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Double betrayal with emotion vs just sex

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million tears posted 12/27/2013 11:04 AM

I know my first dday was quite a while ago but there is something that I just can't get over. He cheated with his best friend's wife. Not only did he do this to me but also to his best friend. The 4 of us did everything together during the A. How could he and the OW act normal with their dirty little secret? I think that takes a special kind of asshole.

His second dday was with our friend AND her husband. They didn't go all the way but the kissing and fondling were just as bad. Just sex. How can sex be so important?

LostSamurai posted 12/27/2013 11:17 AM

Believe it or not, sex for men is like affection for women. Men feel emotional towards someone they have sex with. It gives us that feeling of love, at least it does for me.

When a women has sex with a man, it speaks volume. It says:
"I desire you..."
"I want you like nothing matters..."
"I will do whatever to make you feel love..."

Just compare it to when you get affection and how special you feel. Either way, all these should be reserved for our spouses... It sucks when you know that boundaries have been crossed.

I know our WS become this selfish creature that believes:
1. I am entitled to this
2. I have a need and I need it met by any means necessary.

Affairs are like drugs, candy for a broken soul. Why would someone choose their best friends wife or any friend of the family...

POOR BOUNDARIES to start, and at some point, they cross a boundaries slowly before they realize it is too late and then they are caught up in their web, their drug and just let go of is right and wrong and just all out no matter what the cost. They create a fantasy between themselves built on their own desires and lies while avoiding all the responsibility of real relationships.

No one gets hurt if they don't know about, and we don't have to suffer if no one knows. This life is absolutely polluted and built around lies and secrecy with no truth. It's built around making each other happy no matter what to keep the drug coming.

TrustGone posted 12/27/2013 11:23 AM

I will also never understand how my WH could just have sex with someone for as long as he did with what he says was no emotional attachment on his part. Of course he convinced his whore he would leave me and that he loved her. Stupid whore was still falling for it 3yrs later when he finally threw her under the bus with her cheap engagement ring he got her during year 2 of their A to shut her up. It still boggles my mind of how he could compartmentalize it for so long. It also hurts to know that he is the type of person that I would have never dated, much less married had I know how truely heartless he really is.

Jesu posted 12/27/2013 19:34 PM

Sex is extremely important to me. It's one of the main reasons I would ever enter into a committed relationship with someone. It's also one of the main reasons I would leave someone...if the sex dried up.

Of course being sexually or emotionally unfulfilled doesn't give anyone the right to cheat.

The truth is though that most men cheat due to a physical unfulfillment, and most women cheat due to an emotional unfulfillment within their relationships.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/27/2013 19:53 PM

The truth is though that most men cheat due to a physical unfulfillment, and most women cheat due to an emotional unfulfillment within their relationships.
I don't believe this at all. There are WH's who's BW's had sex with them everyday or practically everyday. They still cheated. There are BH's here who were there 100% there for their WW's emotionally and they still cheated.

The main reason that people cheat is because they have poor coping mechanism's, poor boundaries, FoO issues, poor self esteem, need constant external validation, and are selfish assholes.

LostSamurai posted 12/30/2013 09:17 AM

The truth is though that most men cheat due to a physical unfulfillment, and most women cheat due to an emotional unfulfillment within their relationships.

I don't believe this at all. There are WH's who's BW's had sex with them everyday or practically everyday. They still cheated. There are BH's here who were there 100% there for their WW's emotionally and they still cheated.
The main reason that people cheat is because they have poor coping mechanism's, poor boundaries, FoO issues, poor self esteem, need constant external validation, and are selfish assholes.

I have to agree with that. My WW said she was looking for someone to take care of her... That is the biggest CROC I ever heard, and she going to sleep with 2 men...

Ostrich80 posted 12/30/2013 09:48 AM

I agree with SisterM....I don't think my ws went looking for sex . We were having sex but we had a huge wall between us emotionally. I think he was looking for a connection then the sex followed. Rather than invest time in fixing our problems, he went looking elsewhere, someone to tell him what a great guy he was.

Sammy2013 posted 12/30/2013 10:04 AM

Yeah, I with sisterMilkshake on his too. Our sex life was extremely active and always amazing (everyday before he started to travel and twice a day when he was home). WH felt an emotional detachment and instead of coming to me (because nothing had changed in my eyes) he went elsewhere. He sees now that he was delusional. But he didn't cheat due to lack of physical fulfillment.

As for the sex being so important? I know it was huge for me when I found out it went beyond EA. But to my WH sex was very spiritual for him. It was how he showed me he loved me. It was very emotional for both of us, even during the A when I was clueless. So when I found out they had sex, it destroyed me. Knowing he tried to get that connection with someone else was heartbreaking.

Angel177 posted 12/30/2013 13:15 PM

My wh cheated on me with his best friends wife too and she was my friend though we had drifted apart by dday it still hurts like hell and now I don't have any interest in having friends. What's the point? It's amazing how much this affair has taken from me.

Also wh and I were having more sex during the affair then we had been having before because we were trying to have another baby. Of course having a baby became my main focus with sex and not purely satisfying his "needs" her on the other hand she was "his own personal prostitute that he didn't have to pay" (how special right?)

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