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Newest Member: Pollybr (61080)

User Topic: Am I overreacting? Really need input.
♀ 19234
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 5:13 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok so my wh and I are childhood sweethearts. We have always celebrated the day we met in some way. Today is our 30th anniversary of the day we met. Since we got married, we call this our fake anniversary and always still give each other cards and sometimes gifts.

After dday1 which happened three weeks before the fake anniversary he got me an expensive watch. Needless to say that felt strange. Last year he forgot. We talked about it in mc and that was that. I got him a card last year. Little did I know, last year at this time he was starting an ea and went on to sleep with someone twice in March that he met on ashley madison. Our real anniversary was in March (20th) and we went away without the kids. He gave me a card and in general the trip was awful. I started to get red flags and a bad feeling.

I am definitely low maintenance with gifts but expect a card. This year I got him a card and excersise shorts for our fake anniversary. Nothing big but I remembered it and thought he would too. I should have known better, he forgot.

So he felt bad when I gave him the present and card. He ran out to get me a card and present. Feels very bad. I feel badly. I feel triggery.

He gets the point, he knows he messed up. Trying to make it better. I feel bad that he did not make me a priority again. He really feels upset and asked me not go make this into a big set back. Part of me feels like I am being ridiculous about this, part of me feels numb and part of me feels like I don't care.

Ugh! Very conflicted and not knowing how to process this internally and with wh.

Posts: 327 | Registered: Apr 2008
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Your statement at the end, about not caring, is a bit Catcher in the Rye-ish. Deflecting hurt by 'not caring'.

So last year he forgot that you celebrate the day you met as he was entering an EA, and in March had a PA. Was this with the same person?

Also, in the midst of his PA, you and he took a vacation on the anniversary of your wedding, and not surprisingly given his PA, it was not a good trip.

Have you discussed his missing this date last year in MC, or elsewhere? If so, it's surprising to me that he would forget again this year.

it isn't surprising that this is causing some triggery feelings. You've attributed him forgetting last year with cheating, and in addition, to you it's a symbol of his not making you a priority.

I don't think you are overreacting. I think this IS a big deal, for all of the reasons I've stated. I do like your H asking that you 'not make this a big set back.' Does he understand that we don't get to pick and choose what triggers us?

Is your H particularly busy right now? Are other things happening that would cause him to forget? It's right after Christmas, so it's not like there isn't a significant event that would be associated with a reminder of this day.

I'm sorry you're triggering. Not fun, at all.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 19234
Member # 19234
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, December 28th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your input painfull.

The ea and pa were two separate people.

Talked about missed date in mc. Thought he got it but now looking back it was a session during his ea. He sure tricked me and mc!

You are right, this is a trigger and I can't help what triggers me.

Probably right about deflecting.

Posts: 327 | Registered: Apr 2008
♀ 39682
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're overreacting since it was brought up in MC last year (even if he was in the ea). He should've set himself a reminder at the very least.

We don't celebrate our "fake" anniversary usually but we do acknowledge it still. I don't think I would've been upset before if WH didn't remember but now, I think he should be making effort to think about "us" and me more.

Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
Met 2000, Married 2004
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13
Hopeful for R

Posts: 876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
♀ 27521
Member # 27521
Default  Posted: 3:39 PM, December 29th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have always celebrated the day we met in some way.

If you've always celebrated that day, then yes you have every reason to be upset. Especially with his past history during both of your anniversaries.

Did he say why he forgot? I mean 30 years is a long time to celebrate something and then suddenly forget.

Our wedding anniversary is a triggery day for. I really wanted us to celebrate our 15th year with a weekend at a fancy hotel. FWH said we couldn't afford it. However, throughout 10 years of our M as well as during that particular anniversary, he would take different OW to hotels for sex. He tried to make up this very painful rejection to me a few years back. He took me to a nice hotel for a few hours on our anniversary. It was very special for me. Came to find out a few months later, he was still in contact with the last LTA.

This year for our 20th anniversary, FWH took me to a really fancy restaurant and managed to completely surprise me. It was a very sweet gesture and I really appreciated it but that didn't stop me from triggering.

We can claim to not care and even try to make ourselves believe the words but deep down we know that we felt forgotten and rejected by our spouse. How can we not be triggered?

Me-BS (43)
Him-SAWH (43)
Together 27 years, married 23 years

The chain on my mood swing just broke. Run!
4 precious kiddos
Multi DDay's,False R
4 Ea's, 1 ONS, 3 STA's, & 2 LTA's & 1 OC

I can do all things through Christ

Posts: 856 | Registered: Feb 2010
Topic Posts: 5

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