[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:43 AM, January 6th (Monday)]
Nobody is going to judge you or 'have at you' for feeling confused and not wanting a divorce. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Being a WS isn't a life sentence, and it certainly isn't an okay to tolerate abuse from your H.
I think it can't hurt to keep the appointment. I think after years of abuse you feel powerless and incapable, because abusers make their victims feel that way over time. Knowledge is power. Empower yourself. You don't have to make any decisions now but information isn't a bad thing.
You deserve happiness and to not be abused, even if you are a WS. And your kids deserve a peaceful home.
My best friend is a WW. Her marriage wasn't good for a really long time. Her "out" was an affair. Prince Charming came swooping in on a white horse. He shacked up with her for a long weekend and she knew that he would rescue her from the marriage. He didn't. He got the goods, and left. Never looking back.
Her husband found out. She decided that she would stay in the marriage and they would work on healing together. She's done everything she can to help him. Transparency, books, infidelity support forums, counseling, the whole bit.
They are three years out. Her husband refuses any type of individual or marriage counseling. Screams at her all hours of the day and night. He's thrown things at her. Prevented her from leaving their home. He stalks her at her workplace. He moves in and out of the house on a whim, coming in at weird hours. She wakes up and he's standing over her, staring, in the darkness. He spends money, then screams at her when they're broke. She has begged him to get help. He insists there is nothing wrong with him. She is the screw up. She needs to fix it all.
She can't fix him. Her guilt keeps her there. She broke him and feels responsible to take care of him. And he is abusing the life right out of her.
Infidelity is wrong. I will be the first to stand up and say that. However, being a WS does not sentence you to a life of mistreatment and abuse. You are allowed to make choices for yourself.
He has gotten better. It is in cycles. For awhile he acts "normal", then something happens. He cusses at the kids, goes off on me, something. And I know he smokes pot. He claims he has to have it to deal with stress because of me. Yep, I am to blame there too.
I know he doesn't keep it around here, but I know he smokes.
[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 1:01 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]
It is so hard because people say it is all my fault
You are worth it.
Prior to DDay, our communication was maybe a 4. Now, it's about a 7, and trending upward.
It's been a joint effort. Lots of reading, IC for both of us (mostly me), and a couple of MC sessions.
IMO communication is key to a successful M. In the year or so leading up to my As, I was brimming with resentment toward BH, and projecting all of my negative feelings onto him. It was his fault I was so unhappy! Dammit! (Sarcasm.) You remind me so much of myself, during my As and in the foggy months following DDay.
I am not supposed to have anything but positive thoughts and say nothing but positive words. I am not to have feelings.
I'm sure I wrote this, almost verbatim, when I first joined SI. As I began to take complete ownership of my A, and that means no "buts," I realized that it was all me. That I had the power to perceive BH in something other than a negative light. To listen to his emotions instead of his words. Maybe your BH really is His Highness Who Must Be Obeyed. Or maybe he's just as hurt and damaged and misunderstood as the rest of us.
This year is a new start for me. I am going to stop trying to please him, and stop kissing his ass. I am going to get myself healthy physically and emotionally.