? Make sure she has access to any and all of your accounts, emails, etc. Be completely and utterly transparent and ALWAYS be where you are supposed to be. Check in with her during the time you are away.

Give her time and the gift of consistency. Only then will you give her the opportunity to heal.

Best of luck.


20WrongsVs1 posted 12/28/2013 19:46 PM

at what point do you say "you know what, I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't live the rest of my life in this limbo with no hope of things ever changing."

Only you can say when that point is reached. We're about 8 months in, and I'm trying to imagine what it'd be like if my BS were behaving the way yours is. This is arbitrary, but I'd say give it at least a year. But if 18+ months pass and nothing has changed? At all? I might start giving up hope, and making some hard decisions to secure my chance at resuming some semblance of a real life.

I've never seen you minimize your indiscretions, your dishonesty, and I'll try not to either...but TBH it requires some effort. Is there any chance your BW had been unhappy in the M, and this is a convenient "out" for her? Her unwillingness to even speak about it is distressing, and, in my armchair shrink opinion, points to an underlying issue that she needs to deal with. For her own sake. And your family's. The ostrich act isn't healthy.

Yes, the financial thing would be a problem for me, yes you both have an equal right to the family finances unless one of you is foolishly squandering it. Did you, umm, pay for porn? I mean, a significant amount...let's say more than $200 a year? I can see where a WS was paying hookers or blowing hundreds or thousands of dollars on 900 phone sex numbers (or whatever the cyber equivalent) that the BS may feel a need to protect the family's assets.

Has your wife talked to anyone? A trusted friend, a family member, a clergy person? I'm very concerned for her mental health. And you can take only so much blame for that.

Steppenwolf posted 12/29/2013 02:08 AM

For me, reaching this point was when I really started to get it:

but at what point do you say "you know what, I don't want to live like this anymore. I can't live the rest of my life in this limbo with no hope of things ever changing."

It's when I stopped trying to predict the future and stopped going down Manipulation Blvd. I started to focus on me. What was I going to change about me and how could I better myself? Of course I wanted things to work out for us; more than anything. But I wanted an authentic relationship; one without games and manipulation and tip toes or hiding, controling, guessing. Limbo gave me that opportunity hard as it was because it forced me into mindful living in the moment and away from trying to control cause and effect.

I realize I have a long way to go before I would even consider that but at some point is there a breaking point if the BS doesn't want to R?

In my very humble opinion, the biggest breaking point occurred on DDay. Work on yourself and hope BS does too and communicate. Limbo, Reconcilation, Separation, Divorce? None of it is easy and none of it is concrete. They are transitions, and there is no way to write the end of a transition first.

Sammy2013 posted 12/29/2013 09:45 AM

BS here, and only a couple of months out. Your BS is in total survival mode. Not discussing it is a tool she is using to keep herself intact for now. The thing is, the timeline for the BS healing isn't set in stone. Their are stages, but no timeline. What takes in BS a month to process and move from might take another 6 months or a year. And there is no right or wrong time (something I was told in IC when I asked when I could expect a certain stage to pass).

I shut down after DDay. It was horrible. The times I had to function (WH travels for work and I have three kids) I had to shut it off. In order to function, I had to block and not talk or think about it. We went into IC and MC within days of DDay, which helped. WH can say anything he wants, but his actions are what are fueling me right now. Total transparency, working in himself for himself, not just our marriage. I needed to see that no matter what he didn't want to be that person who cheated on me. That even if we split, he wanted to be a better man. He is completely remorseful and appalled at what he has done to me. He was gone for DDay so didn't see what I actually did to me. I had an episode the day after Christmas and he got a glimpse. He was mortified. It was important hat he got this.

So, as a BS, I can only offer what I need in this situation. Total transparency, total honesty in everything, not just affair related things, work on yourself. Show her you are changing. At some point she will have to face it. IC for you. MC would help, but she isn't there yet. Is there a possibility she gets comfortable in the denial and never moves past that? Yes. Entirely possible. The pain is very hard to face. But you are very early out. Show her you are worth her working through this pain. Because it is constant when we do open ourselves up for it. And the BS is faced with having to put our hearts and trust into the one person who stomped on it to begin with. It's a very painful and difficult thing to do.

Best of luck.

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