About 2 weeks ago wayward fiance and I got into a major conflict.
He is going through a custody situation with his exwife/the OW and when he comes back from seeing the kids, and dealing with her, he is ticked off.
I am really trying to be supportive and have some empathy, but I keep feeling a lack of it at times. On one hand, he is pretty much reponsible for creating a nearly impossible to resolve situation. On top of that he has OC from the affair he had with his ex.
So he is going around, mad at himself, mad at the ex, frustrated that there is no end in sight, feeling guilty and that he is totally beat on with no one caring how he feels or what he wants.
To me, it's a really complicated situation. I read over on the wayward side of the forum and I see people there kind of wear down, they feel angry and sad and sometimes have resentment.
Anyway, he had come back from seeing his kids, and had gotton into a nasty discussion with his ex. He had turned off his cell phone while there, and I tried to call him, so it triggered me. I vocalized this to him briefly, and he just sort of snapped at me and imo, over reacted.
Well I was not in the best mood myself. I was recently diagnosed with diabetes. I have a hard time eating due to stress and was trying to manage it through diet and exercise. What happened that day when we had conflict, was my blood sugar was over 300, I felt dizzy and exhausted. So when he came home in a really bad mood, and said he has zero intention of talking to me, I kind of got upset. This all gradually ramped up until I completely lost it on him.
Basically, I feel he should be more understanding of how it gets to me that he goes over there. Sometimes he spends the night there due to the distance and time the travel takes. That is NOT ok with me and I have been very vocal about boundries and such. It's been really getting to me.
He got mad and walked out.
So I trigger and remind him in email all about the cheating, the lies, the baby, I call him a few names like "stop being such a douche" and monster and tell him eff you why can't you just have some patience and compassion, etc.
So he decided to give me the silent treatment. I was pretty upset myself for a few days, so I was ok with it. After I calm down, I apologize for the loss of control and for being hurtful.
He ignores me. Then christmas comes and while I am out of the house, he leaves me a gift. A very nice one. He had already gone back over to him mom's. I write to him on fb im and thank him.
He makes some little smilies back at me and I think we are going to be talking again.
But no. He keeps sending these smilies. So I ask him can we talk for real. He informs me that everytime he has the impulse to talk to me, he looks and see all the mean things I said to him.
Tbh, I triggered. Most of what I said to him was the truth, it was not raging at him. I said what he did and how I felt about it. How it makes me feel. I took on that calling him a douchebage, a monster and saying eff you was me not staying in control.
Anyway, he is mad. I don't actually know what else to do to apologize. I am feeling resentful that he is making a huge deal over it and skipping over the part where he was completely nasty to me before I got upset at him AND he was over at OW to see OC and his daughter.
It scares me. And I don't understand the beautiful gift, a piece of jewelry, then playing the smily game and when I asked to talk being a jerk to me.
I am probably a jerk, too, because I want to tell him to suck it up because he made the huge mess and I got hurt enormously when I was trusting and believing in him. At the same time I keep seeing posters on wayward side expressing their exhaustion and own hurt and anger. My fiance also has a crap situation with his ex who is constantly trying to control him through the kids. He doesn't have a lot of money for the custody fight and he isn't getting anywhere, so I know he feels trapped and it's really winding him up.
And if you read all of that, then thank you. I guess my main point is how much apologizing do I have to do to this man who made such a mess, cheated on me and so on and I had a trigger and totally lost it on him. Why does HE has a grudge? And why isn't I am sorry for being hurtful good enough to keep me from taking a big slap down now?