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helplessme posted 12/28/2013 02:31 AM

My BH would not tell me where he goes. Like when he has trips related to his job, he would not tell me where and how long he'll be gone.

This of course always leave me very worried waiting forever for him to come home. He also does not respond to my text messages while he is away.

Like now, he's been gone for 2 days already and I haven't heard a word from him. It's killing me .

Any WS out there in the same situation? Please HELP!

longroadhome posted 12/28/2013 04:47 AM

Not ideal behavior from an adult, for sure BUT...

He's lashing out. You do understand why, right? All you can do is talk to him about it and let him know how you feel. You can't control him, you can only decide what you will tolerate. It looks like you're still close to d-day from your join date, so it may be too soon to expect him to be concerned for your feelings in the matter. Just voice your concern and try to be empathetic. Remember, he doesn't want to feel the way he does right now.

Daisy1967 posted 12/28/2013 06:50 AM

If you have children, this is totally unacceptable. Lashing out and being pissed is fine and normal, under the circumstances.

But to just fall off the face of the Earth. Unacceptable.

However, let him do his thing. Pretend it does not bother you. I would also keep track of these events, just in case. And in your case with the violence and bullshit, I would see an attorney.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 7:34 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

SandAway posted 12/28/2013 06:59 AM

I just reread your posts here on SI and honesty feel that your BH is abusing you. He disappears on weekends, he verbally abuses you in front of the kids, he has held a gun to your head - how much more can you take?

Yes, you blew his world up by having an affair and his behavior would be understandable (minus the gun) if your DDay was a couple weeks ago. But after 4 months, he shouldn't be disappearing for days. He also needs to be accountable. You two have kids and he is their father; he needs to act like one through all this ciaos, as hard as that is....


[This message edited by SandAway at 7:01 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

helplessme posted 12/28/2013 08:09 AM


I did communicate with him about it but he only shuts me down. He doesn't show any care with how I feel. It's now 4 and a half months from Dday. Yes I understand how he feels though. I just wonder how others WS's who are in the same situation handled it.

Thank you!

helplessme posted 12/28/2013 08:09 AM


I did communicate with him about it but he only shuts me down. He doesn't show any care with how I feel. It's now 4 and a half months from Dday. Yes I understand how he feels though. I just wonder how others WS's who are in the same situation handled it.

Thank you!

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 08:16 AM

Hi helplessme -

This is more unacceptable behavior. If he wants to act as if he's single, then he needs to make that call. He cannot mentally and emotionally abuse you to the extent that he does.

I'm a BS - I understand lashing out. This is beyond lashing out. Is your H in IC? Are you in MC? I think that would help you tremendously.

I think your H needs to learn some better coping skills. Yes, he's hurting, but abuse of this nature is completely not acceptable. I hope, if he's not in IC, that he will go. He clearly has trouble expressing his hurt in healthy ways, and I think he could use help with this.


helplessme posted 12/28/2013 08:21 AM

Daisy1967 and Sandaway,

Thank you for sympathizing with me. Yes, I feel abused, emotionally especially.

I just don't know what to do right now. I am doing my best to show my BH how sorry I am but I do not get any support from him. I feel I can not do this alone. I need him to at least hold my hand.

helplessme posted 12/28/2013 08:35 AM


We both do not go for IC or MC. Those are not readily accessible where we live. Also, if I do open that to my BH, Im sure he will decline. He is too proud. He holds quite a high position in the city where we live and he is well known. He would not want anyone to know he is undergoing counseling. He is a man with high pride. I deeply hurt his pride by having an A

AFrayedKnot posted 12/28/2013 09:03 AM

Not speaking to the abuse or any other lashing out that you are sound like you have a lot going on.

I would be purposefully vague about where I would be and when i would return from work or trips. I would show up earlier than she expected. This was my attempt to make it difficult for her to make plans to cheat. All of the A meeting happened while I was away. In my head if she didn't know when I would come home she wouldn't risk getting caught again. It was a futile attempt at control but in the crazy mind of a BS it made sense.

scream posted 12/28/2013 09:17 AM

Probably just my mood so take with a grain of salt. but i think thats bullshit. we all seem to talk about how childish we were during our affairs. So for him to now act like that is bullshit. You wanna be angry? Every right. Wanna 180? Ok fine. But the fact remains. Your still in a relationship with someone. If he doesn't want to reconcile that's his choice. Keep doing what you need to heal yourself. And let him act like a child. Sorry, having a really angry day

scream posted 12/28/2013 14:15 PM

Sorry if my post has stopped people from posting

Daisy1967 posted 12/28/2013 14:21 PM

I agree with you

longroadhome posted 12/28/2013 14:48 PM


Disregard my advice above. I didn't have a grasp on your entire story. What I said would hold true if not for the rest of it, but in light of everything (a gun?! Holy shit!) perhaps you should just take a long hard look at how much you're willing to tolerate. A bunch of us, including you, think that you're being abused. How long will you stay in an abusive relationship?

[This message edited by longroadhome at 2:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

scream posted 12/28/2013 15:20 PM

I don't know your story. But if what I have heard is true. Get your children and get as far away from this man as you can. And get protection. I don't care who he is or even who people think he is. He will hurt you. If he hasn't yet he will. In my line of work I see it everyday. Get help and get away. He's an ass. Believe me your not blameless in your marriage. But you do not need to deal with this. Even if he agrees to get help. Which pride aside asshole you need. Don't be around him while he does. And keep getting help for yourself

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 15:34 PM

helplessme, please check your PMs

MairISaoirse posted 12/28/2013 15:49 PM

I agree with other posters as well- your H is acting out of line

WS are allowed to have deal breakers and draw lines too. You are allowed to leave.

best wishes ((hugs))

Skan posted 12/28/2013 19:32 PM

Look. I'm a BW. I am TOTALLY for the WS to do everything possible to help their BS to process what they are going through. I am, unashamedly, on the BS's side.

And I am telling you. You need to leave. You need to file, you need to legally divorce your BH. You are in danger, IMO. Do I condone your adultery? Heck no. Said with conviction. Does your BH have a right to be upset, untrusting, demanding, etc? Heck Yes! Does he have a right to abuse you. HELL NO. NO one, NO one, should feel threatened in their home. And that is what you are, threatened.

Yes, get yourself into IC and figure out why in the world you committed adultery. Also, figure out why you think that you deserve to be abused. And find a lawyer, file for divorce, work out the child and financial arrangements, and then hunker down and work on yourself for a couple of years. IMO, of course, there is a cancer running through your marriage and the two of you, your BH and yourself, are not good for each other. Separate before something truly tragic happens, if not for your sake, then the sake of your children.

I am trying to say this with as much compassion as I can. But I cannot possibly convey to you, over what is essentially email, how worried I am about your situation.

helplessme posted 12/28/2013 21:30 PM

to everyone ...

THANK YOU for your genuine concern.

I appreciate all of you and your contribution to advising me.

I pray I will be able to get this through by God's help and yours.

Thank you from my hurting heart

helplessme posted 12/28/2013 22:00 PM

Also, just want to add: about the GUN. He only poked it at me once. On the night of Dday. He never showed it to me after that.

So I am not really scared about the gun. But I am very scared with his verbal and emotional lashes

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