"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Aubrie posted 12/27/2013 18:06 PM

If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.

I came across this on Pinterest. As ridiculous as the above quote is, the comments were even more interesting. Everything from "Love this quote! So true!" to "If that's how you really believe, you need to get your butt in therapy to find out what your deal is".

To just about everyone on SI, this one is a no-brainer. There is a difference between love and luuuurv, as folks around here put it.

Love is my husband accepting and adoring me at my best and absolute worst.

Love is working at all hours of the day and night to provide for us. Love is making sacrifices for our family.

Love is holding my hand and passing Kleenex when I get sick. It's working together, scrubbing the floors when the kids get a virus and don't make it to the bathroom in time. It's late nights, early morning, and sleep deprivation. It's dark circles under the eyes, and groggy voices.

Love is being by my side thru 2 pregnancies, one uneventful, the other stressed with suicidal tendencies and almost losing the baby during delivery. Love is sitting in the floor with me while I suffered a miscarriage. It's understanding and helping me thru the grief process that I had suppressed for 5 years.

Love is late bills, flat tires, dirty laundry, morning breath and sleepy eyes, boring household chores, weeding the garden, bedtime stories, kids sneaking in our room during a thunderstorm, passing kisses in the hallway, burnt dinners and desserts that flopped.

Love is when you confess your infidelity, you look up into their tear filled eyes and hear, "I forgive you. I will give you another chance. Do not mess this chance up. I love you and am willing to do what it takes to make this work."

Love is dealing with the rollercoaster of reconciliation. Learning to communicate. Learning what makes us tick. Reliving nightmares from the past.

Love is doing the hard work.

Luuuurv is the fantasy. Airbrushed, photoshopped images of us at our very best in the most flattering angles. Perfectly lit selfies that you take over and over till you get just the right shot. Then it's sent to your affair partner with a catchy little saying or flirty line.

It's well worded texts and emails that do nothing but flatter one another's egos. It's commiserating with one another over your miserable, passionless marriage and how you want more in life.

It's all "sweetness" and smiles. He holds the door open for you. You "accidentally" brush against his body in the hallway at work. Flirty smiles are passed across the board room. He leaves suggestive little notes in your purse. You give him "surprises" in the car when you sneak off to lunch together.

Lurv is getting cash out of the ATM so you can buy gifts for your affair partner and your spouse cannot track your cash purchase. That gift is purchased in the name of "love". All the while, you're stealing money from your own family to do so.

It's getting up in the middle of the night to check your email and texts to see if you've gotten a message from them. As your spouse lays unknowingly beside you, you send a sexually explicit image of yourself to your affair partner with an "XO see you tomorrow".

It's sneaking around, and stolen moments with someone you've built a fantasy world with. They are moments that were taken from your real family. The fantasy world is more fun than reality. You neglect your children. You don't have time for them because you're to worried about getting your next "fix".

Lurv is lying to the AP to make them feel better about themselves and yourself. You paint yourself as this amazing, fabulous person. When in reality, you are both sadly, terribly broken.

I think for myself the answer is clear. I'll take the first one. And never, ever take it for granted again.

A formerly wayward friend of mine had this to say about the matter of love:

I asked him why he married me as I am so different from what he came from. I literally turned his world upside down. Why would he want that?

He came up with that he loved me at the time with what he knew of love, of course he had really no idea of what real love was, that would come later. With bills, and babies, and the various things that life throws at you. That shows you what real love is. If you you are going to stick with that person through all of that. That was when he knew he really loved me, he wanted to be with me through all of that too.

Daisy1967 posted 12/27/2013 18:12 PM

Very good. And very true.

AML04 posted 12/27/2013 21:19 PM

You have me in tears. Thank you so much for posting this.

[This message edited by AML04 at 9:19 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Steppenwolf posted 12/27/2013 23:03 PM

This is the shitznit. Thanks

Trying33 posted 12/27/2013 23:07 PM

One of my fave posts. Thanks for bumping.

Helped me so much in the first few months after D-day. Made me cry hysterically then.

Didn't make me cry this time. I'm hoping that means progress.

sad34 posted 12/28/2013 00:00 AM

I know I'm no where near healed when the part that almost made me cry was now knowing what he was doing behind my back. Knowing that all that time he was thinking of that low life whore instead of putting me first when I always put him first.
People say it's in the past, I say it's actually my present:(
But thanx for reposting!

1owner posted 12/28/2013 07:06 AM

Thank you for posting this.

KBeguile posted 12/28/2013 07:34 AM

Indeed. This is very true on all accounts. Thank you.

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 08:25 AM

Perfectly lit selfies that you take over and over till you get just the right shot.

This made me laugh. I've had a few 'angry' moments where I called my H out on doing push ups to pump up his body before the shots were taken (very obvious to me, who knows him, but not OW) and laughed at him for being 'pathetic' for doing it. Yes, it was my hurt talking, but it really got to him. He just looked down, looking very embarrassed.

It also made him see just how unreal any of it was.

My DDay is 3 years this week. I'm farther out, so I can laugh at some things much more freely now, without the hurt taking over.

(((hugs))) to anyone hurting, and thanks for the repost

btw - this quote has been attributed to Johnny Depp. If that's true, it makes perfect sense. Trying to be 'deep' is his schtick. I think it's hard to be 'deep' when you're loaded and having kids with a supermodel in your fabulous french mansion. You're a little removed from reality at that point :)

bobf posted 12/28/2013 09:39 AM

I am almost crying after reading your post Aubrie. I hope my fww reads this.

Ascendant posted 12/28/2013 10:22 AM

That's awesome, Aubrie. I saw the same thing on Pinterest.... nearly threw the phone at the wall.

ETA:

[T/J Alert]

Re: the Johnny Depp thing..if it's true:

I remember the comedian Daniel Tosh talking about Johnny Depp in one of his specials, and he basically summed him up perfectly. "This is a 50 year old man who wakes up in the morning, puts on 6 bracelets, and then catching himself in the mirror before he walks out the door says to himself, "No, I need one more. I need 7 bracelets. ...and a scarf." "

I thought that about summed up his train of thought.

[T/J Over]

[This message edited by FacePunched at 10:28 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Aubrie posted 12/28/2013 11:00 AM

sad34

People say it's in the past, I say it's actually my present:(

If you look at the timeline of life, yes it's technically in the past. However, you feelings and emotions need to be taken into consideration. It takes time to work thru this. Time is the healer.

painfulpast and FacePunched,
Yes, It's a JD quote. And yes, he's about as deep as a thimble.

"No, I need one more. I need 7 bracelets. ...and a scarf."

Don't forget the super thick guy-liner. I don't believe that dressing "artsy", making a couple cool movies, and mumbling everything you say makes you Aristotle. *shrug*

(((hugs))) to the hurting.

badmedicine posted 12/28/2013 14:50 PM

This made me cry at first because I could see that what I have for my WH is real love but what he has is....nothing.

Then by the end the Johnny Depp bracelet/scarf/guy liner made me laugh.

Thanks, SI.

AchillesHealed posted 12/28/2013 14:54 PM

Thanks, Aubrie. Spot on.

Sal1995 posted 12/28/2013 14:56 PM

Good stuff Aubrie, thanks for posting it.

goodbye_virginia posted 12/28/2013 15:45 PM

This is an awesome thing to read, thanks!

pointofnoreturn posted 12/28/2013 15:46 PM

Thanks for this. I just wish now more than ever that I never made such terrible decisions. Here's one of mine, if you don't mind me adding:

Love is being open about your problems without fear of judgement. Love is having your BS by your side when your doctor has to do an invasive procedure. Someone in luurve with me would split if I ever starting talking about my GI problems. It's kinda weird but it's one of the reasons I can tell I'm loved and not luurved.

[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 3:46 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

aLostSoul posted 12/28/2013 21:56 PM

I totally agree with the others...so true. And it is so crazy that my brain wanted to perceive the A as true love. Still working on reprogramming. Thanks for sharing.

Vikki35 posted 12/30/2013 15:01 PM

Thanks for this x

lovehonorcherish posted 1/1/2014 09:54 AM

I have always detested that quote by Johnny Depp. I remember reading it and thinking to myself "Really? People really believe that?"
Thank you, Aubrie, for expressing yourself so eloquently.