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Newbie, needing support please.

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BrokenAgain41 posted 12/27/2013 21:24 PM

I am new to this forum, but not new to infidelity. This is my second time around. I need to tell my story and hopefully gain some peace.
I recently found over 5000 text messages and 20 pictures on my phone bill usage report. The text and the pics had been deleted by my husband from his phone. However, the few that were left, gave me enough of a feeling to dig deeper. I dug, and found out it was a woman at his work. I confronted him, and he admitted to texting her, and told me he would tell her not to contact him anymore. Which he did, and expressed remorse.

I also, contacted her, and told her she did not want to come across as a woman who is texting a married man. She told me there was no Flirting going on, she had just confided in him. She quit her job later that afternoon.

I asked him if he had sex with her, and he told me no. I beleive him.

This texting relationship went on for about a month and half. The erased messages and photos really bother me.

The sad part is, we went down this same road two years ago. Same scenario, different work place, different woman. Thousands of text, he told me there was no sex involved. I believed him and we moved on.

Here we are again. I am hurting and mad! I don't want a divorce. We have been married for 16 years and have two young dd.

I'm just feeling broken inside AGAIN, and it's not fair. I'm a good mom, a good person, well educated with a good career.

Advice?

Random thoughts posted 12/27/2013 21:31 PM

More than likely it was more than just texting and pictures, he did it before you FOUND OUT, he didn't confess, didn't even get to the root of why he needs validation from other women and how to protect his marriage.

You both rug swept so it happened again, only because you saw the bill and if I were you I would see what else he was up to.

This time he has to be held accountable with actions, not just words...her quitting is more than just texting and if she is married, inform her husband or bf.

JellyGirl84 posted 12/27/2013 21:34 PM

Hi. I'm sorry you're here and going through this crap. I'm a newbie too. (I found out on Thanksgiving evening that my husband was cheating on me with a girl from work.) He assures me that it was "only" talking and kissing but I'm following my gut. I believe it was sexual too because how he could throw ten years away on just kissing is BEYOND me...

Listen....you have to do what is best for you and your DDs. I am the child of a marriage that shouldn't have lasted. My mother had an affair on my father when I was 10. My father took her back and made it his goal to make my mother "pay" for her infidelity. He used my brother and I as collateral, to make sure she wouldn't leave. Their marriage was miserable and filled with anger, yelling and tears; filled with verbal abuse between them. My mother says she staid for us because she couldn't risk losing us in a court case. I wish she would've divorced my dad.....my brother and I would've found some way to be with her.

I tell her now, as if it matters, I would rather have seen my parents divorced but happy than together and miserable. I attribute a lot of my Generalized Anxiety disorder to the hectic home life I experienced after my mother's affair. It was a battlefield. Kids know when something is wrong and they know when their parents are faking.

You shouldn't stand for it. Your daughters might not turn out like me and stand up for themselves if infidelity (or any other issue) puts them in a terrible position. You might be teaching them that abuse is ok (and infidelity is abuse). Do what's best for them and especially for you.

Stay strong and realize that it is time to put yourself first.

[This message edited by JellyGirl84 at 9:36 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

Virginiagirl posted 12/27/2013 21:45 PM

I think, for your own sake, you need to swallow any fear (as best you can) and try, try to dig more. Do you have a real reason to believe it was all texting, or are you just too scared to think its more? Aren't there ways to recover deleted texts/pics if you really need to?

My husband swore, SWORE, his affair was just emotional- I totally believed him for a week. Totally!! Until I got the nerve to look harder and, sure enough, she met him on his business trips.

I think, whether it was "just" texting or did get physical, that in order to come through the other side of this second betrayal, you have got to confront it head on and not rug sweep and try to put it behind you. It will fester even more within you than the first time, and like Random Thoughts said, it is likely he will do it again if he isn't forced to fully confront what he has done. He has to face it, its not your job to heal from this pain alone.

BrokenAgain41 posted 12/27/2013 21:55 PM

Thank you all for replying. Everything really does make my head spin. I honeslty can't think straight.

I really don't think there was sex involved, and she is not married. I called his work today to confirm that she indeed did quit, as he had told me. And sure enough she did.

He works away from home, and is only home 2 or 3 days a week.

I want to make it work for my daughters, and he said he would do whatever it takes to make it work and make me happy.

Please explain the rug swept?

Thank you all

Random thoughts posted 12/27/2013 22:08 PM

Rug sweeping is not discussing the problem, his lack of boundaries which leads to his inappropriate relationships with other women.

Both of you need to sit down with a professional and talk about his cheating, I do have to ask why you believe him when he repeated his earlier actions.

Him being a liar will lie to protect himself from his actions and just telling you no sex happened should not believed.

BrokenAgain41 posted 12/27/2013 22:10 PM

Just to try to face the exisisting problem, cracks in my marriage that let infidelilty slip in.

We both work, he works away from the home. We do not have sex (very very little).

Two daughters and they sleep in the room with me. I have not given him the attention he wants, so he went elsewhere.

I am not justifying his behavior, he took Vows with me 16 years ago. He knew better, and he knows he done wrong.

I am not going to take the blame for this, he is in the wrong.

I think counsling may be in order.

BrokenAgain41 posted 12/27/2013 22:19 PM

Thank you Random Thoughts.

Even though he is a liar, I can tell when he is lieing or telling the truth.

I don't know......I just don't know what to do.

I'm lost

Crushed1 posted 12/27/2013 22:23 PM

He could be telling the truth, but then, most WS's will minimize involvement as much as they can ("we're just friends", "you're crazy", "nothing happened", "I'm not cheating on you"...and a load of other familiar comments when in reality they've been having sex for a while). And your H works away from home which gives him countless opportunities to be alone with someone.

Sorry, I think you've just gotten to the tip of the iceburg.

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