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No Contact w/BS is killing me

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Prayingforhope posted 12/27/2013 13:59 PM

Early days in the disaster I created - 2 months since DDay and almost a month since I moved out of the house at the request of my BS.

Of all the things that I thought would be hard, living alone, leaving the kids, giving up all finances, privacy, passwords, killing friendships that enabled my A, everything, the hardest thing to deal with is not having contact with my BS.

It's just eats me up and every day it gets worse and worse. Amazing that I did this to my best friend and by default have sacrificed the most important person I had to talk with in my life. And now nothing - just logistics around kids, house, etc.

It takes every bone in my body to not write her, text her, call her and tell her how I feel, but everything I have read says this is a no-no. It only makes it worse as she needs the space for her own healing.

I miss her more than I could have ever imagined and it hurts. Who would have thought I would pray just to be able to have a cup of coffee and chat with my wife?

This really is a ruined life.

LosferWords posted 12/27/2013 19:12 PM

Hi Prayingforhope,

Just wanted to let you know that you have been heard.

You are dealing with some serious and hurtful consequences as a result of your actions, but you don't need to be told that.

What actions are you taking right now to dig in to the issues that you had that enabled you to have an affair?

This is not a ruined life, even when it feels hopeless at times. Now is the time to stand up and fight, even if it means making yourself a repaired person the goal. Especially so.

We're here to rally around you, and give you the advice that you need, even if it is tough to hear at times.

Hang in there, and keep working, reading, and posting.

What are you doing with your time away from family?

Take care, and welcome to SI.

Prayingforhope posted 12/28/2013 10:28 AM

LosferWords, thanks for the note. It's amazing how helpful it is to know I'm not alone in this.

Your questions are the key ones and I am tackling this two ways, first I've set up a schedule of weekly counseling sessions to both get me through these early days AND dig DEEP into the underlying issues. That is a combination of weekly visits with my Priest (I never would have thought that was useful but it helps a ton), the couples counselor I see with my BS and most importantly, my IC sessions.

IC is twice a week with lots of homework and frankly, the sessions are making me come apart at the seams. Before my A exploded my family I was a pretty emotion-less guy. Now...NOW...I am crying at the drop of a hat. A song, a question from the kids, a memory, you get the idea. I have no idea if tears mean progress but something is going on with me through this process.

That's the fight to find me, and the other fight is for my wife, for my family. I'm still dealing with the fact that the conclusion of the second fight it out of my control, but I am giving it my all.

I have a contract with my wife during the separation that lays out my commitments to her during this process: No drinking, no relationships, no private emails, GPS tracker on me at all times, no access to finances, new phone number, no holiday parties, no after work get-togethers, no contact with enabling friends, no access to house without permission, etc.

After reading a lot about these types of contracts, I am hoping we are laying some sort of new foundation between the two of us. Time will tell on that, but I am following to the letter of the law and doing everything above and beyond I can imagine to further help her and the kids.

That being said, I am ALWAYS looking for more ways to take care of myself or my family during my away time. At the advice of my IC, I am reading a revealing book called "I don't want to talk about it", which also helps.

Thanks for listening...

LosferWords posted 12/29/2013 15:24 PM

Sounds like you are doing some really good work during your time away from family. Keep it up!

The book "I Don't Want To Talk About It" got some good reviews. I may have to check that one out myself.

I see in your other thread that someone recommended "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair", which is a great read. Understanding where your BS is coming from, and working towards having some empathy for what she is feeling and going through is key.

That's the fight to find me, and the other fight is for my wife, for my family. I'm still dealing with the fact that the conclusion of the second fight it out of my control, but I am giving it my all.

It really is important to let go of the outcome. Thisis important for both the BS and the WS. Your wife will need to let go of the outcome in order to realize that she can move on independently if she wishes to do so. This is an important part of her healing. For the WS, an important part of your healing is realizing that this is something that you need to do first and foremost for yourself, despite what the outcome may be. Healing yourself from the inside out will improve the chances that your wife will want to accept you back, but will by no means guarantee it.

Keep up the good work. I'm really glad to see that you are continuing to post here, and that you are getting some good feedback.

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