I guess GF had kid problems last night, I think it had to do with drugs or drinking, one of the two or both. Instead of calling my friend, her BF, she called her xSO for advice and met with him and his family to sort things out. She didn't tell him till later in evening what was going on cause he called to see when they were going out.(they had a date)
She said she went to x because that family has been through this type of deal and she was embarrassed to tell my friend.
My friend felt bad that she wouldn't ask for his help at all.
My advice to him was to help in anyway he could until this "trouble" was over and to break off the relationship. He doesn't want to, wants to stay with her. I told him she'll do this to him again. He wasn't happy with me, but I think he can see I'm right.
Am I right? Is this what you all would have told him? Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know any more.
thanks for the help everyone. He's not going to say anything to her till this afternoon. So if I'm wrong I can talk to him before he talks to her.
Does he suspect involvement with the ex-SO? Have there been issues of this nature previously?
She also told him she was "embarrassed" to tell him about her kid. I suspect it's pot cause they both drink beer on occasion. I think the kid is a Sr in HS.
I don't think he has been worried about her x, at least we haven't talked about it for a long time. Probably back when they first met.
I don't think she would cheat in any way, emotional or physical. Her xwh cheated on her and I doubt she would put him through that as he was also a victim of a cheating wife.
In my eyes I don't think she did anything wrong after all this is her kid, who's in trouble if the ex and his family has the resources then she did right by him.
I can also understand her not saying anything to your friend, her bf of only a yr, most bf or gf (I would) if I know that my new s.o kid had some type of drug/law issues and I myself have kids I would leave.
As for her not cheating because of being cheated on and not putting your friend through that because of his BS status, not true there are a slew of posters on this site who have dealt with their new gf or bf former BS turning
around and cheat themselves
Whether/how she chooses to involve your friend seems like it would be largely dependent on his relationship with the child. Are they close? Is he involved in the child's life? Is their relationship serious enough that he should have some sort of say in how she parents the child?
I'm not sure this is something I'd end a relationship over, especially not if it hasn't come up before and no expectations of involvement have been established, and if there's nothing amiss in the involvement of the xSO.
That is a good point. the x's family has had a few dealings with drugs/alcohol that even led to prison time.
Maybe I overreacted, or was too protective. I'll talk to him later this morning to see if he has talked to her since I last talked to him.
He's just not the type of guy to leave someone cause of something like this. He is more the type that wants to help. he is much more of a giver than a taker. He has also had a really good relationship with her kid.
this is the first time this has happened. I'm surprised the kid got into this with what he knows about xso family and prison. but I'm not sure the kid even knows. she may have never told him about it.
He told her they can talk it over and he can help or if not him her xso. He just feels worthless and that he is not her "go to guy". He is hurt by her actions.
Told him to be supportive and be there for her. Worry about relationship later when the smoke clears. no pun intended.
1) In the grand scheme of things, they've only been together for a year. They don't live together; they are still 'dating'. If her former family was involved for a long period with this child and had supported her in the past, she should be able to seek out their support.
2) I agree that she should not be hiding things from a boyfriend at the one year point, but people react differently to crises, even in unhealthy ways. Based on the limited information you've given, your friend sounds like a KISA; he probably has his own issues to sort out. However, this is for them to sort out--not you.
3) Did he ask you what he should do, or did you just insert yourself in the situation?
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
Red flag behavior right there.
I think she may have panicked. Didn't want my friend to know, and knew that her x has been through this type of thing and went to him and his family first. Hind sight being 20/20, I'm guessing she wished she had talked to my friend first, at least I hope so.
I told him to support right now, and when things have settled down then talk to her how she hurt him. But for now he needs to be there for her as a friend, significant friend. Then see how things progress.
If she pulls away and talks more of x, then he may be on his way out. It may also bring them closer, time will tell.
I think she may have panicked. Didn't want my friend to know, and knew that her x has been through this type of thing and went to him and his family first.
Infidelity is rough and it totally changes our world. But when it comes to my children and worrying about their health or safety, any partner I have is going to take a backseat while I am doing my number one job on this earth and that is making sure my children are okay.
I think it is good that your friend and his partner are talking this thru. She may find that he is amazing support for her at times like this, and if she can open up to that, it will strengthen their relationship.
[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 9:34 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]
I asked him if she felt bad, yes she did. I asked if she cared about him(my friend), yes she does. I asked if he thought she cared more for him or her x........long pause, "I don't know for sure." I asked him who she was with last night, it was my friend. I asked him if he cared about her and her son, he does. Then I told him to be there for her cause she wants you around. If she wanted x, he would be around.
I had to laugh, poor girl has enough troubles with son right now and then has a "faux pas". I wish he would join here to vent/ask/read/learn.
NB are hard, just like "back in the day"...we just don't remember all the hard times in our teens and 20's.
Just wanted to update....."And these are the days of our lives".....