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Would you tell her?

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HurtAtTheShore posted 12/27/2013 11:18 AM

I'm going to try to condense this, but feel free to ask questions if I'm not being clear about something.

Before I married my WH (we're divorcing) I was engaged to another man. Over the years we'd email birthday or holiday greetings back and forth occasionally. When he got married I emailed him a congrats, etc.

This past spring he started texting me occasionally about how is work would take him near my house & how we should go out to lunch. I kept putting him off and our conversation died out. Then a few months ago he started up again. Once a week or so I'd get a "hey how are you doing" message.

Then he'd call occasionally.

This all went on during "working hours"

you see where this is going, right?

It got more frequent after I told him I was getting divorced. I told him that I felt he needed to know that I was no longer married because it changed the dynamic of the friendship. We were no longer 2 married friends. He said no big deal.

Around Thanksgiving he called and I missed it. When I went to call him back he was in the process of calling is wife. I said "go call her I'll talk to you later" and he said "no, I want to talk to you"

this bothered me and I later I started asking him in text if his wife knew about our friendship, he said yes. I called bullshit.

I invited him and his wife to come join my birthday celebration and he declined stating she was not comfortable being I was an ex. "but she's ok with all the texting and talking we do?"

He said she was but the conversations stopped thankfully. One message on my birthday, one on his and nothing else.

Yesterday I got a "hope your holidays were good" email.

I wrote back thanks and then because I had a buzz (it was 11pm, his email was from the morning *during working hours*) I text him "why are you emailing me instead of texting, I'm not mad at you"

yes, I was up to no good. If he thinks for half a minute that I will be a party to him contacting another woman against his wife's wishes, he's got another thing coming.

I got an email back this morning that yes, the wife was unhappy with the amount of texting and calls so he sent an email so it wouldn't upset her.

I ended the friendship right there. I told him that I had my own issues to deal with and had no time for whatever was causing him to continually contact me when his wife was not happy about it. I am no home wrecker.

He swears up and down that he's not doing anything wrong.

I'm considering messaging her to say that I felt the amount of time he and I spent talking or texting was wrong and that I was sorry if it caused her any stress. I also would say that I asked him several times if she knew about our friendship. I want her to know that I told him no more.

But should I? It's not really my business, I don't know the woman at all... but with all that I've been through with my own marriage, I wonder if it's clouding my judgement and that I should tell her so she does not get blindsided...

What do you think?

Girlietoo posted 12/27/2013 11:24 AM

My opinion- you did the right thing but shouldn't contact her.

painfulpast posted 12/27/2013 11:25 AM

I hope he realizes that lying and hiding relationships with other women is absolutely doing something wrong.

I think I would simply apologize to her, tell her that you had been told that she was ok with the friendship, and that since you learned that she was uncomfortable with it, you have ended all contact.

After that, I'd let it go. If she asks you more questions, answer them, but the simple message above may ease her fears and tell her that it wasn't an affair.

tushnurse posted 12/27/2013 11:49 AM

This is tricky, I mean he probably has been exhibiting weak boundaries all along, that was why she was leary of the texts, and is now watching his phone. My suspicion is it's not just you. But I could be wrong.

The easiest thing to do would to be not contacting her, but having been on the other side of this, I sure would have liked to known if my H was fishing prior to his actual A.

I think I would get her contact info, preferably and email address, and create one of my own, and send her an email stating the facts of the situation, what you have done to end it, and share your personal experience of having been cheated on makes you more sensitive to this than others would be. Apologize for causing any unknown angst, Wish her all the best, and be done.

BAB61 posted 12/27/2013 11:54 AM

TushNurse said it best. I would want to know. Also tell her you will be blocking him, then block him.

million tears posted 12/27/2013 12:19 PM

If he is doing this to you, he may be doing it to other women. Someone else might not have the morals you do and would hook up with him or it could happen later down the line.

I would tell her so she knows what kind of person he is.

cl131716 posted 12/27/2013 12:22 PM

This is tricky, I mean he probably has been exhibiting weak boundaries all along, that was why she was leary of the texts, and is now watching his phone. My suspicion is it's not just you. But I could be wrong.

I think you are right about that. He sounds a lot like my WH. Unfortunately, after D-day I verified many of his past stories and brought innocent people into the drama. I didn't mean to but hey it was a pattern with him and I wanted to make sure there was only one. One never responded back and the other one responded in a very odd way. I still have sort of a question mark over that one but whatever. My point is, if she has already caught him doing such things then she is probably on high alert, rightfully so. E-mailing her might give her a peace of mind.

She may not believe you, however. Both of the OW I caught WH talking to pretty much told me the same thing he did so I am pretty sure he spoke to them beforehand. I had evidence that told another story. Let me say, there is nothing like being lied to by not one but two people about the same thing when the evidence is so clearly in your face. SMH

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