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How do I stop hurting myself for his Affair?

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silentscream13 posted 12/28/2013 07:12 AM

I am torturing and injuring myself. I cannot stop rereading the Facebook messages between the OW and my WS. I am obsessed.

He sent (which I read and approved) a NC letter to the OW. He has not contacted her (that I know of) since DDay. He told me he has no emotional tie to her. It was just someone to make him feel better about himself. I think he is telling me the truth. I think he is showing true remorse. He is dotting all the "Is" and crossing all the "Ts". I am just struggling with trusting him.

He says I cannot begin to heal if I keep pushing him away. He told me he wants to help me heal, but I won't let him near me. He said that because I keep rereading their FB messages to each other, I am harming myself by it. I feel that he is not answering me truthfully so I look back for reference, but then I am angry and devastated all over again. He says he does not remember everything he wrote, because he was drunk most of the time and what he wrote to her in those few days was not true. It was just a way to get her to make him feel good about himself. He said he is answering me truthfully with what he remembers.

He asked if I wanted his truth or the truth that I believe.

I feel as if I am dead inside. When I do feel anything it is pain and rage. I keep stuffing my feelings down. When the rage comes out I end up hitting things like walls and fencing posts. I've already had one ER visit because WS though I broke it.

I have to hold it together and act like everything is fine for my kids. Then when they are at school I lose it. All the rage and pain I have been stuffing comes out full force. I feel like I am losing my damn mind. I am not this person!

Why am I doing this to myself? Has anyone else tortured themselves this way? Is he right that I can't accept his truth because I don't think it is a good enough excuse to destroy almost 18 years? How do I make myself start to move on so I can start healing? I feel as if I am falling apart.

NeverAgain2013 posted 12/28/2013 07:28 AM

Unfortunately, "his" truth is a watered down, deceptive account of the actual truth - and your gut KNOWS it and is screaming it to you. I don't BLAME you for not believing "his" truth. I don't think any of us ever get the real truth from these cheaters.

Therefore, I'd suggest a polygraph.

If he's really the honest little choir boy he keeps claiming to be, and it's ALL a figment of your imagination that more has happened than he's willing to admit, then he'll have NO problem finally getting the opportunity to prove that "his" truth is the REAL truth.


And what better way is there to prove that you're wrong and show you how 'crazy' you are for not believing him than jumping into that polygraph seat, hooking himself up to the machine, and enjoying watching you eat crow when the test proves he's been 100% honest with you? One would think he'd JUMP all over that chance, wouldn't one?

In truth, I'm willing to bet the farm that he'll never agree to it and come up with all kinds of lame excuses for not taking it. And all those lame excuses will be solely designed to make you feel ridiculous for having even SUGGESTED it, and then he'll try to make you feel guilty for having entertained such a horrific thought.

But yet, he'll still insist "his" truth is the real truth.

Tell him to put his money where his mouth is.

jstbreathe posted 12/28/2013 07:30 AM

I too never imagined how much rage and pain could come from this. It is the only time in my life that I actually contemplated suicide. I pretty much had to just let time be the healer. Honestly, there is nothing that anyone can say or do that helps to lessen the hurt and move you forward. Unfortunately, it really does just take time. I think I started to calm down a lot around 10 months post Dday.

Be patient with yourself and if you can't get a handle on things, please see your doctor for some medication to help you. You have to stay healthy for your kids!

Post on SI, it will help a lot. God bless!

NeverAgain2013 posted 12/28/2013 07:30 AM

He asked if I wanted his truth or the truth that I believe.

After I posted, I went back to your original post and when I read this sentence, I actually chuckled.

That ridiculous question from your husband reminded me of the guy who was caught by his wife in bed with his mistress. When she started screaming at him, he tried to claim his innocence. Then he asked her, "who are you going to believe - me, or your LYING eyes?"


Believe your eyes or your gut every single time - they don't steer you wrong.


[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 7:32 AM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Edith posted 12/28/2013 07:36 AM

Hi SS, I'm so sorry you are going through this.

He says I cannot begin to heal if I keep pushing him away.

This, among other things in your post, tells me that he is very manipulative. How is he the expert on healing?!? You are re-reading their messages to find the REAL truth...not his, not yours, but the actual truth.

I hope you can find a healthy way to release your rage (exercise maybe?). Hurting yourself is not helpful, you have already been hurt enough. Try to be kind to yourself and let the rage out in a way that at least does not hurt anyone. Take care.


cancuncrushed posted 12/28/2013 08:58 AM

We all suffer this same pain. You will get stronger, more numb (pretty, huh?) ANd for me I exposed myself so much, I could go over stuff, and investigate, without the pain. MOre of a gathering of information. You are not satisfied with your quality or quantity of information. It is not explaining things. Sadly, we know its not all of it, and it will never explain things. It doesnt make sense. ((((()))))

SpotlessMind posted 12/28/2013 09:34 AM


I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know that the obsessing is a completely normal reaction. I'm sorry that you are hurting, though.

His "truth" is not trustworthy right now, as most WS try to minimize and TT at first. If your gut is telling you there's more, then I'm sorry to say, there very well might be.

He needs to know that he does not get to call the shots here. He's the one who betrayed you, and he should be catering to your needs. My husband tried similar tactics for the first couple months, and that's partly bc he was still holding info back. Partly bc he thought it would hurt me, yes, but also bc he felt guilty and he was putting his discomfort ahead of my pain and healing needs. The manipulation looks authentic, and honestly, I'm not even sure he was aware that's what he was doing.

I'd consider telling your husband that you will decide what you need to do and what info you need to know to heal. I would also send him links on articles about how damaging TT is, and how the betrayed partner gets to decide how much they want to know. Ultimately, reading a first person account by a former WS on the dangers of TT is what tipped my WH into full truth.

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 09:47 AM

Hello - I did the same thing. I obsessed over the FB chats and postings. I practically memorized the phone logs. I kept combing through everything, for months. It was like a puzzle I was putting together. This call on this day, after this text to me - that message on this day, when I was at XXX. It just went on, and I was creating my own map.

I got a lot from it. I started to read between the lines, to see if his comments to her matched his comments to me.

My H said the same thing - the things he said to her were to get her to say things to him that would boost his ego. If you read what your H wrote, and it doesn't sound like him at all, then at those times, he's probably ego fishing.

My H used to say the same thing - I want to wallow in it, I don't want things to get better, etc.

This doesn't mean he's lying. It does mean that he doesn't want you to keep looking at these things because he knows that you will stay angry and hurt by doing so.

Oh well. I needed to do that. I needed to put that puzzle together. I needed to know every last thing I could, and each time I looked through those things, another thing would pop out at me. It was what I needed.

Eventually (months later) I did realize it was an obsession, and I wasn't getting anything new, and I was only keeping my pain fresh, and I had to force myself to stop. It was no longer putting together information - it was keeping the information at the forefront of my mind.

I guess I have no real advice - just sharing my story so you know you aren't abnormal. It's very common for a BS to obsess over the relics of an affair. You do what's right for you. Your WS just needs to accept that this is what you need right now.


4everfaithful83 posted 12/28/2013 10:52 AM

Sorry you are feeling this is terrible!

I too did the same thing, but eventually I realized that it wasn't getting me anywhere, except causing more pain, and I deleted every piece of evidence against him that I had.

Afterwards I cried. I felt like I had made a huge mistake, but after a day or two, I realized that a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I didn't need to go back and verify everything that I already knew...and going back and looking at past messages or a phone bill was like experiencing DDAY all over again.

when you are ready, you can delete these things too, and realize they are not helping you in any way. Just my opinion...

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 10:57 AM

I don't recommend deleting. If you cannot stop yourself from looking, save them to a memory stick and print hardcopies of what you can't save, and give them to a friend, or store them somewhere that is not easy to access, and then delete.

You may want this evidence if R doesn't work. Even in no fault states, this kind of information may cause a WS to be a bit more gentle in D proceedings.

I do agree that at some point it will hit you that you are causing harm by going back, but as you can see - it's normal.

You will know when it's time to stop.

4everfaithful83 posted 12/28/2013 11:03 AM

Yes, sorry. I am not married, therefore I would not need such evidence in D proceedings.

If I was though, I could definitely see how having those things could work in your benefit.

RealityStinks posted 12/28/2013 11:17 AM

silentscream13 -
I'm right there with you. You have FB messages, where as I have phone records and GPS records. I'll be sitting around and think: What was she doing when I called on so and so date? Or, what did she do after she posted that photo on FB? Stuff like that all the time.

So, I'll look at the phone records to see when I called (or when she posted on FB), and then I'll compare that to the GPS records. It tortures me because I still keep finding things.

One thing I am going to do for myself, is to sit down and create a timeline using the records I've got (including both our FB timelines). I think it will help show me the full extents of the A and provide some closure (she is unremorseful and still denies most things). Everything will also be there in one place. Sometimes when I post on SI, I'll read what I wrote and think "who in their right mind would stay married to such a hurtful person". So, it helps me to see it in black and white. (I should probably start a journal.) It relieves my own guilt for wanting a D when I really and truly do not believe in D.

A few things in your post stood out to me.

He told me he has no emotional tie to her. It was just someone to make him feel better about himself.

Feeling good about yourself is all about your emotions. So, if she was doing that for him, it was emotional.

He asked if I wanted his truth or the truth that I believe.

I've heard the same line from my WW. I've caught her in more lies than I can remember at this point. In my case, the truth I believe is based on the evidence I have in front of my own two eyes. I don't believe a word out of her mouth, and I question if she even knows the truth at this point after all the lies she's told. Once you tell a lie so many times, you start to believe it.

Someone else suggested a polygraph. I second that. IMO, his willingness to do it or not speaks volumes. I asked my WW to take one, and she flat out refused immediately. I told her that's all I needed to know.

Finally, it sounds to me that he's trying to minimize what he did so that HE feels better when it goes away. If he cares for you the way he should, he'll answer you questions, deal with your hurt, and put you first for as long as it takes.

I know that at some point, I have to stop trying to piece the past year back together so that it makes sense and move on with my life. I'll do that when I'm ready. I'm only 4.5 months from my first DD, and almost 2 from finding out about her rendezvouses at his house/rental/houseboat. Things are finally starting to "stop spinning". I've got my feet back under me and can think clearly most of the time.

So, you need to stop torturing yourself by reading the FB messages. But, stop when you're satisfied and have done what you need to heal. There's obviously things you feel you don't know (I get it, because I'm there too). You'll get to a point where you're like "that's enough". I'm getting there. I don't obsess over my "evidence" nearly as much as I did when I first found out. You'll stop too eventually. Hang in there, and stop punching fence posts! Hit him instead! He can take it!

kra127 posted 12/28/2013 11:41 AM

Your post and the posts from painfulpast and RealityStinks sound like I could have written them too. I still look at the phone records and look on my calendar and try to think of what I was doing on the dates/times he was calling his "friends" and AP. It is an obsession. My WS asks why I keep digging in the records and I tell him if I didn't find another other lies I would stop digging. But I keep finding out more and more stuff that he was hiding. I have tried to find other things to do to keep my mind off doing this stuff. Kickboxing and running have been very helpful in relieving the stress. I was told last night by my WS that I am the most unforgiving person he knows.

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 11:49 AM

I was told last night by my WS that I am the most unforgiving person he knows.

What a cruel comment. Your DDay was less than 3 months ago, and with the TT, it was about 2 months ago. If you had already forgiven him, I think that would be a record.

The accepted timeframe to heal is 2 to 5 years, not months. It will help you both if he understand that.

There is a wonderful Ebook call "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair". It isn't exceptionally long and it really helps explain to a WS what a BS needs.

mefirst posted 12/28/2013 15:48 PM

Back in the day, I also obssessed about the timeline, the who-did-what-and-why, the details were never enough. Eventually, we divorced. But, I will say this - my ex was embarrassed, yes embarrassed about the details because they were never quite as *good* as the stories in my head were. Their affair was not quite as sexy, as fun, or as special as the movies in my head. Part of the reason why he may not want to talk about it is the same - it's just damn embarrassing and unexplainable. Unfortunately, your need to heal must outweigh his personal and selfish reasons not to expose the reality of what happened.

silentscream13 posted 12/28/2013 21:09 PM

Thank you everyone for the insight. Now he is wondering if he should reread what was written because he does not remember it. (I have taken over his FB account and he no longer knows the password). Should he? I worry that he will either disregard things said or be fascinated with her again.

I just don't know what to do.

standinghere posted 12/28/2013 22:45 PM

Your dday is very recent. This is still the discovery stage. There is still a lot to learn.

Healing will come later, right now is more like digging out a dirty wound without anesthesia.

Keep reading, keep asking, mad realize that your WS doesn't have all their own answers yet, let alone yours.

At this point in my disclosure, my wife looked at me and said "I'm telling you the truth and you just can't handle it, you can't handle the truth."

Only to tearfully confess 5 months later that she'd been lying all the way through MC to that point.

RippedSoul posted 12/28/2013 23:31 PM

Perhaps you could print out a copy, get the timeline information that you need, then give it to a friend for safekeeping? That way, you could stop torturing yourself? Whether you R or D, it simply can't be helpful to do that--although I understand why you are. I, monthly, look up my SAWH's AP's profile on FB--just to see if she and her BS are still together. There's a morbid fascination with it--like maybe it'll change if I just check it often enough. Still, it will keep you from healing. And, with or without your WH's help, you DO need some relief from the pain. So be gentle to yourself.

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