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Help from anyone with aggressive OW

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MJane posted 12/28/2013 10:52 AM

It's been a while since I visited - we've slowly been trying R since DDay in September when I learned of the affair from the OW on my doorstep in the early hours of the morning. At that time she came (at1am) with a package of emails from my husband and made a great deal of telling me I was the thing standing between them and true love - that she had been in my home, walked with and touched my little baby and generally invaded my life. Some three months on we have been slowly been rebuilding - very slow process but my H seems truly contrite and we both are in counselling together and IC. I lifted his mobile yesterday to charge it and saw her name in first text - she had not been in my thoughts for a couple of days so the horror was instant and I was pretty hysterical. My H, while looking horrified took me through the message which started on Christmas eve. He said he didn't want to tell me before Christmas and had hoped they'd stop - they essentially were her begging to have him back but in a very insistent way. She emailed all three of his accounts with same things and has been bombarding him. He replied to one saying that things hadn't changed since he wrote in September and that he was happy over Christmas with his family and to leave him alone. She sent many many messages after that. We both think she may have mental issues. My counsellor said the note in her gift package and how she acted just before and in telling me (she essentially stalked the house and left gifts on doorstep that at the time I didn't know were from her - roses cut up in bag etc). I'm not sure what to do. Instinct tells me she may start appearing here if we do nothing. My H has started to delete everything after a final note (which I saw him draft and send saying he loved me and did not want to hear from her again) had the opposite effect. He has tried blocking her number and she changes it. She was once a FBook friend and he unfriended her so she sends him requests. I was very tempted to phone her myself and give her some of her own medicine - am not sure that would be wise but I feel very helpless and this woman has, yet again, invaded my life. I fear that if we get formal with police etc then things might get ugly - and she may even try and invade my workspace or do something petty. Does anyone have advice/similar experience? All I keep thinking is why on earth would she want to keep begging for attention when he has clearly moved on..

Skan posted 12/28/2013 12:32 PM

MJane, she is already invading your space. If you do NOT get the police involved, get something formal that tells her to stay away, what are you going to do the next time she shows up on your doorstep. Or at your children's school. Or either of your places of work.

Unfortunately, your WH has brought this crazy into your life. And it looks like she' not going away easily. I would suggest that the two of you need to present a very strong, united front, denying her any way into your lives by any means possible. If that means getting an RO, getting copies of that to your places of work and/or schools, changing your phone numbers to unlisted, documenting every contact attempt, and taking her to court, they you're going to have to do that. Until she picks out her next target, you need to, again, IMO, be very proactive about keeping her away from you and your family. This absolutely sucks, I know. I dealt with a stalker in my early 20s and it was horribly unpleasant. I'm so sorry.

k94ever posted 12/28/2013 12:51 PM

It's time to get the Law involved.

Have you kept a record of her actions? If not, now is the time to start. You will need these to get a RO on her or to sue her for harassment.

She's not going to go away.


Nature_Girl posted 12/28/2013 15:05 PM

Oh Honey, you need to get law enforcement involved immediately. Have a lawyer send her a cease & desist letter, and get a restraining order/order of protection. Don't delay on this. The OW is a bunny boiler. You don't want her kind of crazy in your life, and you can't nice or reason her away.

mefirst posted 12/28/2013 15:27 PM

This is very simple - just go to the family court and get an Order of Protection. You don't need to 'prove' anything - just list some of these actions. The judge will automatically grant the order, they do this to protect the requestor without any further stress. It's a very simple proceeding. WIth that order, the police serve the papers to her. It states that if she contacts you or your husband - by phone, by email, or in person, she will be arrested. It will stop her immediately.

AlexFL posted 12/29/2013 23:21 PM

MJane, 1st don't let her hysteria be the focus of your anger and fear. Your husband invited this into your home and now you are left to deal with it.... Make sure u make him aware that this is his fault - sometimes these distractions seem to be just what the WS wants to divert the hear from about her, sometimes when people act crazy, u have to act crazier,,,, then when they act crazier u have to act even crazier than before. (This has worked for repeatedly in numerous scenarios). U should also file a police report and get a restraining order. Let her know you mean business. And your husband should have gotten a new number by now. He needs to step up more - after all you wouldn't be dealing with any of this if it wasn't for his cheating.

Lovedyoumore posted 12/30/2013 09:35 AM

You probably do need legal/police help. Sometimes all that is needed is a cease contact letter from an attorney.

Did your H send a short, concise NC letter? If not, that is probably water under the bridge at this point. Do they work together? He needs to find a new job. It took a year of looking but my H found a better job than he had. He had to chuck a lifetime of contacts and career building because he is now in a different career. We are both sad about that but he made our life hell and his crap has cost him dearly.

We had a predatory sociopath OW. Her notes, emails and gifts after DDay alerted my H's IC to give us specific instructions on dealing with her. First, very strict NC, no matter how many ways she contacts you. Your H must not answer her or engage her. In the IC words, you have to strangle the A by cutting all communication back to OW. You cannot control her, but you and H can control your response. Give her nothing. The IC compared her to a vampire seeking their life blood. They get desperate, it escalates, declines, and then they circle back again looking for just a drop. Do not give her that drop. The OW will see that as hope. Second, all emails, texts, notes, or gifts should be sent directly to you before they are deleted. No secrets. My H brought me the gifts and I disposed of them. He linked his email to me so I got them as he did. Emails sent to work email were forwarded to me. Third, present a united front no matter how hard it is.

It is hard not to engage. The OW shows up at places she knows we might be, including church services. It has been awful. We are moving to another city as soon as the house sells. I have not put my whole story on SI because I do not want her to find me here. I had an ah ha moment not long ago. Not only did she want to win my H, she wanted to see me lose. It is a sick game with some of these OW. As I have said before on SI, until you have been used by a sociopathic predator you cannot understand how an adult can be sucked into their crazy world.

You can absolutely be furious at the OW. I know you are hurt and mad at your H. While he did indeed start the A, there is no reason not to be angry at her. She is accountable for every action she has made before, during, and since. I do not agree that anger at the OW is displaced. While not minimizing my anger at H for the A, even MC and IC recognized the need for my anger at OW.

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