"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Scorpio2310 posted 12/27/2013 23:14 PM

Tonight, while we coming home from having Christmas with her family, my BSO asked me if I had checked my emails lately. I have not been sleeping a lot/well recently either, so I snapped at her because I was confused, concentrating on driving, and tired. She sometimes refers to text as emails, and besides that I didn't know if she was talking about individual emails or my accounts.

When we got home she was shaken up and triggering because it reminded her of D-day. I then opened my email accounts to show her that I still had NC with my AP. After I left for work she opened my email account that I used to have my fb account that I used to contact my AP. My BSO is the only one that has access to that account. She then starts to question me about emails in the account.

I'm confused as to take these questions. I am upset that she would do this, but at the same time I know that I shouldn't because I have not even began to earn her trust back yet. I am doing everything I can to be honest, but it still feels like I am falling short of her expectations.

I fairly sure that I told her that I had a twitter account that I had never used, then she finds it now. She is mad because she did, and I don't know how to repond other than reminding her that I did.

I could use any and all advice that I can get.

Unagie posted 12/28/2013 01:33 AM

"Hey honey remember when your world was destroyed and I was detailing all the lies and bullshit I told you? Remember I told you then I had a Twitter account?"

No she may not remember. She may have had a lot of other shit going on. You snapped at her why and be honest here, I was concentrating on driving and I was tired are bullshit excuses. You didn't want to have that talk in that moment and you snapped. Pretty sure you set her back as well, why else would you get defensive unless you were hiding something? She gave you a chance to be open and honest and you threw it back at her.

How about instead of snapping next time you take a breath, buckle up and ride out the convo no matter how long it takes. How about instead of reminding her that you have already told her something you simply answer the question. As waywards we have all been asked the same question a million times, maybe its because our BS doesn't remember the answer, maybe they are hoping the answer won't change or maybe they ask over and over because they are trying desperately to make sense of it all.

My advice, next time try for some empathy and some understanding. She is in hell, help her find her way out.

[This message edited by Unagie at 1:35 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Kalliopeia posted 12/28/2013 02:50 AM

That she would do this?

What is "this"?

She was shaking because she was having a panic attack.

What is it about her actions that surprises you or leaves you feeling upset or impatient? I am not sure it is her expectations that are at issue. Could it be possible that you have not truely accepted ... what I mean, is maybe you need to re-set your own expectations about how she is going to act or react and that at the heart of it you will need enormous amounts of patience and humility.

I found with my own responses to my fiance that I ended up blaming when what I was really trying to accomplish was to alleviate my anxiety that something scary was lurking. When people are afraid of the wolves outside, they tend to be a bit OCD about checking the locks on the doors and windows.

I think mostly what she was doing was re-checking to make sure it was "safe".

Just verify it is and if she has a wobbly, put out your hand and steady her. It's a good way to become her hero again.

Scorpio2310 posted 12/28/2013 04:18 AM

I am trying my best to be supportive to her and comfort her. When she did check my email accounts she found nothing and she did say that it made her feel better. I have nothing to hide and I am being honest.

I think I am hurt and angry at myself. I am hurt because my BSO doesn't trust me. I am angry at myself because I made her not trust me. I took my hurt and anger out on her, instead of talking it out with her. I realized this while working.

I know now that I was wrong. I plan to apologize to her when I get home from work.

authenticnow posted 12/28/2013 05:40 AM

I am trying my best to be supportive to her and comfort her.

No, you're not. She asked you a question and you snapped at her because you were tired. Listen, we're all human and we get tired, but if this happens more often than not (snapping when asked questions), you're not trying. It's time to examine that.

She's asking questions because she's trying to put together the puzzle in her head and she's still missing pieces. The answers to those questions give her the tools to put the pieces together. By asking you she's reinforcing what she knows, and trying to find safety and comfort in any more information she may get.

You have to be patient. To be anything but is cruel.

Also, make sure you have told her everything. The only time I was that defensive was when I was still hiding things. Her gut is nudging her---make sure she has it all, please.

Dieselpw posted 12/28/2013 06:35 AM

I too know how fatigue can affect your mood (I work swing shift) and it sucks but next time maybe take a breath and have her re ask the question so that will allow you time to calm down and realize what is happening and her time to maybe reword the question. the questions will always keep coming and we as WS need to remember that we caused all the hurt and anger and its our place to take the beating.

authenticnow posted 12/28/2013 06:42 AM

It's not really a matter of taking the beating. If your BS is asking a question it's not about you, it's about him/her trying to make sense of a painful, nonsensical situation. It takes a very, very long time for the BS to process the pain and heal from it.

Try looking at it not as punishment, but as healing. Instead of going on the defensive, look at it as the two of you being a team, on the same side, and working through this together.

It does get exhausting, and I think taking a breath is a good idea. Sounds like nothing, but sometimes we forget to breathe, especially when we're tense, and it does wonders to just take a breath!

Prayingforhope posted 12/28/2013 10:47 AM

A week after DDay I sat down with my BS and gave her access to everything - email accounts, SKYPE, cell phone, Twitter, LinkedIn, airline account, everything. We sat down and tested each password together so she could log-in freely as me whenever she wanted to. Everything was in writing, almost like a contract, me handing my right to privacy over to her because of what I have done.

She then proceeded to change a number of passwords so I can't even access my own accounts, which to be honest scared the hell out of me, but it's okay now (she wasn't being destructive about it, she just didn't trust me which makes sense).

Since that moment, we've never had a single argument or tension about this aspect - she has access to everything, she always will if she wants it, and there is nothing left for me to hide.

Worked for me in this regard, so maybe it can help you (trust me, there will still plenty of other things to argue about...)

Aubrie posted 12/28/2013 11:04 AM

You honestly think she remembered the fact you had a Twitter after Dday? Think again. You blew her world up. She's reeling.

Take 5 seconds out of your life and write down every single email and social media username and password. And give them to her.

She sometimes refers to text as emails, and besides that I didn't know if she was talking about individual emails or my accounts.

Then you should have GENTLY asked for clarity. Not snapped at her.

Be proactive. Offer information before she asks for it. Cool your jets and drop the defense.

Scorpio2310 posted 12/28/2013 16:56 PM

Thank you Praying and Aurbie. Your advice reall helps. I am going to hand over all accounts, usernames, and passwords. I will try to remember in the future to ask for some time to calm down and then come back to her questions.

She checked all of my accounts last night and saw that I have had NC since D-day, and that made her feel better. I knew that I had nothing to hide, and I am not sure why I got defensive.

SoCo posted 12/29/2013 19:37 PM

"not sure why I got defensive"?

Gently here... Could it be because her questioning reminds you of things YOU would rather not remember or discuss?

That would be understandable ... Although still unacceptable.

She does not have the advantage of being able to set aside, forget, compartmentalize her pain, her need for answers, reassurance.

What she needs this early on is for you to be the stronger spouse and accept she has every reason "today" not to trust you. I know that must hurt!!!

Please try to be patient with her! Does she not at the very least deserve that?

It will be better for you both! The more you are willing to share in a supportive loving manner the more trust you will build.

peace to you both.