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ziganska posted 12/27/2013 11:47 AM

Just when I think it can't get any worse, it does. How is it that I was (seemingly) more functional when I first found out than I am now, almost 4 weeks later? I've entered into a really angry phase where anything sets me off. My H and I can't have a single peaceful conversation without me pursing my lips, squinting my eyes, and spewing venom in his way. Now, he does deserve to see/feel/experience my pain/hurt/anger, as what he's receiving is NOTHING compared to what I what I'm going through. But even I don't like feeling this way. I throw things, I hurt myself, I say really disgusting things and it feels really good for that millisecond and then it doesn't. I do breathing exercises, I walk, I pace, it takes an incredibly long time to simmer down and if he looks at me the wrong way, I'm back to going through the roof.

What I'm finding I'm doing now (and would love to get your opinions) is that I'm threatening him. We're in R with 4 sessions a week, yes, but that still doesn't always help when we're alone at home. I want revenge on her, I want to tell her boss, I want her to be homeless and resorting to turning tricks on the highway like the slut that she obviously wants to be. I tell him that either I can call her boss or he can. And then we get into the WW3. I get enraged like the Incredible Hulk when he says no because to me, that means he's protecting her and he doesn't want her to lose her job or get punished. He says I don't know how she'll retaliate and I say I'm ready for whatever that bitch thinks she can dish out because she can't live her merry little life thinking that she can do this and not face consequences. So I start saying that this issue is not dead and it's a dealbreaker for me in terms of our R and he better rethink that decision, etc.

I know it's not necessarily the most healthy response but I want to exact revenge big time and the fact that he doesn't want to sends me into this fire-fueled rage that I've never experienced before. Can anyone help?

painfulpast posted 12/27/2013 12:05 PM

We've all wanted revenge at some point or another.

I'm curious - why her boss? Did she have sex at work or something? It seems a little odd.

Here is something you need to remember - if you tell her boss, if she is fired, if she ends up homeless and turning tricks to get by, you will still have been betrayed. Nothing is going to take your pain away. I'm not saying don't get revenge. Many here will, but I'm of the opinion that causing pain for AP does not take away my 'better person' status. I didn't sleep with a married man. I simply told people that she did.

Having said that, I did nothing except tell her OBS, and that is because I truly believe he deserved to know. Did I care that it would screw up her life? Nope, not one bit, but it wasn't for revenge.

Regarding protecting AP, your husband will feel guilt if you destroy her. You are doing so because of him, so yes, he will feel some responsibility. Also, he did exactly what she did - so why is she the only one to be destroyed?

You are angry. You are seething, and you want justice. I completely get that, trust me. I really do. I spent over a year daydreaming about sending her sexts to her daughter's FB friends the day before her daughter's graduation. I wanted payback, and humiliating her in the small town she lives in would be amazing. Yes, her daughter would be hurt, but I saw that as collateral damage. Too bad. Again - I did not do this. But I thought about it, a lot.

In the end, I had to accept that my real anger was with my H, and I was focusing it all on her because accepting that he did this was too much. I could work on R with him, and direct my rage at her. The problem with that is that the rage belonged with my H, and staying stuck on her kept me stuck because there was no relief.

There is no real justice in an affair. There is no good reason for them. There are no winners in the end, but the BS is the real loser. You are hurt, humiliated, confused, and worst of all, you still love your spouse, and that pisses you off.

If you are hurting yourself, you need to see an IC instead of spending 4 days a week in MC. Also, that seems so excessive. I'm amazed that an MC even had that kind of time. It almost seems that you're being taken advantage of by a not-so-busy MC. Maybe not, but it sure looks like that.

In the end, your H is never going to agree to you getting revenge. If that is what you are waiting for, you will stay angry. You can do it, and the odds are that he won't leave, but he won't agree, or help, so please stop letting that be your focus. You won't heal if you stay on that. Focus on real issues.

And yes, it's normal to become more of a mess before getting better. There is a shock in the beginning that keeps some of the pain at a distance. It's a self preservation tactic. Slowly the pain comes back in though, and you need to deal with it.

Are you in any kind of IC?

ziganska posted 12/27/2013 12:13 PM

Thanks for your helpful words, PP. The reason all my eggs are in the basket of telling her boss is that her job is also where she lives. If she loses her job, she loses where she lives (I don't want to go in too much detail in case she's trolling here). It's such a slam dunk with one call.

In my brain, I know that's misdirected anger and wasted focus but I have some weird fantasy about my H wanting to do this too because he hates her so much and the experience bonds us together. I hate thinking for one minute that he DOESN'T want her in pain because I equate that with him missing her or worse, not wanting her life ruined. Isn't my life now ruined? And I didn't do anything!

We're actually seeing two therapists for MC--one is my own therapist and the other is his. When all this came out 4 weeks ago, I was in such distress that we called both and demanded sessions immediately. Since then, we've just had 2 sessions with either therapist a week. That will peter out eventually as we don't have that kind of money. Plus I agree that we each need IC at some point soon. But we're in such a crisis mode now that I just benefit from the face time with these professionals. It's also so effing slow at work for me now and won't pick up until late Jan that I'm trying to occupy my time with these sessions. I guess the lack of constructive work is also leading my head to think of these nasty revenge schemes.....

It's so maddening.....

painfulpast posted 12/27/2013 12:21 PM

I have some weird fantasy about my H wanting to do this too because he hates her so much and the experience bonds us together.

I think this is the real issue. You want him to be on your side, and you feel like he's on hers. He isn't on hers. He's with you. He's on your side. That doesn't mean he doesn't realize that a person's life would be destroyed because of what he did. He was a participant too, and to destroy her because of what he did with her? That's a lot to ask of anyone.

Again, I know your pain. I was angry longer than most. I was of the opinion that my WH didn't matter, and if I said or did something he didn't like, tough shit. If I wanted to destroy her, or him, tough shit. He did this, and I would do whatever I wanted in reaction. After all, there would be no action on my part if they hadn't been so sleazy.

The key word there is 'they'. Not 'her', 'they'. This is why your H is against you destroying her - because it would be because he betrayed you. He would have that guilt AND the guilt that his AP, a person no more or less guilty than he is in generally, and less guilty than he in hurting you, would be ruined.

He isn't defending her. He's avoiding guilt.

Again, destroying her won't take your pain away. It may make you smile, but it won't take away your pain, at all. You will still agonize over why he did it. You will still rage at almost anything he does. You will still feel immense pain.

You need to just block her, realize she was just an outlet that your H used to feel better, and focus on why. She's nothing, and you should treat her as such.

million tears posted 12/27/2013 12:27 PM

Does she have children? THAT is the only thing that kept me from getting OW fired. Her boss is a very strict Mormon and she told my WH she would get fired if her boss ever found out. She was a dental hygienist and she also cleaned WH's teeth for free. It was so HARD not to tell her boss but I had to think of the others who would be hurt.

ziganska posted 12/27/2013 12:28 PM

Wow, PP. You have really given me food for thought and you put it in a perspective I have not be able to see thus far. I'm amazed at where my anger takes me. You should've heard the really evil things I said to him in the heat of the moment. I was shocked they were coming out of my mouth...I hardly ever curse and I was saying words and phrases I didn't even know existed. I wanted to cut him down to size and I guess scare him with my threat. I even told him "I'm around a phone all day, what's going to stop me from calling. You can't do anything." I even thought about what I'd say and was egging myself on in my head. I'd sit in the office with the door closed and stare at the phone receiver and think--am I going to do it? If I pick up the receiver, I'll do it. It was like a scene out of a movie where my hand started moving towards the phone....but something stopped me. I'm still tempted very time I see a phone, which is always. I really have to work on this.

ziganska posted 12/27/2013 12:32 PM

Million Tears,

No, she doesn't have children and she's not married. She's practically a child herself, 26 (makes me so sick; my H is 49). What kills me is that she comes from a bad background and finally found a job and place where she's thriving. Part of why she made this huge adjustment in her life is because my H encouraged her to do so....he not only told her that she needed to do this in her life to better herself, he bought her the train ticket to this new life (luckily, it was only, like, $25 but the point that he did that kills me).

My H also told me that she complained about always being the OW in past relationships so the very moral person in me wants her to know--guess what, you slut, you don't always have to be the OW? But if you continue to spread your legs for married men, it's going to catch up to you one day and that one day is now.

Okay, blood is boiling, I will stop typing....though maybe typing it out is better than doing the real thing.

MindMonkey posted 12/27/2013 13:32 PM

I know that feeling all to well. If I saw OM with a shopping cart full of plastic bottles I would howl with delight.

So I sent some emails to some folks I thought would have some bearing on his future. Nothing but crickets. In my head, I imagine these folks gave him a "high five" for banging the hot nurse instead of a reprimand. That pisses me off more than him getting away scot-free.

You have so much rage. I'm so sorry, it's a terrible emotion and probably one you've never had to deal with before. I know for me, DDay was the first time I EVER felt rage and it continually got worse until the two month point. Hang in there.

sisoon posted 12/27/2013 13:48 PM

How do you blow up?

If you blow by calling your H names, threatening more revenge than just against ow, etc., you might get some relief by changing to 'I statements', like:

I'm furious at you for....
I'm angry that you did....
I'm so angry that I want to....

Also, at our MC's urging, every time I found myself angry at ow, I stopped and reminded myself that my W could have and should have said 'No'. After all, my W made promises to me. ow owed me nothing. My beef was with my W.

Initially, feeling angry towards your WS is very scary if you want R. Even so, that's where the anger really belongs.