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D'day after 25 years

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Johnswife posted 12/28/2013 17:44 PM

My H and I just had our 32nd anniversary yesterday, dec. 26. It was horrible! I should share a little background to help you understand how this whole thing went down.

About 6 yrs, into our marriage, I became ill. Over the course of the next 8 yrs. i was hospitalized several times. I underwent 4 surgeries. I was diagnosed by two different drs. With PID (pelvic inflammatory disease). Both told me the same thing, if I hadn't cheated on my husband, then he had cheated on me, as this is an STD. Totally shocked, I, of course, asked my H for an explanation and he vehemently denied any wrongdoing!

Now, married 32 yrs., he just admitted that he had a ONS with a woman who we both knew from our local hangout. I am so devastated, I cry constantly, I've started smoking again (after in 3 yrs. quit), I can't eat! I am persistently bombarded with a play-by-play video in my head. I can't listen to music or watch movies because there are so many triggers!

My H is ginuinely remorseful and when I try to talk to him about it, he cries. Then I feel bad for hurting him. Because this happened 25 years ago, he has forgotten many of the details, so I can't really get a true account of how or why this happened. So, I basically feel like someone opened the gates of Hell, and I got sucked inside.

Does it matter how much time passes between the A and D'DAY? I feel like this just happened and it is killing me! I need help!

Lionne posted 12/28/2013 17:57 PM

It doesn't matter how long ago it happened. For you it was yesterday. There are quite a few members with similar stories. I myself didn't find out the real truth for about 7 years after the fact, although I always had an inkling and there were complicating factors and other issues in my marriage.

It also doesn't matter how long ago it happened. It's his responsibility to give you as many details as you want. I don't buy that he doesn't remember things, you most likely won't want the "gory" details, but the who, what, where and when are things you can and should know. You'll always have questions if you don't IMHO.

Please take some time to process this. Read the healing library. (Upper left side of this web site) Get IC and MC if necessary. You have every right to be angry and hurt even if the event was long ago.

Just as a detail, I too dealt with an STD as a result of my SAFWH's "hobbies." He, too, denied that he had a PA. If he had I would have been spared a painful medical procedure. THAT is unforgivable, as far as I am concerned...


4everfaithful83 posted 12/28/2013 17:59 PM

I'm sorry you are going through this!

finding out after so long must be really hard, and while I can't relate to that particular part, I can relate to feeling like it just happened!

I'm 6 months since DDAY and sometimes I break down in tears and it feels like it just happened yesterday! I did the same as you, I started smoking again! I'm ashamed of it and my friends are always telling me not to do hurtful things to myself because he messed up, and they are right. So far I have not been able to quit smoking yet though. Maybe in the new year...

Make sure you take care of yourself, eat well, spend time with friends/family who love you, and get some rest!

Crushed1 posted 12/28/2013 18:01 PM

Hi Johnswife, of course to you it is like this "just" happened since you recently received news of it. But your H has had 25 years to process all of the information, so, of course, it's old news to him. It's great that your H is remorseful. Since this happened a long time ago, he may have forgotten details but I'm sure he'd remember 'why' and 'how' it happened. If you want any info is he open to discussion?

You're devastated and I'm sorry for your pain.

Lola88 posted 12/28/2013 18:01 PM

I'm so sorry you find yourself here Johnswife, life can be shit, can't it? If it was a ONS and years ago, and he has known the cause of your illness then he has probably suffered - almost - as much as you.

I am a recent BS and have to say I hope he has.

I also wish you health, strength and independence - all that is good - I am just six months short of my 45 anniversary, not likely to make it x

Holly-Isis posted 12/29/2013 17:36 PM

It doesn't matter how much time. It's current to you. You still have to process it and mourn it. There's a thread down in the I Can Relate forum for those who found out years later. That might help.

I found out that the A I thought was an EA 7 years earlier was actually a PA. I had to go through the process of dealing with it all over again.


Johnswife posted 12/29/2013 20:48 PM

Worst day ever! My anger is still so raw, it lives just under the surface, and rears its ugly head at any given moment. Shouldn't I be past this stage? I have days when I'm fine and could not possibly love my H any more! Then, something sets me off and I am horrible! I yell, call him names and basically terrorize him.

He has been a model spouse for the past 23 years, but the knowledge that he has been lying to me for the past 25 years is killing me. We lived in a large city the first 9 yrs. of our marriage. He was not so great then. He had problems with drugs and alcohol. I got him off the drugs, he cut down on the alcohol, and we moved to the small town where he grew up. Since the move, he has been a wonderful H and father.

He made up his mind that the next time I asked him, he would tell me the truth, so here we are. I knew when I was sick there had been somebody, but being as sick as I was, I needed hi ssupport.

I want to forgive and forget, but I'm just devastated. How do you get past the anger and move on to a place where you can forgive?

purplejacket4 posted 12/29/2013 23:20 PM

The anger stage comes and goes for months if not years. Don't force it. That makes it even worse. You have the right to feel how you feel.

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