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I don't want a divorce

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Daisy1967 posted 12/28/2013 12:34 PM

I am a worthless whore

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:43 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

authenticnow posted 12/28/2013 12:45 PM

Daisy,

Nobody is going to judge you or 'have at you' for feeling confused and not wanting a divorce. Only you can decide when enough is enough. Being a WS isn't a life sentence, and it certainly isn't an okay to tolerate abuse from your H.

I think it can't hurt to keep the appointment. I think after years of abuse you feel powerless and incapable, because abusers make their victims feel that way over time. Knowledge is power. Empower yourself. You don't have to make any decisions now but information isn't a bad thing.

You deserve happiness and to not be abused, even if you are a WS. And your kids deserve a peaceful home.

AN

cs2384 posted 12/28/2013 12:51 PM

I can't recommend counseling enough. It was about 18 months past d-day when we were still considering divorce. We both had attorneys. Our counselor recommended not making any decisions for six months. My relationship was very verbally abusive. I really recommend Patricia Evans' books on verbal abuse. It really allowed me to see that I was allowing him to treat me the way he had been treating me. Setting my own boundaries on what I would accept helped change the relationship. I couldn't change him. But I could change me and that would change the dynamics of the relationship. I stopped being the victim. All the resentment started to melt away and I could see why I was so susceptible to an affair.

Aubrie posted 12/28/2013 12:52 PM

Daisy, I want to tell you a little story.

My best friend is a WW. Her marriage wasn't good for a really long time. Her "out" was an affair. Prince Charming came swooping in on a white horse. He shacked up with her for a long weekend and she knew that he would rescue her from the marriage. He didn't. He got the goods, and left. Never looking back.

Her husband found out. She decided that she would stay in the marriage and they would work on healing together. She's done everything she can to help him. Transparency, books, infidelity support forums, counseling, the whole bit.

They are three years out. Her husband refuses any type of individual or marriage counseling. Screams at her all hours of the day and night. He's thrown things at her. Prevented her from leaving their home. He stalks her at her workplace. He moves in and out of the house on a whim, coming in at weird hours. She wakes up and he's standing over her, staring, in the darkness. He spends money, then screams at her when they're broke. She has begged him to get help. He insists there is nothing wrong with him. She is the screw up. She needs to fix it all.

She can't fix him. Her guilt keeps her there. She broke him and feels responsible to take care of him. And he is abusing the life right out of her.

Infidelity is wrong. I will be the first to stand up and say that. However, being a WS does not sentence you to a life of mistreatment and abuse. You are allowed to make choices for yourself.

Daisy1967 posted 12/28/2013 12:53 PM

I am checking into counseling. It is so hard because people say it is all my fault. Choosing to step out? Yes. All on me. The breakdown of the marriage in total? I absolutely cannot take the entire blame for that. And believe me, I am harder on myself than anyone else in existence.

He has gotten better. It is in cycles. For awhile he acts "normal", then something happens. He cusses at the kids, goes off on me, something. And I know he smokes pot. He claims he has to have it to deal with stress because of me. Yep, I am to blame there too.

I know he doesn't keep it around here, but I know he smokes.

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 1:01 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

authenticnow posted 12/28/2013 13:01 PM

It is so hard because people say it is all my fault
Sometimes people have no clue. Stop listening to these people and talk to a counselor who can support you in your healing.

You are worth it.

20WrongsVs1 posted 12/28/2013 13:43 PM

Daisy, how would you rate the effectiveness of your communication? By "your" I mean you and your husband together? Scale of 1 to 10, 1 being unbearably shitty, 10 being perfect.

Prior to DDay, our communication was maybe a 4. Now, it's about a 7, and trending upward.

It's been a joint effort. Lots of reading, IC for both of us (mostly me), and a couple of MC sessions.

IMO communication is key to a successful M. In the year or so leading up to my As, I was brimming with resentment toward BH, and projecting all of my negative feelings onto him. It was his fault I was so unhappy! Dammit! (Sarcasm.) You remind me so much of myself, during my As and in the foggy months following DDay.

I am not supposed to have anything but positive thoughts and say nothing but positive words. I am not to have feelings.

I'm sure I wrote this, almost verbatim, when I first joined SI. As I began to take complete ownership of my A, and that means no "buts," I realized that it was all me. That I had the power to perceive BH in something other than a negative light. To listen to his emotions instead of his words. Maybe your BH really is His Highness Who Must Be Obeyed. Or maybe he's just as hurt and damaged and misunderstood as the rest of us.

Daisy1967 posted 12/28/2013 13:58 PM

DH is perfect and I am a disgusting human being

[This message edited by Daisy1967 at 9:43 AM, January 6th (Monday)]

authenticnow posted 12/28/2013 14:08 PM

This year is a new start for me. I am going to stop trying to please him, and stop kissing his ass. I am going to get myself healthy physically and emotionally.
That sounds like an excellent plan, Daisy .

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