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Newest Member: Gypsy2017 (60730)

User Topic: Having a really hard time taking responsibility for my outburst
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:04 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About 2 weeks ago wayward fiance and I got into a major conflict.

He is going through a custody situation with his exwife/the OW and when he comes back from seeing the kids, and dealing with her, he is ticked off.

I am really trying to be supportive and have some empathy, but I keep feeling a lack of it at times. On one hand, he is pretty much reponsible for creating a nearly impossible to resolve situation. On top of that he has OC from the affair he had with his ex.

So he is going around, mad at himself, mad at the ex, frustrated that there is no end in sight, feeling guilty and that he is totally beat on with no one caring how he feels or what he wants.

To me, it's a really complicated situation. I read over on the wayward side of the forum and I see people there kind of wear down, they feel angry and sad and sometimes have resentment.

Anyway, he had come back from seeing his kids, and had gotton into a nasty discussion with his ex. He had turned off his cell phone while there, and I tried to call him, so it triggered me. I vocalized this to him briefly, and he just sort of snapped at me and imo, over reacted.

Well I was not in the best mood myself. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. I have a hard time eating due to stress and was trying to manage it through diet and exercise. What happened that day when we had conflict, was my blood sugar was over 300, I felt dizzy and exhausted. So when he came home in a really bad mood, and said he has zero intention of talking to me, I kind of got upset. This all gradually ramped up until I completely lost it on him.

Basically, I feel he should be more understanding of how it gets to me that he goes over there. Sometimes he spends the night there due to the distance and time the travel takes. That is NOT ok with me and I have been very vocal about boundries and such. It's been really getting to me.

He got mad and walked out.

So I trigger and remind him in email all about the cheating, the lies, the baby, I call him a few names like "stop being such a douche" and monster and tell him eff you why can't you just have some patience and compassion, etc.

So he decided to give me the silent treatment. I was pretty upset myself for a few days, so I was ok with it. After I calm down, I apologize for the loss of control and for being hurtful.

He ignores me. Then christmas comes and while I am out of the house, he leaves me a gift. A very nice one. He had already gone back over to him mom's. I write to him on fb im and thank him.
He makes some little smilies back at me and I think we are going to be talking again.

But no. He keeps sending these smilies. So I ask him can we talk for real. He informs me that everytime he has the impulse to talk to me, he looks and see all the mean things I said to him.

Tbh, I triggered. Most of what I said to him was the truth, it was not raging at him. I said what he did and how I felt about it. How it makes me feel. I took on that calling him a douchebage, a monster and saying eff you was me not staying in control.

Anyway, he is mad. I don't actually know what else to do to apologize. I am feeling resentful that he is making a huge deal over it and skipping over the part where he was completely nasty to me before I got upset at him AND he was over at OW to see OC and his daughter.

It scares me. And I don't understand the beautiful gift, a piece of jewelry, then playing the smily game and when I asked to talk being a jerk to me.

I am probably a jerk, too, because I want to tell him to suck it up because he made the huge mess and I got hurt enormously when I was trusting and believing in him. At the same time I keep seeing posters on wayward side expressing their exhaustion and own hurt and anger. My fiance also has a crap situation with his ex who is constantly trying to control him through the kids. He doesn't have a lot of money for the custody fight and he isn't getting anywhere, so I know he feels trapped and it's really winding him up.

And if you read all of that, then thank you. I guess my main point is how much apologizing do I have to do to this man who made such a mess, cheated on me and so on and I had a trigger and totally lost it on him. Why does HE has a grudge? And why isn't I am sorry for being hurtful good enough to keep me from taking a big slap down now?

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it sounds like he is being manipulative, and he spends the night there???? Huge, red flag .

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3515 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 40166
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Stop appologizing. In my opinion when you apologize you are saying that you behaved inapropriately. You didn't.
Perhaps it's time for the 180.

I understand that NC is impossible when kids are involved but there are many ways this situation could be handled, this is not one if them!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 1127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was name calling. I knew when he started the hostility, I should have exited. I didn't and ended up blowing up.

I guess he can do his silent treatment and sulking without an audience from me. I will just 180 him until he steps up.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, what are you getting from this relationship? How is he helping you heal? Why the fuck is he spending the night there?

BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been hoping it would return to what it was before all of this happened.

I have seen some progress from him. Honestly, though, his ex has him over a barrel right now. I think he is afraid. His ex prevented him from seeing the kids for 4 months. They are in a custody battle and she has 100% custody atm. So she screws him around over it unless she is trying to get something from him.

I think he is constantly so wound up and frustrated and depressed, he has lost reslience.

How is he helping me? He is doing a half assed job of it. A year ago, he was doing nothing. So I see progress, he validates that he understands my anger and upset, he is willing to help, but I am wearing him out and when I get into such anger, he can't do what I want/need. He has a huge chip on his shoulder from being pushed around by his ex and if I appear demanding, it triggers him off.

To his credit, once he calms down and sorts through his head, he will act on my behalf. BUT. It can take weeks to calm down.

It is a 3 hour trip across town to his ex's. Since she has custody, she refuses to let him come get them. If he wants to see them, she forces him to come there. This city has a 10 million plus metro area. So basically IF he starts off at 8 am, he will get there about 11AM. He wants to have time with the kids ALONE, but the ex pushes herself in. If he protests a huge drama ensues. So evening comes, the kids cry and he has been guilted and manipulated all day.

Short answer he has stayed due to the length of the trip back and forth and because he has had poor boundries. I talked to him a lot about it. It triggers me off massively. I understand 6 hours riding subways and buses in one day is a lot, BUT...

The last time he was there was 2 weeks ago. He did leave and come back home. I have the impression there was a load of drama there.

I'm backing off right now. I know it all looks terrible. I think because of the kids, he feels as a father he can't just walk off. 4 months is a long time for a little kid to not see dad. Simply his ex is refusing to cooperate in a way where it could all be easy.

I feel guilty for asking him to take that 6 hour total journey on cold winter nights, and deal with drama and BS while he is there on top of it. Same time, his staying there feels like cheating to me and my feelings are reacting to it like it is another Dday everytime he goes there.

The trip involves walking half a mile through snow etc, riding a bus for an hour, then riding a train for another hour, followed by riding another bus for an hour, then walking half a mile. I sort of understand how it's a tiring trip, but I hate anymore that he is even going there.

atm, as far as I am concerned, he is on his own with it. I can't fix it and I don't feeling like being treated the way he is treating me right now. We have had long periods where things went well. Like the 4 months we came out of him not seeing his ex and kids.

What can I justify? They are innocent little children. I feel hugely conflicted.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ 30826
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been reading your posts in the ICR forum.

I just wanted to remind you..YOU are innocent in all of this too.

FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.

Posts: 15220 | Registered: Jan 2011
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you. sometimes I forget that. A lot of times, actually.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, he created this situation. Yes, his X may be jerking him around, but he created this situation when he started screwing her again. On top of which he managed to not take precautions and now there's an OC as well as his "regular" kids. So he has no one but himself to blame.

Perhaps this is the time to take a long, hard, cold look at all of this, how it's likely to continue, and if you really want to be any part of it. In all of his "troubles," I don't see room for you and for what you need and frankly, are owed, as an innocent party in this rat nest. How much better do you see this getting? And when? And if he's only doing part of the work right now, how long are you willing to play 2nd fiddle in this? (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9768 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes he spends the night there due to the distance and time the travel takes.

Um, that alone is enough to end it. He can get a hotel room if he doesn't want to make the trek to her place, or he can move closer. He CANNOT spend the night at her house. That is so unfair to you.

said he has zero intention of talking to me

What? He is having a rough time so you get to be treated like shit?

He informs me that everytime he has the impulse to talk to me, he looks and see all the mean things I said to him.

LMFAO! Tell him every time he treats you like you don't matter, you picture him fucking his ex while engaged to you.

You called him a douchebag. Oh, the horror.

This guy is playing games, and it's wrong on every level. He IS a monster. He is completely disregarding you because HE is having troubles. That isn't how life works. He caused your pain. You didn't cause his.

Seriously, you aren't married to this asshole. You don't have kids. He is now tied to OW for another 18 years. Is this the life you want? That nice guy that was there in the beginning? He's gone. You are seeing the real him. Are you seriously going to marry this douchebag?

I'm in complete control. He is an asshole, and a douchebag. If he were in front of me, I would happily tell him that, despite the 'trauma' it causes him.

FTG. Get out while you can do it cleanly. Do NOT wait until you have a mortgage and a kid or two with him. Just get out. He is cruel, selfish, and an asshole/douchebag.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 35053
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 12:17 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well Painfulpast, it is validating to know my own thoughts about how he is acting are right on the mark.

Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
Topic Posts: 11

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