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My heart is racing but my mind is frozen

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FeelingTorn posted 12/28/2013 13:48 PM

Hi all

I am new, this is my first post but I have been lurking for about 2 months. So here's my story. I am married for 6 years together for 10,we have 3 kids together, and I have had about 5 DD since we've been together. The last straw happened in October when I had that burning feeling that my WH was having an affair again. I did some investigating and sure enough he was. Foolishly I called the OW and she claimed that she didn't know H was married.

FFW to 2 weeks after I called OW, was the day I had planned to have a sleep over at my parents with my kids but later decided against it without informing WH. As I got home I saw WH and OW walking down our street,I confronted them and all WH did was to walk away in shame. OW asked to fetch her overnight bag from my house. This whole incident tore me apart, but the goodness in me decided to give our M another chance.

So on 12/23 while WH slept I went through his chatting app,and lo and behold,he's still seing this woman. She is sending him her pics,him commenting on how much he loves her ass and and and. I am so broken, so torn,devastated.

I know what I need to do but that's not what I want.

Please give advise, how do I deal with all this hurt without showing weakness.

Please help.

Edited to change OM to OW...

[This message edited by FeelingTorn at 3:26 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

4everfaithful83 posted 12/28/2013 13:54 PM

first of all *hugs*

second, not to sound harsh, but why are you still with a man who has cheated on you 5 times?? (that you know of)

whats that quote?

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me!

You deserve better than that!! :)

SpotlessMind posted 12/28/2013 14:48 PM

I actually like the saying on Go Ask Suzie better: "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, more shame on you."

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I would recommend checking out the 180 program under BS FAQs for ideas on how to proceed. Also, keep posting here. Let others who've been there give you the strength you need to mive forward.

I understand how hard it is, but he's shown he's not interesting in changing right now. And you DESERVE better. But you need to believe that.


painfulpast posted 12/28/2013 14:56 PM

Hello, and sorry you find yourself in this situation.

First, know it isn't your fault. Your husband cheats because he has issues and he has some really poor coping skills. Cheating is a very easy way to make oneself feel better, and that's what he's doing.

Your H is a serial cheater, meaning he continues to be involved in affairs over and over and over. He most likely will NOT stop without some serious counseling. Is he in counseling now?

As for you, I think by now you know that your H won't stop cheating. As this is his 5th time, you've basically given him approval to cheat. There have been no consequences, he's lost nothing. What reason does he have to stop?

As painful as this is to admit, your pain won't stop him. You know that. You've been through this 5 times already. He may feel bad, but the good feelings he gets from cheating outweigh the bad feeling he gets from your pain.

You need to decide if you can live with cheating, or if you will not tolerate this. You need to decide what your boundaries are, and stick to them. If you do nothing, this will happen again. This is all but guaranteed.

You wrote OM several times, but I think you meant OW - OM means Other Man, OW means OW. OW doesn't care about you, or that he's married with children. She was humiliated when you confronted and she had to ask for her things from the house. And yet, here she is again. She's a predator - she is out for herself.

Is OW married? If so, you should tell her BS. Her husband deserves the truth, and it will most likely force her out of the picture.

Even if OW exits your life, your H will find another. Again, 5 times tells you there will be a 6th.

It's your choice at this point. What are your boundaries? What will you accept in your marriage and life? What will you not tolerate?

If it were me, I would demand he stop cheating immediately, and that he enter IC - at least once per week. If he will not do that, then I would tell him he needs to live elsewhere and I would begin divorce proceedings immediately. Again - no consequences = no change. You filing for divorce may wake him up. If it does, great. He can go to counseling and you can try to heal together. If not, then you've saved yourself more years of cheating and heartbreak.

What I've suggested is scary. It's life changing. It's hard. But as is often said here - to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.

When it becomes hard, remember that your WH's actions are the example being set for your children, as are yours. You are telling your kids with actions that being disrespected and lied to is acceptable. He is showing them that lying and cheating are fine. That betraying loved ones is fine. That selfishness is fine. You know these are not things you want your children doing, and yet this is what they are seeing.

I'm NOT saying you are being a bad parent, at all. When in such a traumatic situation as being betrayed, it's hard to see all the angles. Your kids' perception of acceptable is probably not what's first on your mind. If you think you've kept this from your kids - you most likely haven't. Kids are far more perceptive that we give them credit for. They may not know the details, but they probably sense something is wrong.

Please, take a stand and demand better for yourself.

And yes, some will simply question why you've stayed. It's an easy question to ask really. The answer is that, despite the pain, you love your H. We all loved our spouses when they cheated. And love doesn't end at betrayal. If it did, as I've said before, this site would not exist. We would be betrayed, instantly stop loving the betrayer, get divorced, case closed. No hurt, no healing, nothing. Love grows over time, and it takes time to die.

You will probably always love him in some way - he's the father of your children after all. However, that does not mean you have to accept this horrible treatment. Loving him is destroying you.

Boundaries - what are yours, and how will you enforce them?

Edie posted 12/28/2013 15:04 PM

So sorry you find yourself here, Torn, but very glad you have posted. That really means you know you want change and want help achieving it. Or at least company. And you are in good company here, and many have walked this way before and are now leading happier more fulfilled lives.

the goodness in me decided to give our M another chance.

Can you analyse this a bit further (for yourself)? At the same time, read up on the 180. This is not a communication technique as is sometimes construed, but a way of regaining the focus onto oneself and not on the WS, so you can see yourself through YOUR eyes, and begin to value yourself again. 5 Ddays would suggest you might need some help with that.

Hugs to you. You've started your journey now and that's fantastic. Keep looking forward, not over your shoulder, there's better times ahead.

Edie posted 12/28/2013 15:16 PM

Adding that a racing heart - high adrenalin - can sometimes be helpful for action, but may be detrimental also. Exercise, meditation, yoga, swimming etc all might be very helpful for you to keep you calm and centred and focused.

I do hope you find your anger soon, it does feel like you are turning it on yourself currently.

mefirst posted 12/28/2013 15:22 PM

((torn)) This is such a horrific nightmare, I'm so sorry. I lived through my own similiar story - please know that you'll be OK. But you need to start moving on with your life, for the good of the family. Get your support system set-up now; I always felt stronger with the help of my family and friends. Surround yourself with their strength, it will help you when you need emotional, financial, or just plain 'sense' when you talk through next steps. If possible, throw him out of the house - let him know you're serious and quite capable of getting life in order without his cheating ass. You WILL be fine - in time, you WILL, I promise. Let your family and friends in on this terrible secret, and let them help you. You will feel better and quite frankly, you will gain strength with their love.

FeelingTorn posted 12/28/2013 15:24 PM

Thank you all for your replies, I have stated I had 5 DD but I can only confirm 2 as those are the one's I have proof, the other 3 were intuition and WH denied having those affairs.

@painfulpast - thank for correcting me, I indeed meant to type OW not OM...edited first post

WH is not in IC nor any kind of counselling. OW is not married from what I know so for her WH is her true love(from the messages I read)

[This message edited by FeelingTorn at 3:28 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

meplusfour posted 12/28/2013 16:17 PM


I'm sorry that you have found yourself here. You must be an incredibly strong woman to have remained with your H. Please take care of yourself and your children. Stay hydrated, try to eat and keep yourself strong~do it for your children if you have to. They will need you to help them get through this.

What happened after you brought the OW's belongings to her? Your husband walked away in shame but after OW left, what happened then? Was he contrite, did he explain his actions, did he end the relationship? You have given him a second chance, but did he truly earn the chance to reconcile? I am going to suggest reading two books, namely After the Affair and How Can I Forgive You? These books give a good starting point on how to deal with the emotions, anger and hurt that following an affair.

I would also recommend that you start take actions to protect yourself and the children. Start a separate savings account and start putting money away. Think of it as an contingency fund. Open a credit card in your own name and save it for an emergency. Gather financial information and keep copies in a safe place. Get some legal advice. You may not be ready to D, but if events start moving quickly, you want to be in a strong position to deal with your H and his OW.

Take your strength and instead of sinking it into your M, start using it for yourself and the children. You have used your energies to keep your M going for too long. Switch your focus to saving yourself and your children.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 4:18 PM, December 28th (Saturday)]

Lola88 posted 12/28/2013 17:02 PM

So sorry you find yourself here but please know you deserve so much more than you are accepting.

It is a very scary time for you but it will never get better while this pos is in your life. Five years down the line, perhaps a couple more kids (how many more whores) and how much more trapped will you be?

Don't do this to yourself! He is not worth it and you are worth so much more.

I hope you find the courage to move on, hugs x

Oftencheatedon posted 12/28/2013 17:15 PM

Please see a doctor to be checked for STDs. Your DH is a very promiscuous man and you are at risk.

ZedLeppelin posted 12/29/2013 01:28 AM

What are you so torn about "FeelingTorn"?

Your husband is a cumbucket. Do you really have so little respect for yourself, that you are willing to put up with his crap?

I apologize if that comes across as harsh, but you need to realize that nobody deserves to be treated like this.

Also if that was an OM asking to get his stuff from my house, i would have falcon punched him through a tree. (Not really, but you get my point).

[This message edited by ZedLeppelin at 1:34 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/29/2013 02:02 AM

The 180 will help you. So will anything that turns your focus to why you tolerate bad treatment. I tolerated bad treatment for too long, and while I'd rather be happily coupled, since that is not possible with my WS, I am so much better off without him. Took me too many wasted years to realize.

I could be wrong and this probably sounds harsh. You are in a harsh situation and your hope is keeping you from really taking care of you.

I realize it's very complex, and then it seems simple in some very basic ways.

You dont want to do what you need to do because you are not able yet to understand that the day will most likely not come when he is able to care about your needs.

It's heartbreaking. And one day it's empowering. You have to trust that you will be okay.

FeelingTorn posted 12/29/2013 03:17 AM

Thank you all, my heart and my head are on different levels. Right now I feel like our marriage didn't stand a chance. We have never been to MC pre and post getting married or even after the first DD. Is there a reason where all this can be manifesting from? He had a really rough upbringing, he even witnessed a girlfriend shoot herself on the head when he was 17, he never went to IC for that.

I am no counsellor but I think he has deep emotional issues, a part of me wants to help him thought it all as he is a great man. Is he just under the category "when good people do vad things". I don't know, maybe this is my heart talking.

[This message edited by FeelingTorn at 3:18 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

Edie posted 12/29/2013 05:00 AM

He had a really rough upbringing, he even witnessed a girlfriend shoot herself on the head when he was 17

That does put an entirely different slant on things. Nothing justifies cheating but he clearly needs help. This is not for you to do or for you to sacrifice yourself on the altar of his dysfunction.

Three things need attended to: you, him, and the marriage (one way or the other). The marriage can only be attended to after and in tandem with the first two. You need to look after yourself first and foremost, you are not your husband's mother, nursemaid or counsellor and must not assign yourself those roles, no matter how caring you are (and you sound very caring, I hope you can begin to prioritise caring for yourself).

But you can suggest to him that help is available for him, should he want it. But it has to be something (therapy, education, whatever it might be) that he wants for himself.

Please do read the 180. Unless you begin to focus on you and your needs, your caring nature will continue to be taken for granted and taken advantage of.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/29/2013 07:54 AM

Your question is extremely important.

My WS has deep emotional issues too, and I do feel compassion for what I know are very deep wounds. But i allowed that empathy and caring for him to excuse his bad treatment of me. Sometimes we can have too much empathy for for others and really and truly not enough for ourselves! We matter too!

And in the end, no matter his upbringing or his experiences, as unfortunate as they may be, as an adult he really truly needs to take responsibility for himself. That means getting the help he needs to manage his emotions so he stops acting out, in his case sexually.

And at some point, particularly if he is not amenable to IC, and recognizing and dealing with his issues, it really wont matter why he treats you poorly. That is and will be very sad, and you cant fix, help, beg, and otherwise change him, which is frustrating (and later empowering to realize).

What will matter is not why he treats you poorly, but that he treats you poorly.

Edith posted 12/29/2013 08:11 AM

Oh FT, I'm so sorry you find yourself suffering through this yet again. And 5 DDs? Oh my goodness!

What will matter is not why he treats you poorly, but that he treats you poorly.

I agree with this, and I might add that something to figure out is why YOU treat YOU poorly. Serial cheaters tear down self esteem and cause such immense emotional damage to their spouses. You need to focus on your healing and try your best to get him out of your head.

I would definitely speak to an attorney to find out what your rights are.

WH and OW walking down our street,I confronted them and all WH did was to walk away in shame. OW asked to fetch her overnight bag from my house.

Sounded like the perfect opportunity for a ritual homicide (not condoning violence, just fantasize a lot). Your husband and OW are gross pigs (apologies to pigs). I hope you can put the hurt aside and find your righteous anger. That can propel you into actions that will be very helpful for you at this point.

Take care my dear.


TheAgonyOfIt posted 12/29/2013 08:21 AM

Amen to this!

figure out is why YOU treat YOU poorly

scared&stronger posted 12/29/2013 13:53 PM

FeelingTorn....would you step in front of a speeding train for your husband and the OW? If your answer is no....then why are you willing to play Russian Roulette with your life with his cheating ways and all the OW that have helped to contribute to taking your life in their hands? Do you not have family that loves you and would be devastated if you were to get and STD and die? Is he worth that?

FeelingTorn posted 12/29/2013 23:40 PM

Do you guys think trying MC with this guy is a waste of time?

[This message edited by FeelingTorn at 12:05 AM, December 30th (Monday)]

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