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MJane posted 12/28/2013 10:50 AM

It's been a while since I visited - we've slowly been trying R since DDay in September when I learned of the affair from the OW on my doorstep in the early hours of the morning. At that time she came (at1am) with a package of emails from my husband and made a great deal of telling me I was the thing standing between them and true love - that she had been in my home, walked with and touched my little baby and generally invaded my life. Some three months on we have been slowly been rebuilding - very slow process but my H seems truly contrite and we both are in counselling together and IC. I lifted his mobile yesterday to charge it and saw her name in first text - she had not been in my thoughts for a couple of days so the horror was instant and I was pretty hysterical. My H, while looking horrified took me through the message which started on Christmas eve. He said he didn't want to tell me before Christmas and had hoped they'd stop - they essentially were her begging to have him back but in a very insistent way. She emailed all three of his accounts with same things and has been bombarding him. He replied to one saying that things hadn't changed since he wrote in September and that he was happy over Christmas with his family and to leave him alone. She sent many many messages after that. We both think she may have mental issues. My counsellor said the note in her gift package and how she acted just before and in telling me (she essentially stalked the house and left gifts on doorstep that at the time I didn't know were from her - roses cut up in bag etc). I'm not sure what to do. Instinct tells me she may start appearing here if we do nothing. My H has started to delete everything after a final note (which I saw him draft and send saying he loved me and did not want to hear from her again) had the opposite effect. He has tried blocking her number and she changes it. She was once a FBook friend and he unfriended her so she sends him requests. I was very tempted to phone her myself and give her some of her own medicine - am not sure that would be wise but I feel very helpless and this woman has, yet again, invaded my life. I fear that if we get formal with police etc then things might get ugly - and she may even try and invade my workspace or do something petty. Does anyone have advice/similar experience? All I keep thinking is why on earth would she want to keep begging for attention when he has clearly moved on....

Kelany posted 12/28/2013 10:56 AM

File harassment charges against her.

confused615 posted 12/28/2013 11:01 AM

Unfortunately, your WH did just that..he gave her the attention she was looking for. He responded..twice. NC is NC. He shouldn't have responded at all. Also, while I understand WHY he didn't tell you she started trying to contact him on Christmas Eve, he should have told you immediately. Then the two of you, as a team, could have decided how to deal with her. I would stress to him, again, that NC means absolutely NO contact...NONE...and if/when she tries again, he tells you right away.

Also..Christmas was Wednesday...you discovered these texts on Friday..so if he was waiting until after Christmas to tell you..he should have told you before you discovered them on your onw..days later.

Instead of unfriending her, he needs to block her. And he needs to change his number.

Her showing up at your house is scary. Have you contacted the police to see if you can get a restraining order?

jackie89 posted 12/28/2013 11:01 AM

I'm sorry you are going through that!

If it was me, I would first call her and tell her to leave your family alone and that you were going to file a restraining order from her. And then follow through and really do file a restraining order.

If you don't want to file a restraining order, then at the very least a letter from an attorney - to never contact your family.

She needs to know that your WH is serious, and wants nothing to do with her.

SisterMilkshake posted 12/28/2013 11:04 AM

I agree with Samantha. You run the risk either way. If you file harassment charges and she shows up at your workplace she will be arrested.

steadfast1973 posted 12/28/2013 11:06 AM

Block her, and change his number.

steadfast1973 posted 12/28/2013 11:07 AM

And a restraining order.

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 11:13 AM

Block her on FB, and set both WH and your accounts to 'private' so that she cannot see anything even if she creates a new account.

Change his phone number immediately, and block her from his email, or set her as junk. Let her think her emails are going through, but in reality they're going into the vast wasteland of the internet.

If she comes near your home, even once, call the police and file stalking charges. You have more than enough to have her legally told to go away forever.

Ask your H to forward her texts and emails to you first, or take pictures of them. You will want them should you need to file harassment charges.

MJane posted 12/28/2013 11:14 AM

Thanks everyone- I said the same thing to my H on NC - he has been deleting and non-responding. He blocked her number and then she phones/texts from a new one. As she is a work colleague he can't block her work email from his work one but avoids contact with her and has avoided responded until this Christmas when I think he tried to appeal to her better nature and ask her to leave him alone as he wanted a quiet Christmas with his family. Before this week I think he didn't quite understand how strange this woman was - putting down her behaviour in September to temporary lack of judgement. His IC has made it clear to him everything she has done took planning and was not drunken foolish action (she gave me over 500 mails from him to her deleting all her side).

I haven't the first clue what to do on the restraining order- we live abroad so not as simple a process as in US or UK. I wonder whether I should make one angry call to her and tell her to back off or does that give her attention she needs?

LivinginLimbo posted 12/28/2013 11:32 AM

We have a persistent OW. For 15 months it was texts/emails that he ignored. When we figured out how to block her number, she did the same thing yours did, get another phone.

It's unfortunate that you're not in the US as we finally got some relief after going to an attorney. He prepared a letter, delivered via process server, warning her that any further contact would result in her being arrested.

Much as it's both aggravating and scary, the good part is that our H's see the kind of person the AP is. It's definitely an eye-opener.

painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 11:45 AM

Can you contact an attorney (or the equivalent) and ask what you can do about her? I think finding out your options should be your first step.

No, I don't recommend calling her. It's only continuing the drama.

She can change her number all she wants, but if he gets a new phone she won't know what number to call or text, so that would solve that issue completely.

As far as work emails, is the company aware of the A? If so, send the HR dept (or equivalent) her work emails to him relating to the A, and ask them to speak to her about her inappropriate emails on company time.

If they don't know, then have her emails sent to junk there too. So he'll miss a few work emails - we all do, but he won't have to deal with her.

MJane posted 12/28/2013 11:47 AM

So true Living inLimbo _ not so irresistible now. I feel so proud of myself for resisting all urges to contact her in last months (to give her piece of my mind). She comes across as crazily needy -maybe initIally part of the attraction.

Dare2Trust posted 1/5/2014 14:05 PM

I hate to be a "negative ninny" -- but your husband hiding these contact emails from the OW is totally unacceptable.

I wonder: Where did the Roses come from that you believe the OW cut up and left on your doorstep in a bag? Have you asked your husband if he dared to send roses to this OW?

You've posted that you live in another country. Is there any way your husband can seek employment at another company?

I suggest you husband get another phone number - THEN the OW will have no way to call him.

MJane posted 1/5/2014 14:15 PM

The roses came from my H - it was a few weeks before DDay...on the withholding I completely agree with you. The fact he did 't tell me has put so much doubt in my head - I do believe he was genuinely scared how I would take it and didn't know how to handle (he avoids confrontation and sicks head in sand - something his IC has been working on). Unfortunately his job is here and she lives in the same small city. It is over ten days she is mailing and texting every day. He has managed to block her from one private email account but not from work one (as he an't). She continues to leave at least one vmail which he tells me he deletes without listening to it. I like the idea of him changing his number but as they work in same sector it will take her 5 min to get the new one - she is clearly persistent and has dialled using different numbers. I truly hate this - it has brought DDay and at horrid woman on my doorstep into my head every day. I want her out of my thoughts and so want to tell the horrid woman to leave us all alone but then if she doesn't listen to him what difference would hearing it from me make? Might even think she is getting somewhere as I'd be rattled...

slide095 posted 1/5/2014 14:16 PM

I agree, too, warn her first, then at first contact file a restraining order.

Kelany posted 1/5/2014 14:32 PM

Okay, I'd take a harsh stance on this. She's coming unglued here, and that can get very dangerous.

He needs to quit his job. Like now. I know, it will be uncomfortable, everyone says it's too hard. I get it. Why? Because I have lived it. My husband was unemployed for 4 months after DDay. Sucks, but it was a consequence of his actions. We survived however.

By him quitting his job A. it takes away two more forms of communication. Work e-mail, and he can change his number without his work being able to supply her with it.

I would HIGHLY seek out the advice of an attorney about the laws in your country about stalking and harassment. I would call the local police to see if you are able to file charges against her to keep her AWAY from your home and you. Research the hell out of it and then, do what is necessary to file charges against her. Keep your proof of the stuff she's given you.

He needs to delete facebook and any social media immediately. This gives another way to block her a form of contact. Shut it down. He needs to go off the grid online.

I'd also consider moving. I know, you shouldn't have to uproot your entire life, but if you can't go a legal route, she may continue to show up at your home, and worse, start becoming physical or destroying property.

She's not going to stop, she's shown no signs of waning. You have to protect yourself and your children.

Your husband has to face the consequences of his actions and do whatever means necessary to get your safe. You can not heal if she continues to insert herself in to your life.

[This message edited by SamanthaBaker at 2:33 PM, January 5th (Sunday)]

Dreamland posted 1/5/2014 18:17 PM

Can your husband tell the HR person that this woman is stalking him and that she is unstable and any work together should cease. Also once you get an order from the attorney goto the police and file a harassment and stalking complaint. Then you have the ammunition for his work and possible could get her fired.
If that doesn't work then he can quit. But I went apeshit on mr he OW so she knows I will fuck her up. But then I am a crazy Spaniard. :)