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Did I give the right advice?

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9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 06:01 AM

Friend called last night for advice. He has been with his GF for almost a yr, divorced for a few yrs, and his GF was in a LTR of about 3 yrs before him.

I guess GF had kid problems last night, I think it had to do with drugs or drinking, one of the two or both. Instead of calling my friend, her BF, she called her xSO for advice and met with him and his family to sort things out. She didn't tell him till later in evening what was going on cause he called to see when they were going out.(they had a date)
She said she went to x because that family has been through this type of deal and she was embarrassed to tell my friend.
My friend felt bad that she wouldn't ask for his help at all.
My advice to him was to help in anyway he could until this "trouble" was over and to break off the relationship. He doesn't want to, wants to stay with her. I told him she'll do this to him again. He wasn't happy with me, but I think he can see I'm right.

Am I right? Is this what you all would have told him? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know any more.

thanks for the help everyone. He's not going to say anything to her till this afternoon. So if I'm wrong I can talk to him before he talks to her.

Amazonia posted 12/28/2013 06:05 AM

Is the xSO the father of the child in question?

9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 06:35 AM

No, he's not the father. The father is out of the picture, never was around.

Catwoman posted 12/28/2013 06:38 AM

Is the issue that she sought advice from a former SO or that she didn't tell him about the issue or both?

Does he suspect involvement with the ex-SO? Have there been issues of this nature previously?


9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 06:56 AM

He was more upset that she didn't come to him when there was a family "emergency". She went to her x and his family first.

She also told him she was "embarrassed" to tell him about her kid. I suspect it's pot cause they both drink beer on occasion. I think the kid is a Sr in HS.

I don't think he has been worried about her x, at least we haven't talked about it for a long time. Probably back when they first met.

I don't think she would cheat in any way, emotional or physical. Her xwh cheated on her and I doubt she would put him through that as he was also a victim of a cheating wife.

Random thoughts posted 12/28/2013 07:09 AM

Does the girlfriend's son have a close relationship with the ex bf and his family.....and considered the ex a father figure?

In my eyes I don't think she did anything wrong after all this is her kid, who's in trouble if the ex and his family has the resources then she did right by him.

I can also understand her not saying anything to your friend, her bf of only a yr, most bf or gf (I would) if I know that my new s.o kid had some type of drug/law issues and I myself have kids I would leave.
As for her not cheating because of being cheated on and not putting your friend through that because of his BS status, not true there are a slew of posters on this site who have dealt with their new gf or bf former BS turning
around and cheat themselves

Amazonia posted 12/28/2013 07:12 AM

If the xSO is any kind of father figure for this child, or if the xSO has helped out with this same scenario in the past, I can understand why your friend's gf would go to him.

Whether/how she chooses to involve your friend seems like it would be largely dependent on his relationship with the child. Are they close? Is he involved in the child's life? Is their relationship serious enough that he should have some sort of say in how she parents the child?

I'm not sure this is something I'd end a relationship over, especially not if it hasn't come up before and no expectations of involvement have been established, and if there's nothing amiss in the involvement of the xSO.

9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 07:17 AM

RT, the kid doesn't like her x that much or his family. I think the x and her son didn't have the best relationship.

That is a good point. the x's family has had a few dealings with drugs/alcohol that even led to prison time.

Maybe I overreacted, or was too protective. I'll talk to him later this morning to see if he has talked to her since I last talked to him.

He's just not the type of guy to leave someone cause of something like this. He is more the type that wants to help. he is much more of a giver than a taker. He has also had a really good relationship with her kid.

9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 07:22 AM

Amazon, my friend and her son get along good. As far as a father figure, I don't know if he is or not. The x is/has not been a father figure.

this is the first time this has happened. I'm surprised the kid got into this with what he knows about xso family and prison. but I'm not sure the kid even knows. she may have never told him about it.

9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 07:41 AM

Update. Friend texted. It is pot and a bag was found in his school bag. Kid said it wasn't his, it's a friends. Mom has never smelled it in his clothes or in house, but car has smelled "odd".

He told her they can talk it over and he can help or if not him her xso. He just feels worthless and that he is not her "go to guy". He is hurt by her actions.

Told him to be supportive and be there for her. Worry about relationship later when the smoke clears. no pun intended.

Sad in AZ posted 12/28/2013 07:45 AM

Are you really in a position to give this kind of advice? Have you healed enough from your ordeal to see the forest for the trees? Frankly, unless there was abuse, I would NEVER tell a friend to leave a relationship; IMO, you really overstepped your bounds.

1) In the grand scheme of things, they've only been together for a year. They don't live together; they are still 'dating'. If her former family was involved for a long period with this child and had supported her in the past, she should be able to seek out their support.

2) I agree that she should not be hiding things from a boyfriend at the one year point, but people react differently to crises, even in unhealthy ways. Based on the limited information you've given, your friend sounds like a KISA; he probably has his own issues to sort out. However, this is for them to sort out--not you.

3) Did he ask you what he should do, or did you just insert yourself in the situation?

9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 08:45 AM

Sad in AZ, good point. He did ask me for advice on how to take it and what to do.

sparkysable posted 12/28/2013 08:50 AM

unless this XSO is the child's father, then she had no business going to him for advice.

Red flag behavior right there.

9.10.11 posted 12/28/2013 09:20 AM

got off the phone with him just now. They have been talking this morning. She is getting his advice, asking if he has any chores to do around his house to keep the boy busy, and no talk about xso. He is hurt and can tell he has "pulled away" from her somewhat. NB is not easy and many up's and down's.

I think she may have panicked. Didn't want my friend to know, and knew that her x has been through this type of thing and went to him and his family first. Hind sight being 20/20, I'm guessing she wished she had talked to my friend first, at least I hope so.

I told him to support right now, and when things have settled down then talk to her how she hurt him. But for now he needs to be there for her as a friend, significant friend. Then see how things progress.

If she pulls away and talks more of x, then he may be on his way out. It may also bring them closer, time will tell.

NaiveAgain posted 12/28/2013 09:33 AM

I think she may have panicked. Didn't want my friend to know, and knew that her x has been through this type of thing and went to him and his family first.
I would have done the same thing except I probably would have mentioned it to my partner (if I am with someone for a year, then I have decided that person is trustworthy enough to tell pretty much anything to), but if I were worried about a child having a drug issue, I would go to whoever I felt had experience and could help the most, whether it is the hooker on the street corner or an ex that has been thru that issue.

Infidelity is rough and it totally changes our world. But when it comes to my children and worrying about their health or safety, any partner I have is going to take a backseat while I am doing my number one job on this earth and that is making sure my children are okay.

I think it is good that your friend and his partner are talking this thru. She may find that he is amazing support for her at times like this, and if she can open up to that, it will strengthen their relationship.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:34 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

9.10.11 posted 12/29/2013 16:43 PM

Well, things were going ok last night for him until this happened, again. It has happened a couple times before, I think he said 2 or 3. Lets say his name is "Jim"(my friend), and she called him "John"(her x). He has said she has trouble with names, don't we all sometimes. But this did hurt and he said "it's been a ____ yr and she still does it?!".

I asked him if she felt bad, yes she did. I asked if she cared about him(my friend), yes she does. I asked if he thought she cared more for him or her x........long pause, "I don't know for sure." I asked him who she was with last night, it was my friend. I asked him if he cared about her and her son, he does. Then I told him to be there for her cause she wants you around. If she wanted x, he would be around.

I had to laugh, poor girl has enough troubles with son right now and then has a "faux pas". I wish he would join here to vent/ask/read/learn.

NB are hard, just like "back in the day"...we just don't remember all the hard times in our teens and 20's.

Just wanted to update....."And these are the days of our lives".....

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